California Lemonade

You will need:
1 bottle of cheap white wine
3-4 lemons
1/4 cup of sugar

Slice lemons and place in the bottom of a pitcher. Reserve 4-6 lemon slices for garnish. Add sugar to the pitcher. Mash lemon slices with a wooden spoon to make juice. Add wine and stir until sugar is dissolved. Serve in chilled glasses or over ice, depending on your preference. Garnish with a lemon slice.

Stuff I Know

By no means a comprehensive list  ;-)

1. A good way to stretch a bottle of cheap white wine is to make "California Lemonade". It's yummy, and if you're a hypocrite living in a dry county, it's a good way to drink without having to run over to the next county too often.
2. That ability that men have to focus on one thing, and tune out the rest - sometimes it would be good to have.
3. As much as I whine about not having enough "me" time, it's probably better I am not too often left to my own devices. DC, here I come!
4. I am probably building up my pending vacation too much. It will be nice, but I bet nothing really changes as a result of it.
5. I just lost my best friend. It sucks. I hope it doesn't take me another 20 years to find the next one.
6. My husband is sexy when he is doing something. He is sexiest when he is doing something for me.
7. That spider in the closet this morning, it kinda freaked me out. He was huge. Emphasis on was.
8. My kids are still at the age where they love me unconditionally. I will probably find a way to sabotage that someday, but for now it is one of the things that keeps me going some days.

Scars

I would show you my scars

I would show you this one-
on the back of my finger,
this one, beside my elbow,
and this one, on top of my foot

I would show you scars I got from childhood
And scars I got from childbirth
I would show you scars I got from sharp edges
Maybe tell you about the ones I got from sharp words, and sharper memories
While you connected the dots and traced the lines

I would show you my scars
Like this one, caused by being careless
Or this one, caused by being stubborn
That one's new - I should have known to leave well enough alone

I would show you my scars
If it wasn't for making new wounds

Letter to Her

Thanks for your concern, and for your generosity in giving him a choice. Whether he chooses you, I have no idea. I just know he didn't choose me, which actually makes life easier.

I do know that I went into our "relationship" with no expectations and that's how I'm leaving it. We made one agreement and one promise. We agreed that even though we couldn't explain what was going on between us exactly, we were willing to keep exploring it until it didn't make sense anymore. It quit making sense about the time you got involved, which is to be expected. We made a promise that we wouldn't bail on each other without saying a proper goodbye this time.

You say you can't be with somebody who loves someone else. Again, I have no idea about that. But I know that I don't want to be with somebody who would back out on a promise that easily, as if I wouldn't have understood.

So since I didn't get to say it to him, I'll say it to you - Goodbye.

Thanks again for the offer, but he's all yours, because he was never mine.

Your Friend,
Only for as long as it takes to change my identity

It's Only Tusday

It's only Tuesday, and I have a pretty good list. I hope it doesn't compound all week or I won't be able to concentrate on DC!

How to get gum out of fabric - and curses to the brat who left gum on a public slide
The 7 stages of grief/recovery/whatever - yeah, I am pretty much stuck between self-pity and being pissed off
Having your own stalker is not all that
How one of us can be unemployed and yet organizing a travel/vacation schedule didn't get any easier
What a pain in the butt it is to start a new business - f***ing bureaucracy
The inherent smell of pee in a place frequented by males - can't smell it but I dreamed about it last night?!?
Vacation - I already have a full week planned and there's gonna be a party!!!
Work - other than the imminent pay cut, I am liking my job a whole lot right now
How I am currently coveting satellite radio in the Miata - regular radio sucks
The sudden infestation of crickets - sure my dad would say to check the almanac

Putting Away Memories

Many people don't know that there is a method to putting away memories. Trust me, I am an expert at this. Stick with me, and I'll tell you how.

You start by putting away the memories that are the hardest to give away. You know, the warm fuzzy memories of laughter and good times. It may seem strange to put away the memories you most want to hold onto, but you'll thank me later for this. Next come the in-between memories, such as frustration, annoyance and misunderstanding. Those can go. Lastly come the "heavy" memories, such as anger, hurt and sadness. You've held onto these for long enough. They weigh down the others.

Now flip your memory box upside down and put it away.

