I wasn't planning to write any big important end-of-the-year post, but I do have this...
~ It's actually a great day outside (tornado watch notwithstanding).
~ My horoscope for the new year looks good. I don't normally pay attention to stuff like that, but I woke up with the feeling that 2011 was going to be my year, and this "confirmed" it.
~ I am feeling more positive and in control today. Will try to hold on to those feelings.
~ I have a plan. Even when I don't stick to it, I always feel better having one.
And I have tasks to check off, which will make it feel as if I had a productive today. So a bit early, before I get sidetracked, goodbye to all of the things that distracted, depressed and drained me in 2010. Hello new things to do and dream about.
December 31, 2010
December 30, 2010
End of the Day
And this is what I am left with:
We may be buying the Miata back!
The high tomorrow is supposed to be 71. "Unseasonably warm with a chance of severe storms" is a way of covering their butts if we get a tornado, which has been known to happen in January, if not December.
The fortune was lame, but at least I got one. Last time the cookie was empty. Don't want to know if that is supposed to mean something or not.
And f***ing traitorous knees. The right one (the one that has not most recently been worked on) is killing me for no apparent reason, which probably means it's time to have it scoped again. You heard it here first-bet I have another surgery before the next year is out.
We may be buying the Miata back!
The high tomorrow is supposed to be 71. "Unseasonably warm with a chance of severe storms" is a way of covering their butts if we get a tornado, which has been known to happen in January, if not December.
The fortune was lame, but at least I got one. Last time the cookie was empty. Don't want to know if that is supposed to mean something or not.
And f***ing traitorous knees. The right one (the one that has not most recently been worked on) is killing me for no apparent reason, which probably means it's time to have it scoped again. You heard it here first-bet I have another surgery before the next year is out.
December 29, 2010
Songs of the Day
This one because I haven't heard it in awhile:
And this one because it fits the day:
And this one because it fits the day:
December 28, 2010
The Rule of Four
This post is a bit outdated, but I am going to write it anyway so that the one currently in my head will make more sense when I get around to writing it.
When I had the twins, I read or heard from more than one source that a lot of the chaos would settle down after four months. At the time I laughed. Not because I didn't think the chaos would settle down, but because four months seemed kind of arbitrary, not like one or two, or even three or six. Then one day I made it to work sort of on time, in clothes that didn't have spit up down the back, with my hair in something other than a knot. Someone asked me how old the twins were and as I stopped to calculate, I was surprised to find that they were almost exactly four months old. Sure enough, the chaos had settled down as predicted, right on schedule and with little fanfare.
Awhile back, I found myself changing what had become a daily habit of compulsively checking for signs of Him. At first I had to consciously allow myself to check only once a day, until one day I was surprised to find that I had skipped a day without noticing. The next time, I had to consciously go through the routine, as if it was more of a chore to be checked off. A quick calculation told me that it had been about four months since I had last heard from him. I am not a believer in signs, or fate, but even I could see the time had come to move on. Since then, I have have only looked in the old places if something has prompted me, with no specific feelings about the matter.
A couple of weeks later I was pondering this "rule of four" and did some more math. It had been about four months since L officially began working for himself again. I tried to think of any big milestone that had been reached. I got my answer a couple of days later when in the course of discussing the business L reported that he had paid a large bill from the working account, not from the original investment. It will be awhile before the business is actually making a profit, but four months in and we are not borrowing faster than we are earning. Looking ahead four more months, it will not only be what passes for spring in the south, it will also be much nicer for working outdoors for awhile. Maybe not a milestone, but the thought of settling into a predictable routine is good right now.
I doubt the rule of four applies to everything, or surely I would have heard of it before? Nevertheless, I am grateful when it does work, and hope the next bit of chaos is a long way away before I have to test the rule again.
When I had the twins, I read or heard from more than one source that a lot of the chaos would settle down after four months. At the time I laughed. Not because I didn't think the chaos would settle down, but because four months seemed kind of arbitrary, not like one or two, or even three or six. Then one day I made it to work sort of on time, in clothes that didn't have spit up down the back, with my hair in something other than a knot. Someone asked me how old the twins were and as I stopped to calculate, I was surprised to find that they were almost exactly four months old. Sure enough, the chaos had settled down as predicted, right on schedule and with little fanfare.
