Watch My Beer

I dreamed I was among a group of people walking around and around a large property. There was a cemetery at one end. We did not walk around that, although it was clearly part of the same property. In our effort to avoid it, we walked in random steps around every edge and structure. This led me to stop beside a retaining wall, where I shared a few words with Wilda. Her niece passed away earlier this week on what should have been her 42nd birthday.

In the next scene, I was on the other side of the retaining wall, in what appeared to be a storage area between rooms. It contained a round table with a couple of men seated at it. I set my jacket and a half full pitcher in an empty seat. Then I walked around to the opposite side, put my arms around Him from behind, and whispered into his ear, "watch my beer. You can have some, but don't let anyone else have any". He laughed that familiar laugh and said "I can have some, huh?". "Sure, dude", I said. "I'm going for a walk."

I REALLY do not know what this dream was all about.

I Dreamed a Dream

I dreamed I was invited to spend the weekend at a house. I do not know who invited me. I do not know where it was. All I know is that the house reminded me of the kinds of houses we lived in in college - circa 1950s, with white aluminum siding, crooked metal awnings, porches with fake wrought iron holding up the corners, cracked linoleum and cheap paneling inside, except for the kitchens painted white to hide the layers of years' worth of paint and grime. I didn't know anyone else there except for Him.

I wasn't particularly surprised to see him for some reason. We spent the whole weekend politely avoiding each other. I don't remember anything we did while we were there until the last day. A few of us were carrying out trash and mopping up a floor that was sticky for some reason. Somehow the two of us were the only people in the kitchen. We edged into a little pantry alcove, where he leaned against the wall, and I leaned against him. He was wearing a gray t-shirt, and was solid yet comfortable at the same time.

I woke up almost immediately, with a feeling of having very noticeably, physically relaxed. As in, just letting go, and not feeling that I had to to be in control of everything, even if just for a minute.

I laid in bed for another five minutes, trying to get that feeling back.

Like a Boss

Right off the bat, let me mention that I found B's stash of porn DVDs. Not what I expected to find, and really not sure yet how to proceed. For now, waiting to see how he reacts when he notices they are missing.

Second, I (re)discovered that minimum wage customer service employees do not usually get their jobs because of their customer service skills, but because of their minimum wage abilities. Long story short, the roof guy had left some sample boards at his MIL's place of work because it was a convenient place for both of us. When I asked about them, it took several tries between two employees and myself to sort out that I did not expect them to unlock the pharmacy and give me drug samples for shingles, but that I was there to pick up some samples of shingles I was considering for my roof. Why they were locked in the pharmacy is mystery number one. Why employee number one thought employee number two was any smarter is mystery number two. Why they put a guy who keeps repeating that he suffers from short term memory loss on the cash register is mystery number three. If I will EVER get the roof redone is mystery number four, but that is a separate issue.

Third, trying to figure out why now, after a very long time, I cannot get someone off my mind. I didn't dream about him, but I did have a series of crazy dreams that kept waking me up, and when I did wake up to stay, there he was again. It's not a bad thing, thinking about him, just trying to sort out why now. I did a mental check of "triggers", but I could not care less about March Madness, I can't remember the last time I had a drink, and I am not feeling particularly vulnerable or melancholy.

In fact, while I am not exactly iron-clad, I am kind of rockin' it. I am getting more done around the house since I got put in charge. My new job is turning out to be pretty great.  I also have two contracts now for freelance work. It looks like spring might be on its way to stay. Other than the young son with the beginnings of an adult-sized porn collection, I am doing ok as a de facto single parent.

On a sad note, L seems to think the DVDs might have been John's. Can't return them to a person who no longer exists. Likewise with Jodie. What a strange winter, to have two peers almost my exact age pass away. We'll save the list of things that really suck for another day.

#selectivecaring #likeaboss @pollyanna

Letter to Him

Hey.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately.

That is all.