Someday, you'll decide to pull those memories out for some reason. If you've done it like I suggested, the best memories should be right on top. They may be a little faded, a little musty, but you'll have them refreshed in no time. You might be tempted to dig a little deeper, but you'll discover that those other memories don't hold the same magic, and hopefully just leave them alone. Better to enjoy your like new and possibly improved memories of the way things were.

If reality does threaten to intrude, and the memories don't retain their shine, you look into that box and do one of two things: remember why you kept those memories, or remember why you put them away.

Feeling Words

I have officially entered my first writing contest. Actually I entered three: a poem, a romance between two leprechauns (don't ask), and a short story.

The interesting thing about the short story is that I started it right before things went sideways with Him. It is only vaguely autobiographical, borrowing a few details while mostly trying to capture a "feeling". I don't especially like the story, but that's probably because instead of a happy ending, it had a grown-up ending.

I may try to write about the ending to the real story too, when I figure out what that feels like.

Stuff I Really Don't Like

1. tomatoes
2. clutter
3. not being taken seriously
4. feeling left out
5. letting someone else have the last word
6. summer in the South
7. uncertainty
8. fried eggs
9. when the idea in my head doesn't come out the same on paper
10. water
11. worrying about money
12. beetles and june bugs
13. cleaning up other people's messes
14. when people stand too close
15. people who don't think the same rules apply to them that apply to everyone else
16. people who tip for crap
17. intolerance
18. girls between the ages of about 11 and 16
19. rap music
20. reality tv
21. most things Disney
22. Wal-Mart
23. the Dallas Cowboys
24. right-wing tv commentators
25. people who are unjustifiably stuck up
26. wastefulness
27. excuses
28. rush hour traffic
29. walking on a gritty surface
30. dark beer

Somewhere in Between

He says it’s hot as hell in here
She says it not that bad
They smile and find the comfort in
The truth, it’s in between

She says they’ve gone too far
He says they’re close enough
She wishes they could just admit
The truth, they’re in between

She ventures do you think we should
He says let’s wait awhile
She hesitates but wants to tell
The truth, she’s in between

He says I think I know it
She says he could be right
He wonders if she knows about
The truth, he’s in between

He says he’d kind of like to
She says it can’t be done
He reckons both of them are right
The truth, it’s in between

She says it’s fine, I’ll do it
He says he doesn’t mind
They both suspect the other of
The truth, it’s in between

She says do you remember when
He claims he has forgotten
She knows that isn’t quite
The truth, it's in between

He says I don't suppose
She says you don’t propose
They smile and find the comfort in
The truth, it’s in between

Drama for the Day

Since I can't decide which is the bigger "news", I'll just list the drama of the day in random order:

1) A body was recovered and identified as my cousin Rick. He was first reported missing on July 1, 2010.
2) B got hit by a car while riding his bike to school this morning. Not sure of the details, because I think he is trying to tell it without getting himself in trouble. But he's OK, his bike is OK, and we have thoroughly reviewed the rules of him riding his bike.
3) The saga of him continues. I do not even know where to start except to say that the fictionalized short-story version I was working on suddenly seems ignorant in comparison. Truth really is stranger than fiction.
4) L talked to his parents today about losing his job and his plans for starting a business. They were surprisingly supportive, so that turned out to be not much drama after all.

Music Lessons

B is certainly not going to inherit any musical ability from me. But after listening to Radio Disney all the way home yesterday, I have decided that I owe it to both of us to at least teach him some basic music appreciation. He has the entire Beatle's boxed set on his mp3 player, which is a good start. He identifies songs by the movies or commercials, which at least means he's listening. He has favorites on Guitar Hero, which is something I guess.

I think the next step is to help him start distinguishing between good, bad and ordinary, the criteria of course being what I am willing to listen to :)

His first test will be his ability to identify the following:
~ Ozzy/Black Sabbath
~ Metallica
~ Nirvana
~ Beastie Boys
~ Green Day
~ Bob Marley
~ The Who
~ The Ramones
~ Johnny Cash
~ the use of a voice modulator
~ bass line/chord progression
We will work our way up to him being able to tell the difference between a cover and the original, as well as the difference between talent and celebrity.