Awhile back, I found myself changing what had become a daily habit of compulsively checking for signs of Him. At first I had to consciously allow myself to check only once a day, until one day I was surprised to find that I had skipped a day without noticing. The next time, I had to consciously go through the routine, as if it was more of a chore to be checked off. A quick calculation told me that it had been about four months since I had last heard from him. I am not a believer in signs, or fate, but even I could see the time had come to move on. Since then, I have have only looked in the old places if something has prompted me, with no specific feelings about the matter.
A couple of weeks later I was pondering this "rule of four" and did some more math. It had been about four months since L officially began working for himself again. I tried to think of any big milestone that had been reached. I got my answer a couple of days later when in the course of discussing the business L reported that he had paid a large bill from the working account, not from the original investment. It will be awhile before the business is actually making a profit, but four months in and we are not borrowing faster than we are earning. Looking ahead four more months, it will not only be what passes for spring in the south, it will also be much nicer for working outdoors for awhile. Maybe not a milestone, but the thought of settling into a predictable routine is good right now.
I doubt the rule of four applies to everything, or surely I would have heard of it before? Nevertheless, I am grateful when it does work, and hope the next bit of chaos is a long way away before I have to test the rule again.
December 20, 2010
Christmas Nuts
Got to work today and the parking lot was only partially full. No surprise, but oddly enough two, yes two people managed to annoy me. Fortunately, the first guy had breakaway mirrors, so when I left I just folded his mirror in and got in my van anyway :-) The second guy had taken it upon himself to direct traffic. At first I thought he was just standing in the way while waiting on someone else. Turns out he was "holding" a spot for someone else. After they pulled in, he kindly took a tiny step sideways and motioned for me to go around. At least that's what it looked like in my rear view mirror :-)
An another note, Pejo got fixed today. For somebody who got his boy parts snipped, he was remarkably hyper when I picked him up. Probably just because he was glad to leave the mad house that is our vet's office.
Starting to feel sort of festive finally, which is good, considering Christmas is almost here. Going to pick up the last two chairs to go with my new-ish dining set tomorrow, and kids will be home. Then everything will be a different kind of crazy for a while.
An another note, Pejo got fixed today. For somebody who got his boy parts snipped, he was remarkably hyper when I picked him up. Probably just because he was glad to leave the mad house that is our vet's office.
Starting to feel sort of festive finally, which is good, considering Christmas is almost here. Going to pick up the last two chairs to go with my new-ish dining set tomorrow, and kids will be home. Then everything will be a different kind of crazy for a while.
December 11, 2010
Maintenance
I asked a guy I dated for some time in college if he considered me "high maintenance". He pointed out that we had more of a long distance relationship, seeing each other mostly on weekends and occasionally during the week. He was right. Once our schedule was such that we saw each other every day, we didn't last very long. It wasn't that we didn't like each other anymore. We just didn't need each other full-time.
Thinking about it now, I still don't think I am high maintenance. I am more just a regular maintenance kind of girl. Now if I only knew a reliable maintenance man :-)
Thinking about it now, I still don't think I am high maintenance. I am more just a regular maintenance kind of girl. Now if I only knew a reliable maintenance man :-)
December 10, 2010
Today's Numbers
50 - the high temperature today
30 - what it felt like
8 - the number of pockets I have searched for my misplaced debit card
6- the number of appointments I have scheduled for the next 2 months
4 - the average age of the two family members who have not antagonized me today
2 - the number of people I inadvertently antagonized
1 - the number of people I inadvertently antagonized who called me on it
1 - the number of people I purposely antagonized :-)
? - the number of people I probably antagonized without even realizing it, or antagonized and could not care less about
and finally...
2 4 - the number of ounces of alcohol I put in my cup when no one was looking :-)
30 - what it felt like
8 - the number of pockets I have searched for my misplaced debit card
6- the number of appointments I have scheduled for the next 2 months
4 - the average age of the two family members who have not antagonized me today
2 - the number of people I inadvertently antagonized
1 - the number of people I inadvertently antagonized who called me on it
1 - the number of people I purposely antagonized :-)
? - the number of people I probably antagonized without even realizing it, or antagonized and could not care less about
and finally...
December 9, 2010
Dave
Not sure why, but I was reminded of him today.