Me

Annual Letter to Him

Hey. Not much to write about, but it just seemed like it was about that time again. I am thinking back about the past year, trying to decide what has changed and what has stayed the same.

In family news, B has started junior high and the twins have started Kindergarden. We are staying busy with football, soccer, church and other activities. In work news, I am crazy busy right now with our annual conference, but as soon as I feel no obligation to my boss, I am going to start looking again for a new job.  For awhile I settled for just keeping an eye out for something, but now I am actively putting the word out to select colleagues and scouring the ads. I had thought I would be going to Florida next month, but that has changed. Other than being annoyed by the way my boss handled it, I don't mind not making the trip. I truly have enough to keep me occupied right now without another trip to plan.

Looking back, I wonder how I ever had so much time to spend chatting with and texting you all of the time. Was I less busy then? Was I neglecting my family? I try to tell myself  that surely if I had been that consumed with whatever it was we were doing, someone would have noticed. Then again, I had a husband who barely seemed to notice anything I did or didn't do. In that respect, things are a bit different now. Better in some ways. Just different in others.

So on one hand, nothing much has changed. Life is still busy with the same people and concerns. If anything is different, it must be my attitude. I wouldn't say I am happy, or even particularly satisfied with life right now. But I have quit looking for other people to make me happy. Instead, I am realistic about what I can and can not do or have. I content myself with kicking ass at the stuff I get right, and try to back off from the things I can't change. And that break from reality a few years ago? That's a distant memory.

I'd ask you how things are for you on your end, but...

To be honest, when I think back to the last time I thought about you, all I can come up with are questions. Not deep philosophical questions, or questions about feelings, but two very straightforward questions:

Why did you leave school, really? And when you kept apologizing for "what you had done to me", were you referring to leaving without looking back, or did you end up with a big wad of money from me that wasn't all yours to have?

No matter, it's not like we'll ever talk again. I'll just close by saying that I hope things are going well for you and your family. I hope you have at least found your happy place again.

I'll keep looking for mine, in places where I might actually find it. We'll see where I am next year at this time :)

Trifecta!

I know, I swore I wasn't going to write about Him anymore, but I have to because I think I have finally conquered the trifecta! No, I didn't win big at the track, but I did, to quote dictionary.com, accomplish something involving three successful outcomes.

For way too long, I moped around about a guy I used to know, for reasons I can't (OK, don't want to) explain. What I do know is that certain events or conditions triggered thoughts of him that usually led to extra whining and bad judgement on my part.

But the other night, when the kids kept repeatedly choosing that song while playing Dance Dance Revolution, I realized that while I was annoyed by the repetition, the actual song didn't make me feel so pitiful. Then Friday, when I was feeling sorry for myself, the person I thought to call first was not him. After a little more thought, I realized that I had also avoided the third trigger, which involves alcohol.

Yeah, I know, managing not to text a certain someone or go into a funk every time I am feeling hormonal, or buzzed, or just extra wussy isn't exactly a "success", but it does mean now I can seriously get my groove on the next time I play DDR. Now if it only included the stripper song!

Done and Doner

Conference - done. Went down Tuesday to set up. Went out with Marti and Carolene. Wednesday was Day One. It went pretty well, just very busy. Wednesday night, I was exhausted and had no obligations, so I went to my room to chill out. When I felt a bit better, I went downstairs for a drink. One drink later I was in a conversation with some nice people and watching baseball, so I had another drink. Then some more people came and we were talking about politics, so I ordered another drink. Then some state legislators came in and we were gossiping about other state legislators. Fortunately neither was my representative or on the committee that has oversight for my agency, because by this time I realized I should have quit at two drinks. Got back to my room and did something that still makes no sense and texted Him. Correction, I think the text itself made sense, at least to me at the time, but not why I felt the need to text Him. I think I was finished drinking, but still interested in making a "connection" with someone. I must of been more gone than I realized, because sober I would have known there was no connection to be made there.

