I am not a Pisces

I am not a Pisces - the phrase that keeps coming to mind as I grow more and more annoyed with my boss. A couple of weeks ago we were snickering at the news of a possible 13th zodiac sign. She felt pretty strongly that she was a Pisces no matter what anyone else said, and went on to list her defining character traits. Not being a horoscope fanatic, I had to take her word for it that some of her most annoying personality characteristics can be chalked up to her zodiac sign.

Since the beginning of the year I have been trying to figure out how to talk to her about some changes I would like to make to my job. Turns out maybe it's not that she is crap at management and that I'm not good at explaining clearly why I am frustrated. Maybe I just haven't picked a day that was good for both of us, according to our respective horoscopes.

Monday

Had a crazy dream. Best I could tell it took place in a whorehouse made from a converted barn or barracks of some sort, attached to a diner. Both had a very family-like cast of characters, except for one chick who seemed to think I had gotten her room. Couldn't have been that great - I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to leave, only to keep entering the diner again. Lest anyone think this was some kind of erotic dream, it was most definitely not. The most memorable thing that happened was when some guy tried to cut down a tree in the back yard and it took out the trampoline. I have no idea what it all means.

Weekend was OK. Weather was great. Accomplished nothing but had a nice time with my kids. Back to dreary and dull today. Will probably get to hear all about Dan's "wake" whether I care to or not. Need more coffee.

Bad News/Good News

My laptop is officially dead :-( The good news is that the hard drive is OK, and my files can be retrieved. That would be great if I had created or saved anything useful other than a lot of pictures of my kids.

Other than trying to write, I could definitely stand less computer time.The trick to that is finding something else to do. I am still so tired of FB, TV, etc. but I am reading a ton, which helps me sleep. I still have plenty of assorted things I should be doing around the house, but I do not have any big consuming distraction right now. The good news is that spring will be here soon, and I will suddenly have more going on than I can keep up with. Just gotta get through February.

I did not get the job I applied for. It was a long shot anyway, but the good news is that now I have an updated resume and I am putting together a really great electronic portfolio.

Life is mostly OK. Business is good, kids are great (B is going to Space Camp in May!), I have some ideas for future posts if I get a chance, and the weatherman assures me these few days are going to be the best I have had this year :-)

No Joke

Weird. I was searching through my email folders looking for funny mail I wanted to share when I came across an old email from Him. I thought I had deleted all of those, but I was wrong. Of course I can't concentrate after reading it, but not for the reason I would have expected. It's not because I have some plethora of thoughts or emotions to sort through, but the exact opposite. I am trying hard to discern any specific feeling at all and I can't. I'm not sure if this should make me relieved, or glad, or sad, or what. And I still need a joke for my meeting.

Choices

This past weekend marked the anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision. My Yahoo and FB accounts were filled with pro-life and pro-choice messages and links. I ignored all of them, my personal feelings on the matter having already been decided.

The increased talk around the subject made me think of something that happened a long time ago. I was dating a guy who didn't believe in using birth control. If I wanted it, I would have to be responsible for it. So I made an appointment and went to the clinic. It was all very routine, if a bit depressing (I went alone. I had to walk). I got an exam, and a supply of birth control pills. I was to wait until my next period, then start the pills on the next Sunday. Guess who didn't want to participate?

For the next two weeks, I sweated it out. I thought through every possible scenario, from having a baby to not having a baby, to staying in school, to how to tell my parents. I did not mention any of it to my friends or my guy, for several reasons. I did a lot of tossing and turning, and was ready to make another appointment, when the guest of honor finally showed up.

I can't remember how I felt, although I am sure I was tremendously relieved. I just know that I started taking those pills the first chance I got, and I didn't quit for a very long time, through that loser and every guy afterward. And I never forgot, for good or for bad, right or wrong, how it felt to have a choice, and how it felt not to have to make it.

