Was playing around on Facebook and got started reminiscing with a roommate from college. We started out talking about the holidays, but something she said made me think about how different the holidays were when we were in college. I commented that I sort of missed the days when Christmas meant almost a month with no work or school and everyone understood if your gifts came from a head shop. (The more I thought about it, I realized there are some similarities this year too, namely that I will be scraping together the cash for a road trip in a car I am not sure will make it and that I will be showing up with more dirty laundry than clean, but I didn't post that.)
Also recently connected with another friend from high school and through him found his brother and another guy I used to fool around with. Reminded me of the time we were at Kennedy's and they were trying to demonstrate wrestling moves. Phil and I were all tangled up and trying not to laugh when Aaron and Nathan's dad walked in. He just sort of looked at all of us and went to bed to pass out, then we all fell out laughing really hard. (Eric J was probably there too.)
Anyways, it was a good day on FB, which I forgot how much I used to like.
December 17, 2011
December 15, 2011
I Can't Stop
Anyone who knows me very well knows that the likelihood of me having a nervous breakdown is not inconceivable. Even if it wasn't already in my genetic makeup, life has given me some real crap to work with. Most of the time I hold the terror at bay by cracking jokes about my state of mental health and suppressing whatever it is that is bothering me. Then every once in a while I engineer a way to relieve some of the pressure, usually by picking a fight or drinking more than I should. Point is, I know that every once in awhile things are going to build up, I am going to have a fairly controlled mini-meltdown, and everything will be fine again for awhile.
When those "getting to know your friends" requests make the rounds, and the questions include "when is the last time you cried", I can usually say I don't remember. That's because I try really, really hard not to cry. I can usually manage to keep from crying, which is good. I have a much harder time stopping, which is not cool. The key here is that I maintain some feeling of being in control, which brings me to this week.
Tuesday, for no real reason, I could suddenly tell that I was about to lose it, so I skipped out of work. Then, before I even made it out of the parking lot and onto the street, I just busted out bawling. I mean like big, loud, snot-making bawling like a little kid. I sort of got it together after a few minutes, which helped, but the whole way home I had to keep trying not to cry. I was after all driving in rush hour and crazy fog.
I got home only to find out that I had a meeting. I made it through that OK, then went to have something to eat. Blame it on the coffee, but I slept terribly. At one point I was laying there debating if I should just get up, when I started crying again.
Wednesday was a very long day because I was exhausted and had to deal with whatever had brought this on. My boss wasn't at work, so I sent her an email. She wasn't there today either, although I got an email in return. She should be there tomorrow, when we are supposed to have an actual discussion.
There is obviously a lot I am not telling right now, but I should know more after tomorrow. On a better day, I might have a job I like again. In a better life, I wouldn't be stuck in a job and a life I hate because the alternative is unthinkable. At least for now I have stopped with the random crying.
When those "getting to know your friends" requests make the rounds, and the questions include "when is the last time you cried", I can usually say I don't remember. That's because I try really, really hard not to cry. I can usually manage to keep from crying, which is good. I have a much harder time stopping, which is not cool. The key here is that I maintain some feeling of being in control, which brings me to this week.
Tuesday, for no real reason, I could suddenly tell that I was about to lose it, so I skipped out of work. Then, before I even made it out of the parking lot and onto the street, I just busted out bawling. I mean like big, loud, snot-making bawling like a little kid. I sort of got it together after a few minutes, which helped, but the whole way home I had to keep trying not to cry. I was after all driving in rush hour and crazy fog.
I got home only to find out that I had a meeting. I made it through that OK, then went to have something to eat. Blame it on the coffee, but I slept terribly. At one point I was laying there debating if I should just get up, when I started crying again.
Wednesday was a very long day because I was exhausted and had to deal with whatever had brought this on. My boss wasn't at work, so I sent her an email. She wasn't there today either, although I got an email in return. She should be there tomorrow, when we are supposed to have an actual discussion.
There is obviously a lot I am not telling right now, but I should know more after tomorrow. On a better day, I might have a job I like again. In a better life, I wouldn't be stuck in a job and a life I hate because the alternative is unthinkable. At least for now I have stopped with the random crying.
December 13, 2011
Stuff
that is just plain pissing me off today:
people who are afraid to drive in traffic, and therefore only come to the city during the holidays
conspiracy theorists
people who think God gives a rats ass about football
my boss
people who are afraid to drive in traffic, and therefore only come to the city during the holidays
conspiracy theorists
people who think God gives a rats ass about football
my boss
December 1, 2011
Content Warning
Seriously, do not read this post if you are squeamish.
I may be taking off work for a funeral tomorrow. The husband of a friend of L's killed himself. At home. In front of her and two of her teenage sons. After he closed his three young daughters in their room.
L hasn't decided if he wants to go to the funeral or not. He is so furious and sick about the whole thing that he is afraid he won't be able to say anything helpful for Michelle. I feel for Michelle too, and for the boys, and I know this will be hard for them. Even though I do not consider her a friend exactly, I wish there was something I could do or say to make this time easier for her.
For some reason though, I hurt the most for three little girls I have never even met. When they came out of their room, hours later, they were taken to another house, where they have been all week. They'll return home when they're ready. There they will find everything like it was before, because the house has been cleaned by a professional crime scene clean up crew. Only their dad won't be there any more. And they can't go to their mom, because apparently she has mental problems. And Michelle is their best hope.
What can I say that would possibly make this better for anyone?
I may be taking off work for a funeral tomorrow. The husband of a friend of L's killed himself. At home. In front of her and two of her teenage sons. After he closed his three young daughters in their room.
L hasn't decided if he wants to go to the funeral or not. He is so furious and sick about the whole thing that he is afraid he won't be able to say anything helpful for Michelle. I feel for Michelle too, and for the boys, and I know this will be hard for them. Even though I do not consider her a friend exactly, I wish there was something I could do or say to make this time easier for her.
For some reason though, I hurt the most for three little girls I have never even met. When they came out of their room, hours later, they were taken to another house, where they have been all week. They'll return home when they're ready. There they will find everything like it was before, because the house has been cleaned by a professional crime scene clean up crew. Only their dad won't be there any more. And they can't go to their mom, because apparently she has mental problems. And Michelle is their best hope.
What can I say that would possibly make this better for anyone?
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