Speaking of sober, I woke up feeling terrible on Thursday. One of the first things I did, after I realized that this day was going to S-U-C-K suck, was delete his number from my phone. Not sure why I hadn't done it sooner, but it's done now. As I suspected, Thursday was the worst. I was so tired I couldn't stop moving because I wasn't sure I could get going again. At the end of it all, a group of us went out to dinner. We ended up staying longer than we had planned, because in our absence the hotel had to be evacuated. The policeman said it was a gas leak, but the otherwise normal-looking women at the next table swore a "gas bomb" had been set off at the Tea Party banquet on the second floor. I am personally inclined to believe the nice policeman, but I plan to investigate the rumor. Glad we were out for the evacuation, because at that point I am not sure I would have been able to walk down 14 flights of stairs. Even better, I now know how to clear out a Tea Party event :)

So today was good, and now I am done for the week. My car is unloaded to make room for football and soccer equipment and the weekend looks fantastic weather- and plans-wise. Headed home to enjoy my family before I have to return to the office and start sorting it all back out. And that's my preliminary report for the week: Hot Springs - great, drunk texting bad. I...am...done

Letter to Him

What I would say, if communication between us extended beyond the unexpected birthday text.

Is it any wonder I can't concentrate?

What we thought was a wasp sting ended up looking more like a spider bite, so L took B to the doctor. She thinks its staph infection. Since I wasn't there, I don't know what all she said, and I am anxious to look into it a little further because I am not convinced. Either way, antibiotics were prescribed and should hopefully take care of it.

On a different note, we busted him looking up questionable content on youtube. L just said their chat went OK, but he didn't elaborate. Pretty sure this is only the beginning!

Troy-I didn't explain, but he tried to commit suicide. Don't really know what to say about this, or who I would talk to about it, but has been definitely been on my mind.

Since the birthday message from Him, I have been thinking about him often again. Not a bad thing, but also not terribly productive or helpful. More pleasant to think about than crazy and contagious and being the parent of an almost adolescent, I guess.

Ellie and Bubba J - The End

It's over. No big declaration or epiphany, not even anything specific. Not that anybody's asking, but let's just say that I invoked the Mom Rule - It's over...because I said so.

And because this is strictly an internal decision, I don't really have to explain the childish compulsion to test the elasticity of the rule. But I will say that when this song came on today, I listened all the way through with changing it - just to see if I could.

Random Thoughts of the Week

Spring! Tulip trees are in bloom, and the first jonquils are blooming across the street.
Feeling much better finally. No episodes today (so far) for the first time in three weeks.
Still kind of at loose ends, but holding on to the vague feeling that something good is just around the bend.
And I might as well say it, I have been thinking of Him a lot this week. I am not missing him in a sad way, just hard not to think of him because random associations keep popping up:

• he recently had a birthday
• last year at this time, I paid attention to NCAA Basketball in for the first time in about 15 years, just because he was paying attention to it. It's that time again.
• I have also been thinking about signing up for a fantasy football league (if they get things sorted out), and wouldn't mind have someone to talk to about it first.
• I heard what I thought might turn out to be my stripper song today, but it turned out to be more something someone would say to me rather than me to them (quit talking, start ...)
• read an email from Todd B that indirectly referenced him (and that I thought had been long-deleted, BTW. F***ing Facebook)
• Oh yeah, and L might be ready to buy a second rig. The first one he and B picked up in Kolona, IA, but I went to DC instead. This one is in California and might turn into a better road trip.

Mostly a good week though, and the promise of some better times to come.

No Joke

Weird. I was searching through my email folders looking for funny mail I wanted to share when I came across an old email from Him. I thought I had deleted all of those, but I was wrong. Of course I can't concentrate after reading it, but not for the reason I would have expected. It's not because I have some plethora of thoughts or emotions to sort through, but the exact opposite. I am trying hard to discern any specific feeling at all and I can't. I'm not sure if this should make me relieved, or glad, or sad, or what. And I still need a joke for my meeting.