Oh, I know he'll outgrow Radio Disney eventually, but I think I'll just help speed the process along :) Remind me in five years, when he he is listening to some total crap, that I encouraged this very thing!

Lowered Expectations

I am an expert at lowered expectations. Just when an outsider might think I have reached an new low, I find a way to rationalize, or accommodate, or blatantly ignore, and "make do". Some of the concessions I make are probably not that dramatic, just what you do when you are the wife, the mom or the employee who wants to see everything go smoothly. But sometimes I get really tired of being the one whose schedule, or needs, or interests, come last.

The last time I made a scene about it, I scored a minor point. I now get one Saturday a month to do my own thing. I go to a writers' group meeting, which is pretty interesting. Not a lot to show for it yet, but I have met some new people and at least started trying to write on a regular basis.

I am about to make a scene again. Not sure yet quite what point I want to make, and definitely not sure how it will turn out. But I have been thinking a lot about it, and I think I am going to start by expecting better, if not the best.

Making Amends

We used to have a tenant who was on meth. L talked with him a few times about either cleaning up, or moving out, and generally being a better tenant. The guy finally moved out, owing us a bit of money. L said he was sorry to see him go, as he seemed like a nice guy who just got in with some bad people, and he would have liked to see him get his act together.

Fast forward to the other night. The guy called, and is apparently coming off rehab and is in Narcotics Anonymous. Not sure off the top of my head what the "steps" are, but if they are close to AA they have something to do with accepting responsibility, making amends, etc. Long story short, he called to find out how much money he owed us so he could begin repaying his debt.

I am glad that he has taken steps to get clean. I sincerely hope it works out for him, even if we never see a dime.

Which Tony Did You Get?

We have a tenant who is bipolar. L used to complain about him because he was always calling for some weird reason. L was gone for awhile and I had to collect rent. T would call and ask if I was coming by, and he was always on time, and nice about it. I couldn't figure out why L didn't like him. That's when he told me that T was bipolar. Now we crack jokes about how schizo T always calls L, and normal T always calls me.

T collects disability, and doesn't work. He pays his rent on time, but in small bills. I asked L if he thought T was dealing, but he said no, he just works for cash. He's actually really smart, just can't work a lot of regular jobs because of his diagnosis.

"Really smart" apparently doesn't do him justice. L was talking to him the other day about his business idea. T has cash money, a lot of cash money, and is willing to invest in the business. So L was talking to me about it and says nothing is for sure yet, and of course he will get an agreement signed that lays out the terms.

My thoughts, in about this order: What kind of jobs does he do again, to have that kind of money sitting around? If he has that kind of cash around all the time, no wonder he is paranoid. And why the hell didn't Larry get something signed right then? You know, in case generous T isn't there on the day L is ready to go into business?

Intro to the Slumlord Chronicles

L and I own some rental property. Not a lot, just one house and 12 apartments. The tenant of our house is great - mostly pays his rent on time, and in return he is very low maintenance. The apartments, on the other hand, are filled with an assortment of losers and weirdos. We currently rent to two registered sex offenders and a junk man who looks like Charlie Daniels (if Charlie Daniels wore sweat pants and flip flops), among others. Sad thing is, the tenants we have right now are not bad, relatively speaking. While they are not problem-free, they do pay their rent, and they generally offer something in the way of entertainment value.

In fact, things have been pretty quiet over there for most of the summer so far. The most interesting thing to happen recently was on the 4th of July. C and B decided to set off fireworks, which was fine. They managed to catch one of the trees on the fence row on fire. Apparently it wasn't an all out blaze, just smoldering, but the sad thing is that it didn't occur to either of them to get the hose and put it out. Luckily, L was there and noticed it.

Anyways, mostly a decent group of tenants right now, but that could change at any time.

To the Big Guy on the Little Bike

To the Big Guy on the Little Bike:

OK, true, I could stop right there and it would be funny enough, but the truth is you were not being funny at all.

First, you were driving way too fast, which is your own business. You were driving recklessly, which makes it mine. Bright blue shirt notwithstanding, bikers are harder to see in traffic, even when drivers are watching for you. But when you come flying around people, cutting in and out of traffic, you are a danger to yourself and to others. You give responsible bikers a bad rep, and make drivers less willing to share the road you.

