Action Words

We ARE CLOSING on the apartments tomorrow.
Dennis IS in jail and will likely GO TO PRISON.
I AM NOT GOING to Chicago next week.
My head still HURTS, but...
I AM EXCITED about this weekend.

The Secrets That I Keep

My niece had an abortion when she was 16. I don't know who else she has told, but I have never told anyone.

I am 95% sure my boss was sexually molested when she was around 13 or 14 but I don't want to ask her directly.

I have an acquaintance whose husband has a sexual relationship with his stepdaughter from a previous marriage. M would like to report him, but she is currently trying to adopt his three younger kids and doesn't want to jeopardize that. If she waits to report him, she has to hope it doesn't come out in a divorce that she knew something and didn't report it. I am not supposed to know about it at all.

I have another acquaintance that has cancer. When his name comes up in a meeting, I don't say that I know why he has been out of the loop so much lately.

I met with a student for an independent study project. After about two hours of talking with her about her proposed project, I have reason to be concerned for her, but after the first interview, she stopped contacting me. I can't contact her because of school security.

My mom tried to commit suicide once.

I got a DUI once. It's not a secret, although I don't think my family knows about it. What is a secret is how badly I really crave a drink most days. The bigger secret is how I manage to sneak one in once in awhile.

Oh Come On

I do my fair share of whining and self-pitying, but I also recognize that in the grand scheme of things I don't have it so bad. I have enough of what I need, most of the time, with few exceptions. But every once in a while it would be nice to have something I just want, just because. I don't feel any sense of entitlement other than to have a fair chance. I am basically pragmatic, and try to stop short of being downright cynical. I know I probably won't win the lottery, but could I please just catch a break once in a while? Could something not get lost or broken until I was ready to replace it? Could I get a GOOD surprise once in awhile? Could I have something, anything, turn out the way I expected? For example, I don't expect the a-hole who took my new bicycle to return it, but could I least have a dog that would actually keep someone besides the pizza guy out of my yard?

Blood

My brother and I were sitting in the front seat of the truck, waiting for my mom so we could go home. "Whatcha doing?" I asked him, even though I could see he was working on some kind of a puzzle book. He didn't answer, so I started nudging him with my elbow and saying "Huh?, huh?" over and over. Without warning, he hauled off and punched me in my nose, which immediately started gushing blood.

Let me explain here that I have a serious problem with nosebleeds. I have an enlarged vein right under the skin. Of course when I was a kid I picked at it all the time. But even a bump in the right place can make it bleed, and once it starts it takes forever to stop. My parents tried all sorts of home remedies for stopping it when I was younger. Nothing ever worked, so instead I had to take preventive steps, like medicine and stuff to thicken my blood. At the time of this incident, we were living in Leadville, which is known as the highest city in the continental US (They are referring to elevation. Aspen wins the other title). Besides being at a very high altitude, Leadville also has a very dry climate. Both of these exacerbate the nosebleed situation.

So back to the story. I must have screamed or something, because my mom came running over. My brother and I were both trying to tell her what happened - him, that I was pestering him, me the obvious - that he hit me hard enough to make my nose bleed.

Let me explain here that my mom has always treated my brother and I differently. My dad says she babies him, I used to just think she liked him better.So think what you will when I tell you that my mother made me get out of the truck and walk home.

It was about two miles from the stables to the house. I had to walk through two pastures, but in an indirect path because parts of them were under about four inches of water where they had been flood-irrigated. I pinched my nose and started walking. I made it through the first pasture before I got dizzy and had to sit down. The best way to stop a nosebleed is to tilt your head back and just pinch your nose until it clots. I couldn't lay down, but I sat there for quite awhile, until I began to get hungry. I didn't want to be hiking cross-country in the dark, and I was already covered in blood, so I decided to just get it over with. I lifted my shirt up to use as a cloth, and started walking again.

Once I got to the highway, I had another 50 yards or so to our road. Several times cars started to slow down, as if to offer me a ride, then sped up again after getting a good look. By this time, the top half of my shirt was soaked in blood, as were my hands, arms and nose. My nose and eyes were swollen and red. It was dark when I walked in to find my mom and my brother eating dinner.