The Truth According to Elmo

OK, so I didn't tell the whole truth. The infamous Him once asked me if I had talked to anyone about us and I just told him not exactly. The truth is that a few people in Chat Room # Whatever probably heard more of the whole story than any of my friends. When people asked me what I was up to, I just said I was bored because my usual late-night chat buddy was busy. You know, with his wife. A few people asked questions, but nobody really seemed surprised by the story. I got a few offers to go private or web chat, but that wasn't really what I was looking for. Neither was the advice on how to turn those late night chats into "sexting" (interesting thought, advice less necessary than reciprocal interest). I did chat with a couple of them at other times, but I haven't talked to either of them again since I quit logging in to Yahoo Messenger last summer.

Mainly I am an old-school girl, not really into icky chat rooms, content enough with tickling Elmo to one of a handful of standard fantasies that didn't include creeps and married men I met online. One of these fantasies was based on my memories of Him from years ago. One was based on what might happen if we ever met up again. Suffice it to say that both of those fantasies, along with a couple of others, have been royally f***ed up, and not in a good way.

I could get all philosophical about how fantasizing about some guy from college is not very healthy. I could get bummed that I didn't/don't have more memorable-in-a-good-way sexual experiences. I could be cerebral and explain why having a fantasy in my head actually makes the act of self-pleasure less pathetic. But the truth is, I get annoyed. That's because aside from all of the uninvited "feelings" and crazy emotional crap he left me to sort out, he still manages to intrude into my most private thoughts when it is least convenient. I get annoyed because something basic and basically enjoyable now requires too much thought. Yes, I get annoyed because the old fantasies don't work anymore, and I haven't found a suitable replacement.

I could point out that it doesn't mean Elmo and I won't keep working on it :-)

The Rule of Four

This post is a bit outdated, but I am going to write it anyway so that the one currently in my head will make more sense when I get around to writing it.

When I had the twins, I read or heard from more than one source that a lot of the chaos would settle down after four months. At the time I laughed. Not because I didn't think the chaos would settle down, but because four months seemed kind of arbitrary, not like one or two, or even three or six. Then one day I made it to work sort of on time, in clothes that didn't have spit up down the back, with my hair in something other than a knot. Someone asked me how old the twins were and as I stopped to calculate, I was surprised to find that they were almost exactly four months old. Sure enough, the chaos had settled down as predicted, right on schedule and with little fanfare.

Awhile back, I found myself changing what had become a daily habit of compulsively checking for signs of Him. At first I had to consciously allow myself to check only once a day, until one day I was surprised to find that I had skipped a day without noticing. The next time, I had to consciously go through the routine, as if it was more of a chore to be checked off. A quick calculation told me that it had been about four months since I had last heard from him. I am not a believer in signs, or fate, but even I could see the time had come to move on. Since then, I have have only looked in the old places if something has prompted me, with no specific feelings about the matter.

A couple of weeks later I was pondering this "rule of four" and did some more math. It had been about four months since L officially began working for himself again. I tried to think of any big milestone that had been reached. I got my answer a couple of days later when in the course of discussing the business L reported that he had paid a large bill from the working account, not from the original investment. It will be awhile before the business is actually making a profit, but four months in and we are not borrowing faster than we are earning. Looking ahead four more months, it will not only be what passes for spring in the south, it will also be much nicer for working outdoors for awhile. Maybe not a milestone, but the thought of settling into a predictable routine is good right now.

I doubt the rule of four applies to everything, or surely I would have heard of it before? Nevertheless, I am grateful when it does work, and hope the next bit of chaos is a long way away before I have to test the rule again.

Ellie and Bubba J - Chapter 3

I still think and write about him for two main reasons. The first is pretty straightforward. The other is pretty straightforward too, but more embarrassing? downright pitiful? to admit explain.