Second, you need to learn to ride before you get out on the road. (You may have been in front of me, but I still saw you choke it in the intersection.) Then, when you learn to drive that little bitty bike, you can get a bigger bike that will actually carry your fat ass and do 90 without whining.

Your Skinnier, Bike-riding Friend

Stress

I hold my stress in by clenching my teeth. Weird thing is, my teeth aren't what hurt, it's my back right between my upper shoulder blades. I can feel it now, what a stressful couple of weeks it has been.

My cousin Rick has been missing since last Thursday. Local authorities have been searching without success. The National Guard was called, but all they did was make a pass through in a helicopter, and then abandon the search. The search area has been widened, and they have agreed to let civilian search groups join in the effort. They are still operating on the assumption that he fell in the canal. Whether he is in or out at this point, the chances are not looking good.

L got his 3rd and final corrective (I read it. It was a joke). He is not sure when his last day will be, or even if they will give him notice. Because he will be considered terminated, he will lose any accrued vacation. They have also told him they will fight him on unemployment, but he is documenting enough stuff to fight back. In the meantime, he has been doing a ton of research into his business idea. As with anything, it will cost money to make money. I am very stressed about this right now.
 
Amanda wants to be released. I totally understand where she's coming from, but I am pretty sure I am not going to change her mind. From a selfish standpoint, this sucks for me. I like Amanda and do not want to look for a replacement already. At least we are friends and can remain so, but again, it's a little stressful. She is leaving me outnumbered by the crazy lady and her sidekick.

Add to this the stress of other people I care about, stupid people I can't do anything about, and assorted other crap. You wouldn't know I am stressed by looking at me, but you would know it by listening to me. Any stress that doesn't sit squarely on my shoulders comes right back out of my mouth in less than helpful ways, like meaningless babble, your basic whining, or sarcastic criticism. My mouth has mostly stayed shut, at least this week, but my shoulders are killing me.

At Least the Cookie was Good

I just came back from a Chinese restaurant I hadn't visited in a while. I had no complaints until I got to the fortune cookie. I broke it in half and popped a bite in my mouth. It was crispier than some fortune cookies, and I was thinking I liked it when I looked at my fortune.

Your problem just got worse. Think, what you have done.

Holy crap!!! I thought fortune cookies were supposed to be a philosophical riddle, positive at least, hokey or trite at the worst. And I thought the biggest thing I should worry about from the Chinese buffet is possibly contracting a food-borne illness.

I don't think I have done anything really terrible, but I also don't think I will be going back to this restaurant for a while!

Hand-holding Energy Zappers

I had a friend who had a theory about the transfer of energy between people. She believed that people are either energy givers or energy takers. Following an interaction with another person, each of you either feels energized or drained of energy.  You can both feel the same way, but one person rarely feels both ways at the same time. In an interaction with another person, the results might be different (one person gives you energy, another person takes it). Further, in subsequent interactions with people, you may feel completely differently, depending on the nature of the interaction, individual mood, involvement of other people, etc.

I always think it is an interesting theory, when I have cause to think about it at all. Selfishly, I am not usually thinking about my effect on other people, but I do tend to notice when I feel particularly energized or drained after an interaction with another person. For example, this week I have spent more time than I should have holding the hands of people who should be old enough and mature enough to not need it. While the hand-holding was figurative, not literal, the feeling is real. I have felt physically, emotionally and psychologically drained all week.

The antidote to energy takers is obviously to avoid them in favor of energy givers. Unfortunately, I have not only been unable to get away from the energy takers before now, I have been able to find only a few energy givers. Amanda has been something of an energy giver, although from a distance. Pam was not the energy giver she usually is, but she was at least not a taker. Surprisingly enough, my best source of energy this week has been my kids. In B's case, I am not sure he has been a giver as much as he has not been a taker, especially after last week. But the twins have been my lifesavers this week. Whether this is just because they are getting more mature, or they are having a good week, or they could somehow sense that I was not up to anything else, I don't know. I just know that they have both been so sweet, and so funny, and so loving (without being clingy!) that I don't know what I would have done without them.

The good news is that the week is almost over. A holiday weekend is coming up and I am already feeling more positive energy than I have felt all week. I have decided to quit hand-holding in favor of hugging my kids and crossing my fingers that the feeling lasts.