Untitled

It's probably a good thing a person cannot literally be bored to death, because I would be that person by now. Facebook - boring to the point of being annoying. Football - boring. Family - boring. TV - boring. Current events - boring. Work - not boring, but only because I am working on something that will probably never see the light of day. Life in general - BORING.

Seriously, the most interesting things that have happened lately are writers group (now to stay motivated), learning sign language for "chocolate" (useful!), and tracking down the lyrics to a Dr. Seuss song.

A nap is looking good, but I must get back to work.

Oh Henrie, Part 2

Got a friend request from Brent, and heard this song on the same day. Interesting coincidence and a good reason to post a favorite cheesy song :)

What to Call This?

Wow, like a whole week without posting. The main reason I haven't posted is because my computer has been acting stupid. I could have posted from work, but I have actually been occupied. The other reason I haven't posted, and why I am sort of glad I didn't, is because I mainly had whiny loser thoughts. Today is better though:

It's still cold as hell, but the sun is out. Have I mentioned that the only thing worse than August in Arkansas is January and February?
My computer is on the way to at least be looked at.
I just submitted a resume for a new job that sounds really interesting.
I got a new camera, which I hope to have time to play around with this weekend.
The most distracting thoughts I have right now are caused by trying to recall the details of a caffeine-fueled interesting dream, plotting for a day at the races and wondering why it has been so long since anyone heard from Eric.
And I am on my way to get my weekly Chinese fix.

Good Weekend

The Truth According to Elmo

OK, so I didn't tell the whole truth. The infamous Him once asked me if I had talked to anyone about us and I just told him not exactly. The truth is that a few people in Chat Room # Whatever probably heard more of the whole story than any of my friends. When people asked me what I was up to, I just said I was bored because my usual late-night chat buddy was busy. You know, with his wife. A few people asked questions, but nobody really seemed surprised by the story. I got a few offers to go private or web chat, but that wasn't really what I was looking for. Neither was the advice on how to turn those late night chats into "sexting" (interesting thought, advice less necessary than reciprocal interest). I did chat with a couple of them at other times, but I haven't talked to either of them again since I quit logging in to Yahoo Messenger last summer.

Mainly I am an old-school girl, not really into icky chat rooms, content enough with tickling Elmo to one of a handful of standard fantasies that didn't include creeps and married men I met online. One of these fantasies was based on my memories of Him from years ago. One was based on what might happen if we ever met up again. Suffice it to say that both of those fantasies, along with a couple of others, have been royally f***ed up, and not in a good way.

I could get all philosophical about how fantasizing about some guy from college is not very healthy. I could get bummed that I didn't/don't have more memorable-in-a-good-way sexual experiences. I could be cerebral and explain why having a fantasy in my head actually makes the act of self-pleasure less pathetic. But the truth is, I get annoyed. That's because aside from all of the uninvited "feelings" and crazy emotional crap he left me to sort out, he still manages to intrude into my most private thoughts when it is least convenient. I get annoyed because something basic and basically enjoyable now requires too much thought. Yes, I get annoyed because the old fantasies don't work anymore, and I haven't found a suitable replacement.

I could point out that it doesn't mean Elmo and I won't keep working on it :-)

These Boots

I tried several times to get a good picture of my boots, but with no success. Crazy, but the thought that kept going through my mind today was HOW MUCH I TOTALLY LOVE THESE BOOTS!!! So I had a moderately productive day, and in spite of the fact that it is probably going to be a loooong weekend with plenty to gripe about, I am ending this day by saying that I totally rocked the CFM boots :-)

Move On

Who really cares if the president wears flip flops? He was f***ing born in Hawaii, you crazy birthers.

Don Tyson dies. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and Willie Nelson are among the honorary pallbearers.

In an effort to get Lady Antebellum out of my head (why is that song suddenly all over the radio again?), I ended up listening to this song all day:

Jerry

For some reason I can't remember, Jerry, Todd R and I decided to go to Stillwater on a Thursday night. So they pick me up, we make the rounds, and we head that way. (I will tell the story of the engagement ring separately).

