Ellie and Bubba J - Chapter 3

I still think and write about him for two main reasons. The first is pretty straightforward. The other is pretty straightforward too, but more embarrassing? downright pitiful? to admit explain.

First, I just miss him. He will always be someone I just like and care about and enjoy being around. In fact, being around him was always so EASY. In college, I was still becoming the person I was going to be. With him, I never ever felt like I was anything but my genuine self. Bonus that he seemed to like me anyway. I don't remember ever feeling tense or anxious about us, or looking farther ahead than the next time I could see him. If I came around and he was gone, no worries. If he was there, great. Part of that was pretending I didn't know the end was coming, but also just because the present was always good. We had fun just hanging out. We didn't really make any demands of each other, or promises we couldn't keep, so there was no opportunity for disappointment. It was just so f***ing easy.

Fast forward to a time in life where nothing is that simple any more. And there he was, still the same in many ways, and still a great way to pass the time. Again, we spent a lot of time just talking and hanging out. Again, it was nice to know he wasn't too far away even if he wasn't right here. Again, I suspected the end would come eventually, which it did. So there's where the whole missing him thing comes in. I'll get tired of pouting about it and move on.

But what makes it so hard to do is that thing that makes me sound whiny and selfish and pathetic. It's that besides just missing him as a person and a friend, I miss having that easy thing in my life and I am not doing a very good job of filling the space left over.

See, he exited the picture right about the same time things went completely sideways for me. L lost his job. Life got busy with school and work. Things that would have been mere annoyances became monumental without two incomes, compounded by the fact that L kept some things from that he shouldn't have. Some things I used to do for fun and socialization, like my writer's group, have gotten put aside while L tries to get his new business up and running. I didn't go to the doctor when I should have and now I have a headache all of the time. None of these things are insurmountable, but I miss having someone to either talk to about these things or to distract me from them.

Instead, I am grumpy to people for what seems like no reason, because I can't begin to explain everything that is really bugging me. Or I latch onto complete strangers and behave like a socially inept stalker (sorry, you two). Yes, I have people who are willing to listen for a bit, but the lazy, greedy part of me wants back the person who knew all of it, from beginning to end, and was willing to listen anyway, or ask the right questions, or say the right things to take me in an entirely different direction for awhile.

The responsible, grown-up part of me knows that life will never be that simple again, and that sometimes I make things harder than they have to be. But certain other parts of me will always miss him, as a person and for the easy thing we were together.

to be continued...?