In my freshman year of college, I knew a guy named Dave. When school let out for the summer, I stuck around for summer school. He was from there and happened to know the friend I was staying with for a few weeks. We went out a few times, but the most memorable evening was not what I would call a date.
Dave was a pretty talented artist. His portfolio consisted mainly of snapshots of his work, which turned out to be mostly graffiti. One night he asked if I wanted to go with him and another friend. It was pretty much as you'd imagine, the three of us dressed in black, Dave with a backpack full of supplies. Andy's job was to listen for police cruisers while Dave worked. After a few amateur attempts, I just hung back and watched. He really was amazing.
He showed me some other stuff he had done too, in a studio on campus. It was traditional painting, and it was also very good. Then I found out that he didn't really have access to the building, but had been climbing in through the window.
After I moved into an apartment, I didn't see him any more. But later that summer, someone caused an explosion in the art building. I worked in the PR office, so we were responsible for making some kind of statement about the situation. When I found out Dave had been arrested, I let slip that I knew him. My bosses wanted to know if I would like to make a statement, but I did not.
I wasn't really surprised that Dave had been trying to make a pipe bomb that accidentally exploded. But I was mad that someone with that much talent wasn't using it better. I would have given anything to have half the talent he had. I would try looking him up, but a) I can't remember his last name, and b) I suspect he doesn't want to be found.
In my freshman year of college, I knew a guy named Dave. When school let out for the summer, I stuck around for summer school. He was from there and happened to know the friend I was staying with for a few weeks. We went out a few times, but the most memorable evening was not what I would call a date.
Dave was a pretty talented artist. His portfolio consisted mainly of snapshots of his work, which turned out to be mostly graffiti. One night he asked if I wanted to go with him and another friend. It was pretty much as you'd imagine, the three of us dressed in black, Dave with a backpack full of supplies. Andy's job was to listen for police cruisers while Dave worked. After a few amateur attempts, I just hung back and watched. He really was amazing.
He showed me some other stuff he had done too, in a studio on campus. It was traditional painting, and it was also very good. Then I found out that he didn't really have access to the building, but had been climbing in through the window.
After I moved into an apartment, I didn't see him any more. But later that summer, someone caused an explosion in the art building. I worked in the PR office, so we were responsible for making some kind of statement about the situation. When I found out Dave had been arrested, I let slip that I knew him. My bosses wanted to know if I would like to make a statement, but I did not.
I wasn't really surprised that Dave had been trying to make a pipe bomb that accidentally exploded. But I was mad that someone with that much talent wasn't using it better. I would have given anything to have half the talent he had. I would try looking him up, but a) I can't remember his last name, and b) I suspect he doesn't want to be found.
Just Being Myself
Just came from giving blood. I don't usually leave there feeling bad exactly, but it's also not like I go there expecting to have fun. Maybe because I have kind of a couldn't give a crap attitude today, or maybe because the staff was so nice, or maybe just because it was a slow day at the lab, I actually had a good time.
The check-in took forever because the tech and I were talking about all sorts of stuff. Then she stood and talked to me through the whole donation process, which she didn't have to do. I thought I might get to read the Times while I sat in the lounge afterward, but some other tech came over and started talking to me about donating platelets. I agreed to give it a try. He came back flipping though a binder and apologized for his old-fashioned appointment book. This reminded me of something funny that happened in New Orleans so I told him about it. It went something like this:
Guy next to me at bar (who has already annoyed both me and the bartender): Do you know where X is?
Me: Sort of. Let me show you. (I proceed to get out my handy-dandy map and the guy sort of snickers.) Yeah, I'm a low-tech girl.
Guy, as he pokes at his iPhone: Well, I'm a high-tech guy.
Me: Then you shouldn't have any trouble finding it (under my breath "tool")
The Red Cross tech laughs and makes the comment that he thinks I am going to fit in just fine around there.
The whole drive back, I am thinking to myself that I just made two strangers laugh and got an invitation to come back. Granted, they don't want me back for eight weeks and they probably only want me for my blood, but it did feel good, just being myself again for a little while.
The check-in took forever because the tech and I were talking about all sorts of stuff. Then she stood and talked to me through the whole donation process, which she didn't have to do. I thought I might get to read the Times while I sat in the lounge afterward, but some other tech came over and started talking to me about donating platelets. I agreed to give it a try. He came back flipping though a binder and apologized for his old-fashioned appointment book. This reminded me of something funny that happened in New Orleans so I told him about it. It went something like this:
Guy next to me at bar (who has already annoyed both me and the bartender): Do you know where X is?
