The Truth According to Elmo

OK, so I didn't tell the whole truth. The infamous Him once asked me if I had talked to anyone about us and I just told him not exactly. The truth is that a few people in Chat Room # Whatever probably heard more of the whole story than any of my friends. When people asked me what I was up to, I just said I was bored because my usual late-night chat buddy was busy. You know, with his wife. A few people asked questions, but nobody really seemed surprised by the story. I got a few offers to go private or web chat, but that wasn't really what I was looking for. Neither was the advice on how to turn those late night chats into "sexting" (interesting thought, advice less necessary than reciprocal interest). I did chat with a couple of them at other times, but I haven't talked to either of them again since I quit logging in to Yahoo Messenger last summer.

Mainly I am an old-school girl, not really into icky chat rooms, content enough with tickling Elmo to one of a handful of standard fantasies that didn't include creeps and married men I met online. One of these fantasies was based on my memories of Him from years ago. One was based on what might happen if we ever met up again. Suffice it to say that both of those fantasies, along with a couple of others, have been royally f***ed up, and not in a good way.

I could get all philosophical about how fantasizing about some guy from college is not very healthy. I could get bummed that I didn't/don't have more memorable-in-a-good-way sexual experiences. I could be cerebral and explain why having a fantasy in my head actually makes the act of self-pleasure less pathetic. But the truth is, I get annoyed. That's because aside from all of the uninvited "feelings" and crazy emotional crap he left me to sort out, he still manages to intrude into my most private thoughts when it is least convenient. I get annoyed because something basic and basically enjoyable now requires too much thought. Yes, I get annoyed because the old fantasies don't work anymore, and I haven't found a suitable replacement.

I could point out that it doesn't mean Elmo and I won't keep working on it :-)