First, I just miss him. He will always be someone I just like and care about and enjoy being around. In fact, being around him was always so EASY. In college, I was still becoming the person I was going to be. With him, I never ever felt like I was anything but my genuine self. Bonus that he seemed to like me anyway. I don't remember ever feeling tense or anxious about us, or looking farther ahead than the next time I could see him. If I came around and he was gone, no worries. If he was there, great. Part of that was pretending I didn't know the end was coming, but also just because the present was always good. We had fun just hanging out. We didn't really make any demands of each other, or promises we couldn't keep, so there was no opportunity for disappointment. It was just so f***ing easy.

Fast forward to a time in life where nothing is that simple any more. And there he was, still the same in many ways, and still a great way to pass the time. Again, we spent a lot of time just talking and hanging out. Again, it was nice to know he wasn't too far away even if he wasn't right here. Again, I suspected the end would come eventually, which it did. So there's where the whole missing him thing comes in. I'll get tired of pouting about it and move on.

But what makes it so hard to do is that thing that makes me sound whiny and selfish and pathetic. It's that besides just missing him as a person and a friend, I miss having that easy thing in my life and I am not doing a very good job of filling the space left over.

See, he exited the picture right about the same time things went completely sideways for me. L lost his job. Life got busy with school and work. Things that would have been mere annoyances became monumental without two incomes, compounded by the fact that L kept some things from that he shouldn't have. Some things I used to do for fun and socialization, like my writer's group, have gotten put aside while L tries to get his new business up and running. I didn't go to the doctor when I should have and now I have a headache all of the time. None of these things are insurmountable, but I miss having someone to either talk to about these things or to distract me from them.

Instead, I am grumpy to people for what seems like no reason, because I can't begin to explain everything that is really bugging me. Or I latch onto complete strangers and behave like a socially inept stalker (sorry, you two). Yes, I have people who are willing to listen for a bit, but the lazy, greedy part of me wants back the person who knew all of it, from beginning to end, and was willing to listen anyway, or ask the right questions, or say the right things to take me in an entirely different direction for awhile.

The responsible, grown-up part of me knows that life will never be that simple again, and that sometimes I make things harder than they have to be. But certain other parts of me will always miss him, as a person and for the easy thing we were together.

to be continued...?

Ellie and Bubba J - Chapter 2

So what kind of thing did I have with him? Depends on who you ask, and on what kind of day. Depends on if you will accept a definition of what it wasn't as much as what it was. Depends on my ability to just write it down without trying to be witty or wise or without editing as I go, so here goes...

It was not an affair, although it shared many characteristics of that kind of relationship - it was thrilling, and intense, and meaningful in its way. It was something I looked forward to and planned my time around. It could have completely consumed me if I had let it. It was also something I instinctively kept to myself and something I tried not to examine too closely. It was something I held on to even when I recognized that it was a bad idea.

It was something I couldn't explain, which was fine, because in many ways no explanation was needed. To use an already overused phrase, it just was what it was.

His wife was convinced it was something more. My husband accepted it when I told him it was a Facebook reconnect with someone I used to know. In many ways, that's all it was. True that we spent a lot of time texting or chatting, but more often than not we talked about music, sports, work, plans for the weekend, or whatever. We talked a little about the past, but it certainly wasn't like we were trying to relive it, or plan a future for that matter. A few times we talked about what we might do if we got a chance to meet up, but we never made specific plans to get together. Other than a couple of pics, I still haven't seen him since college.

So, no meeting, no plans, no phone sex, ha ha. No more contact from his wife. Why then am I still going on about it?

to be continued...

Ellie and Bubba J - Chapter 1

I met him in college. I was 18. He was a couple of years older. I really don't remember "meeting" him, just that I sort of became aware of him and he seemed like someone I would like to know better. For some reason I was hanging around his suite when he and some friends were discussing spring break. A suggestion turned into a plan, and a friend and I ended up going to California with him and a couple of other people.