When we finally get there, we go straight to this ginormous country place outside of town. We drink cheap beer and Jerry tries to teach me to line dance. After a couple of hours, we go back into town to hit the strip. We are just pulling into town and looking for a place to park when we get pulled over. T and I stay in the car, but we can see and hear the whole thing. I think the cop was about to let him go when Jerry had to go and open his mouth. Not good. The cop had him wrapped up pretty fast after that so we got out of the car.

He told us he was taking Jerry in and asked us a few questions. Then he told us we were free to go, but he wouldn't let us have the keys to the truck, which was going to be impounded. Free to go - yay. On foot. In a place where we knew a bunch of people, but only if we could find them - oh boy.

So T and head toward the strip. It didn't take us too long before we ran into people we knew. We hung out a bit, but the evening had effectively come to end. We just weren't sure how to wrap it up. Finally we ran into Heidi, who knew someone with an apartment she wasn't using.

She let us in, but we didn't have a key. That meant that first thing next morning, I stayed there while T went up to the corner to use the phone and bring back donuts. He had gotten in touch with Gina, who would come pick us up. (Gina went to OSU, but came home to Tulsa on the weekends. She was also best friends with Toni, Todd's ex.) She took us to her place to hang out until she finished with classes. While we were there, we called around to figure out what to do about Jerry. We also had to call our boss to tell him we might be late for work that night. This was a bit tricky since all four of us worked together, and our boss happened to be dating Jerry's sister.

Finally Gina was done and we went to pick up Jerry. On the way out of town we stopped to check on Jerry's truck, then we all headed back to Tulsa. We showed up for work just as the Friday night rush was beginning, so we had to wait until the end of the night to tell our tale. For T, Gina and I it was pretty much a funny story that had already happened. Jerry had to go back for court, but it turned out to not be too awful. The cop had really only taken him in because he was irritated.

The goofy small-town cop wanted to make a point, so Jerry spent the night in jail and turned two semi-sober strangers loose. Brilliant. But to make my own point, I will say that Jerry is the only person for whom I have ever posted bail :-) He was many things, but irritating was not one of them!

Speed

So as I've said before, I took speed sometimes in college. Lying in bed unable to sleep last night, I remembered the two events that made me decide to quit doing it.

The first thing that happened was a spectacular crash. I was off work as a pizza cook, but I was hanging around talking to one of the drivers. So as to stay out of the way, I climbed up on a pallet of flour. The manager found me a little while later, fast asleep in the middle of a Friday night rush. Apparently Paul's turn had come around and he just left me there. The boss sent me home immediately.

The second thing that happened was scarier. It had been a really stressful week and I had been working more than normal. When I got off work, I went straight home and went to sleep, about six in the evening. I had a dream that orders were coming in crazy fast, and I was starting to get stressed. I was a great pizza maker, fast and accurate even when we were extremely busy. The problem was that I couldn't find the printer. I was cursing the drivers, who I thought must have hidden it from me as a prank. Eventually I fell asleep, and stayed asleep until my boyfriend got home. When he walked in, he did the classic "WTH happened here?" I looked around and it all came back.

I had torn the apartment apart, looking for the stupid printer! Books off the shelves, cushions off the couch, the works. It looked like when an apartment gets tossed in the movies. Fortunately, I didn't have a lot in the way of possessions so it didn't take long to clean up. It also didn't take a lot to decide that was the last time I would do speed.

So why was I lying awake last night? Not sure. It certainly wasn't because that stupid Sugar Bowl game was very stimulating. The first half flew by, I napped during the third quarter, and I woke to see that when things had finally gotten interesting, it was too late.

