Letter to Him

I am just writing to say hey, and to let you know someone has been thinking about you.

If we were still talking, I would tell you that life is pretty much the same for me as it was a year ago - it revolves around work and family, with the occasional bright spot or thing to look forward to, but mostly the same things causing me the same worries. Still banging my head against the same walls, albeit freshly painted ones. That's progress at least.

If we were still talking, I would want to know how you are doing. How is your family, work, etc. How is your health? Have you grown a pair yet? Ha ha, just kidding. What I meant to ask was if things were looking up for you now, if maybe you had worked things out? You know, that old hypothetical "Are you happy?". I hope so. If not happy, at least trying to figure out how to get that way.

Since we're not talking, you probably don't know how much I miss you sometimes. I miss having someone to keep me company at work, and someone to share silly inside jokes with. I miss having someone who manages to hide his impatience with me when I get whiny or boring. I miss having someone who already knows the worst things about me and likes me anyway. People close to me might say I could have those things with them. That's true, but you are the only person in recent history with whom I had all of those things, and still managed to stay friends. I really miss having that one person who I couldn't wait to talk to, and who I felt sure would understand, or would at least politely pretend to listen. I miss our late night chats, and saying goodnight one last time.

Since we're not talking, I settle for thinking. I don't think (too much) about the past, because exercising selective memory seems disingenuous. I don't think about the future, which is pretty weird for a habitual daydreamer, quite adept at fantasizing. In the present, I have learned to avoid things that remind me of you unless I choose to seek them out. I look at your Facebook pic once in awhile, but not nearly as often as I used to. I have deleted all messages from you except a couple, which are buried where even I forget them most of the time. You're still in my phone, right next to B's baseball coach, but I resist the urge to call just to hear your voice one more time.You're still part of my story. I just don't have a good excuse to tell it any more.

I am not sure why I felt the need to tell you anything except that you have been on mind more than usual lately. And there you have it - in spite of everything, even when life goes on, I still miss the most something I never really had. I do hope life is going well for you. So well, in fact, that you only have occasion to think of me once in awhile, and only then to remember the good stuff. We had some good stuff.

Just me,
Ellie