After spring break, my friend started a new job, my room mate moved in with her boyfriend, and it seemed like everyone was preoccupied with finals and summer plans. Then my grandma passed away. My parents called about me taking a bus home for the funeral, and I went to retrieve my atlas from him so I could look at the route. I remember him laughing when I asked for it, probably thinking it was an excuse of some kind. Afterward, I sort of started coming around again until one night I just didn't leave. Then we just hung out all the time. I blew off friends, and whatever classes I could so I wouldn't miss a chance to spend time with him before the semester ended. The day he left, I cried like the biggest baby ever. I wrote him once, and moped over him for awhile. The next fall, I fished around a bit for info, but knew he had moved on and so did I.

I thought about him off and on for the next 20+ years, until about six months ago when I thought to look him up on Facebook. There he was looking very much like I remembered. I sent him an email, and was surprised to hear back from him right away. Within a pretty short time, we were emailing and chatting back and forth, and spending almost as much time together as we had when we were actually a thing. Then it sort of turned into a thing again.

to be continued...

Epiphany

I had a really hard time today. Could NOT stop thinking about Him and it is starting to piss me off. I have started writing about Him several times and scrapped it because I can't seem to organize my thoughts, or I edit myself, trying to be more philosophical about the whole thing. Why not just say what is on my mind? Truth is I could write about Him all day without much trouble. Problem is I keep trying to spin it so that I don't look like a self-centered nut job and I am not buying my own BS.

Panic Attack

I was chatting with an acquaintance tonight and she mentioned that she was impressed that I could get up in front of 600 people to talk without panicking. She said that she has to take a Xanax and get a priesthood blessing just to give a talk in church. She is not the only person I have heard say something like that. I feel bad for those people, but I do not understand what it feels like to be them in that situation. I get nervous, and I worry about things, and I have a brain that jumps all over the place as it tries to keep up with my mouth, but I am not really prone to all out panic. 

The other night I woke up with what I imagine a panic attack might feel like. I was gasping, and getting very upset that I could not seem to get a deep breath, or get control of the situation. When I quit freaking out, my chest hurt and the bed was destroyed. I remembered that I fell asleep thinking about someone I used to know and a possible post I have been wanting to write. I looked at the clock and saw that only about 30 minutes had passed since I went to bed so it hadn't been long enough to be in a deep sleep. If anything, I must have arrived at the edge of the place where reality and dreaming sort of blurred together.

Was it a panic attack? Having never had one, I can't really say. And it's not like I am going to ask anyone. Then I would be comparing myself to someone who had a legitimate, medically-recognized condition shared by millions of people world wide. I am just stupid. And while I definitely know stupid when I see it, it's not the same as diagnosable. So why is it that the idea of speaking to a crowd of 600 people makes me only slightly nervous, but the thought of never seeing or talking to Him again is enough to generate the kind of fit that would wake me from a dead sleep with the whole center of my being feeling like I had been run over?

Oh That Smell

Well crap. On a night when I was exhausted, at the beginning of the week when I really needed the sleep, I woke up halfway through the night and never quite went back to sleep.

I know why though. I had a dream. In my dream, I was going out for the evening with Him. Not sure where we were going, but we were dressed up. At some point we decided to go to a low-rent gambling place. We got separated. When we met up again, we hugged and he smelled amazing. I think that is what woke me up, and everything that came after was me trying to get back to the good part of the dream. It must have been the smell I was chasing, because he was being a bit of a jerk. There was some fence-climbing, and a fight over a hammer, and a break-up of the impromptu band over creative differences. At some point during the meeting with the owners of the racehorse I leaned over and caught a faint whiff, but then it was over.

I am annoyed this morning for several reasons. First, I am tired. Second, I am annoyed that in my dream I was following him around waiting for something that wasn't likely to happen. It was an interesting dream otherwise. Third, when I am tired, I am grumpy. I don't want to be grumpy, so instead of spending my commute to work trying to analyze the dream, I am going to think about all of the other people I have known who smelled good.

Starting with my dad, who always smelled like work and outdoors, in a good way. And Brent H, who usually smelled of Polo, even when he was sweaty :)