Me: Sort of. Let me show you. (I proceed to get out my handy-dandy map and the guy sort of snickers.) Yeah, I'm a low-tech girl.
Guy, as he pokes at his iPhone: Well, I'm a high-tech guy.
Me: Then you shouldn't have any trouble finding it (under my breath "tool")
The Red Cross tech laughs and makes the comment that he thinks I am going to fit in just fine around there.
The whole drive back, I am thinking to myself that I just made two strangers laugh and got an invitation to come back. Granted, they don't want me back for eight weeks and they probably only want me for my blood, but it did feel good, just being myself again for a little while.
December 7, 2010
Opinions, I Got 'Em
Yeah, I have opinions about all sorts of things - books, TV, sports, relationships, pop culture, politics, religion, the environment and many other social issues. Problem is, I don't have time to write a well-researched, well-reasoned, well-written post, which is ideally the kind I would want to write.
A great way to develop my thoughts on a topic is by talking about it with someone. Problem is, I don't really have that someone. I have family, and coworkers, and acquaintances with whom I have one or two things in common, but no real friends. Circumstances are such that I don't really have a social life, which really sucks. I wasn't really sitting around feeling sorry for myself about it until the other day though.
An online community I belong to had Wish List Weekend, where members could post their holiday wish lists. When I finally got around to reading them, I had quite a few stored up. In retrospect, this was not a very good idea, as reading all of them in one sitting made for some pretty sad reading. Some of the posts were funny, some were very genuine, some poignant, some downright pathetic.
One of the most unique was from a young woman whose wish was for a friend. My first thought when I read it was "Me too", then some disappointment that I couldn't offer to be her friend in any way other than online. I have been thinking about her post a lot. I think it takes a lot of self-awareness and courage to know what you need and to not be afraid to ask or look for it.
The new year is coming up. While I am not big on resolutions I have been thinking about changes I would like to make, things I would like to take on, etc. and I have a pretty good idea of what those things are. They include the usual, like exercising more, managing my time better, and to continue writing in various forums. They also include two new ones. They are things I know I can and should do. They things that will have nice benefits if I can follow through. They are things that will require me to listen to and accept opinions I may not share.
Wish me luck :-)
A great way to develop my thoughts on a topic is by talking about it with someone. Problem is, I don't really have that someone. I have family, and coworkers, and acquaintances with whom I have one or two things in common, but no real friends. Circumstances are such that I don't really have a social life, which really sucks. I wasn't really sitting around feeling sorry for myself about it until the other day though.
An online community I belong to had Wish List Weekend, where members could post their holiday wish lists. When I finally got around to reading them, I had quite a few stored up. In retrospect, this was not a very good idea, as reading all of them in one sitting made for some pretty sad reading. Some of the posts were funny, some were very genuine, some poignant, some downright pathetic.
One of the most unique was from a young woman whose wish was for a friend. My first thought when I read it was "Me too", then some disappointment that I couldn't offer to be her friend in any way other than online. I have been thinking about her post a lot. I think it takes a lot of self-awareness and courage to know what you need and to not be afraid to ask or look for it.
The new year is coming up. While I am not big on resolutions I have been thinking about changes I would like to make, things I would like to take on, etc. and I have a pretty good idea of what those things are. They include the usual, like exercising more, managing my time better, and to continue writing in various forums. They also include two new ones. They are things I know I can and should do. They things that will have nice benefits if I can follow through. They are things that will require me to listen to and accept opinions I may not share.
Wish me luck :-)
December 6, 2010
Minor Chips and Cracks
I dreamt I got a manicure. At a bar. From a woman my dad knew. It turned out surprisingly well, all things considered.
Other than the odd dream, I slept OK. I used to think I didn't sleep well when I was preoccupied with things. Now I think I sleep to avoid things I don't want to deal with. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of maintaining some sense of normalcy. Something that happened yesterday made me realize I am closer to the breaking point than I maybe realized.
I did that thing I REALLY HATE, where I got emotional in front of someone when I would have preferred to keep the conversation less personal. More annoying, I felt the need to apologize even though she was the one who kept poking into my business.