Thoughts

Random Thoughts:

John Elway hired to manage operations for the Denver Broncos? Hmmm
Planning to watch the Sugar Bowl tonight. I have no idea if they are contenders or not, but if they win or even just play a good game, it will be the second most talked about event so far this year.
Still trying to figure out if I am willing to wear the perfume I got for Christmas. I was assured it smelled nice, as if I would know the difference LOL
And I know I said I wasn't going to make any resolutions, but I am going to commit to a couple of goals for the coming year. The list so far includes:

An actual exercise plan. It would be great to delay knee surgery, or at least speed up the recovery if it does come to that.
Better discipline on the writing thing. I am also still on the lookout for a writing partner.
Decide what I want from my job and go about getting it.
Set some specific spiritual goals. Not sure yet about how to phrase it, but will probably be a post of its own.
Reach out more and quit preemptively rejecting people before they reject me or clinging to the few who are as screwed up as I am.

Private Thoughts

With that last sentence, I have to say that the last time I truly reached out to someone it came back to bite me. I sort of withdrew into myself for awhile, and threw myself into work, church and family. That's all well and good, but it's time to quit acting pathetic about my life and do something to either change it or change the way I think about it. I am not sure yet how that will change the frequency or tone of this blog. I would like to be too busy to blog, or write only the kinds of things that would attract enough readers to make it something more than a personal matter. Anyways, in case it comes to the need to separate my truly private thoughts from those I can share somewhat, I have created a secure page for the stuff I don't have to edit or spin before posting. Secretly hoping it amounts to nothing more than a collections of thoughts and ideas I can turn into erotica fiction instead of dwelling on :-)

Blackbirds, Updated

Ha ha ha. I played hooky from work today to go to Memphis. Even people there were asking about the bird incident, as was a friend from OK. The CNN van was still in town this evening, so when I got home I looked to see if there was anything new to report.

Long story short, they still think it was some kind of trauma as a result of the birds being startled by fireworks and cannon fire. They went on to say that some birds had been sent to another lab for additional testing,but they thought they could rule out poisoning, as well as the weather.

I had to read it twice though. I find the trauma explanation as reasonable as the weather explanation, but I am still cracking up that they mentioned cannon fire and no one seemed to think that part was odd at all. People were quoted as saying it was unlike anything they had ever seen before, possibly a sign of the end times, and what not, but not a single person (besides me?) thought the fact that someone had shot off a freaking cannon was strange.

Blackbirds

The most interesting thing to happen so far this year:

BEEBE, AR  – Ringing in the New Year took on a different meaning for the citizens of Beebe. Beginning at around 11:30pm, enforcement officers with Arkansas Game and Fish Commission began getting reports of dead black birds falling from the sky in the city limits of Beebe.

Dick Baxter with the Game and Fish Commission estimates that 2000-2500 birds fell out of the sky over the city. Most of the birds were dead, but some were still alive when officers arrived. Three different types of blackbirds fell over a one-mile area in the city.

AGFC wildlife officer Robby King responded to the reports and found hundreds of birds.

“Shortly after I arrived there were still birds falling from the sky,” King said.

King collected about 65 dead birds that will be sent to the Arkansas Livestock and Poultry Commission lab and the National Wildlife Health Center lab in Madison, Wis.

The AGFC has flown over the area to gauge the scope of the event. There were no other birds found outside of the initial area.

AGFC ornithologist Karen Rowe said that strange events similar to this one have occurred a number of times around the world.

“Test results usually were inconclusive, but the birds showed physical trauma and that the flock could have been hit by lightning or high-altitude hail,” Rowe said.

Another scenario may have been that New Year’s Eve revelers shooting off fireworks in the area may have startled the birds from their roost. The birds may have died from stress.

Rowe said that it didn’t appear as though the birds died of any poisoning or other event.

“Since it only involved a flock of blackbirds and only involved them falling out of the sky it is unlikely they were poisoned, but a necropsy is the only way to determine if the birds died from trauma or toxin,” she said.

Testing will begin on Monday.

The City of Beebe has hired U.S. Environmental Services to begin the cleanup and dispose of the dead birds. The environmental firm will go door-to-door to pick up the birds that are still in yards and on roof tops. Residents are urged not to touch the birds without wearing rubber gloves.