I have no idea what my mom said to my brother. What she said to me was "Are you hungry?" There were no questions about how I was feeling, if it hurt, was I OK. No apology of any kind from anyone. My dad thought to ask why I hadn't punched him back, but otherwise the incident was never spoken of again.

Did I pester my brother again? Of course, he's my brother. Did I have more nosebleeds? Always, but never again because I got punched. Do I still believe my mom liked my brother best? Doesn't matter - on that day she didn't like me enough that I had to walk two miles in the semi-dark, across a swamp, losing enough blood to make me light-headed. Call it what you like, but I am not making this crap up.

Curls

So I finally put up a profile pic after all of this time. I didn't put it up because I care if anyone knows what I look like. I put it up because I haven't had hair this long since I was about 6 or 7 years old. I have since gotten it trimmed, so I have more curls than frizz. I never had curls when I was a kid either. In fact, I look like a boy in most of my school pictures until junior high. Always have the dimples though  :)

Crazy Dreams

My permanent headache has returned, along with not being able to sleep. I have also been having more funky dreams. They are pretty vivid when I first wake up, but I forget them if I don't write them down. Will try to start doing that, to see if there is a theme of any kind.

Also planning to write about the time my brother broke my nose, plus maybe about some of the random crap going on in general, just as a way to get a handle on it/how I feel about it/blah blah blah.

Hate

The girl tucked her coat around her arms and pressed herself into the corner. Neva sat to her left, and Kirsten sat on the outside. She leaned her head against the cold glass of the window. Crap it was cold, but it was still the best seat for the trip. She settled in for the ride home.

The bus was groaning down the first winding hill out of Kellyville. She wasn’t sleeping, or even daydreaming, but was in sort of a lull when she sensed and then felt movement. She felt something touch her right side and reached down to push it away. At the same time, a voice next to her ear whispered “Don’t”. She tried again to push the hand away, but he was insistent. She pulled her coat tight with her left hand and tried with the other to deter the hand that kept grasping at her. It was surprisingly hard to move his arm from where he had it wedged between the seat and the wall, especially if she didn’t want to attract attention to herself. She could hear him murmuring something, whether to her or to his seatmate she couldn’t tell. She couldn’t turn her head to reply to him, but she knew who was behind her.

She made herself as still and unresponsive as possible and tried to pretend this was not happening. She was sure this would somehow be seen as her fault if anyone found out. At the very least she would be referred to by the tacky nicknames used for girls who let themselves get felt up on a bus full of people. For all she knew, everyone in the seat behind her was already getting a play by play about how he had managed to undo her pants and work his hand inside. God, she hated him. She tried not to cry when she realized her body was betraying her, growing damp in response to the persistent fumbling of a boy she had literally hated since kindergarten. She bit her lip and vowed that she would never stop hating him.

Years later she would remember the scene and imagine herself standing up and punching him in the face and threatening to break his arm if he ever touched her again. Instead, she fastened he pants as discreetly as possible. She nudged Neva with her elbow and said “Hey, it’s really cold. Will you trade me places for awhile?” She hated him for a long time after that, until one day she grew up and didn't feel anything at all.

Monday Thoughts

Last week - SUCKED
Saturday - looked better after one football game, one soccer game, one 125-mile trip made in less than three hours. Looked less good after I shared a fold-out bed with a squirmy four year old, had a very vivid dream about Him, and woke up with my back killing me.
Sunday - took awhile to straighten out, but turned out to be a nice day. We floated the Buffalo River, which was only a little bit low and slow. The weather was great and I think the kids enjoyed it. All three slept most of the way home, which meant I had a pretty pleasant drive alone with the radio and my random thoughts. Of course by the time I got home, I had managed to recreate that ball of stress between my shoulder blades.
Monday - too soon to tell - will probably be stressful in the ways that I am used too, like too much to do without help, but so far nothing I haven't seen coming. I will deal with it, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

I need a new distraction - the weekend wasn't long enough.

WTF

Spent last night and so far today trying to sort out weekend plans. In the middle of it all, another random text that has me out of sorts. Topped off by a mutiny in the making. Oh yeah, the next two days are gonna suck too.

But this is funny, in a sad and ironic kind of way.