Then I went home, where I went to bed at the first possible minute and slept the sleep of someone who prefers dreams to reality.
Other than the odd dream, I slept OK. I used to think I didn't sleep well when I was preoccupied with things. Now I think I sleep to avoid things I don't want to deal with. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of maintaining some sense of normalcy. Something that happened yesterday made me realize I am closer to the breaking point than I maybe realized.
I did that thing I REALLY HATE, where I got emotional in front of someone when I would have preferred to keep the conversation less personal. More annoying, I felt the need to apologize even though she was the one who kept poking into my business.
Then I went home, where I went to bed at the first possible minute and slept the sleep of someone who prefers dreams to reality.
December 4, 2010
Blank
Can't think of the word I want to describe this song. Sure I will eventually, as I just keep listening to it over and over again.
December 2, 2010
List of Random Stuff
Stuff that has made me moderately annoyed lately:
my new debit card
the price of gas
John E
that Ginger lady
how sometimes I automatically type in the password I had for like 7 years, before some crazy b*tch hijacked my Facebook account and made me have to change all of my settings and passwords
out of towners
the dog
static electricity
people who mistake FB for twitter and post every freakin' half-thought they have
and for some reason, this
Stuff that has made life moderately better lately:
Russell
ladybugs
lunch with L
good dreams
the cat
meeting with Bishop
thanks to the guv and the budget, I will be getting a cost of living adjustment after all (ignore the fact that it probably amounts to less than ten bucks a pay check)
friends who post interesting stuff so I don't have to go looking for it
my new debit card
the price of gas
John E
that Ginger lady
how sometimes I automatically type in the password I had for like 7 years, before some crazy b*tch hijacked my Facebook account and made me have to change all of my settings and passwords
out of towners
the dog
static electricity
people who mistake FB for twitter and post every freakin' half-thought they have
and for some reason, this
Stuff that has made life moderately better lately:
Russell
ladybugs
lunch with L
good dreams
the cat
meeting with Bishop
thanks to the guv and the budget, I will be getting a cost of living adjustment after all (ignore the fact that it probably amounts to less than ten bucks a pay check)
friends who post interesting stuff so I don't have to go looking for it
Damn
A dream about a community where the only men were the delivery drivers and the work crew, then this. Hmmm...
December 1, 2010
Fascination
Just a few things with which I have a strange fascination:
web sites/blogs that make fun of other people
KY warming gel
finding the perfect lip balm
yard gnomes, especially the travelocity dude
my feet
Ireland and all things Irish
Barack Obama
Brett Favre
finding the perfect gumbo recipe
the dollar store
web sites/blogs that make fun of other people
KY warming gel
finding the perfect lip balm
yard gnomes, especially the travelocity dude
my feet
Ireland and all things Irish
Barack Obama
Brett Favre
finding the perfect gumbo recipe
the dollar store
November 29, 2010
Sucker Punched
Well, crap. I missed Him today like I haven't in a while. I was driving to work and had a thought that I would tell him something when I got to work, then just as quick realized that would not be possible. Between that, and being back to work after not working much at all for a couple of weeks, and crappy weather, and feeling BLAH in general, it was not my favorite kind of Monday at all.
November 19, 2010
Few Thoughts at All
Yep, no random thoughts, nor especially focused thoughts for that matter. I spent most of the week in New Orleans, which was fan-freaking-tastic, and took today off for no reason at all, which I almost never do. It also was pretty awesome. I cleared two movies off the DVR, did some prep for tomorrow's birthday(s), and mailed a voodoo doll to Him (wicked grin). Other than that, I did nothing at all, and life is good.
November 18, 2010
Bad Voodoo
So a friend and I used to hang around with a group of guys from the second floor of the dorm. They always seemed to have something going on, either in their suite or around town. Then one day one of them pissed us off. I really can't remember what happened, only that we were mad at him, and by association the others. I don't remember which one of us brought up the idea of a voodoo doll, but either way we took the idea and ran with it.
With limited resources, we used a box of birthday candles to make a tiny likeness of the offender. It bore a pretty good resemblance, down to the red shoes and the tiny stud in the ear. D said we were supposed to include something from the person on whom we wanted to work the voodoo. Somehow, she managed to snag some hair from a brush we were pretty sure was his. We sort of melted it onto the head of the doll. Then we held a little ceremony to christen the doll and bring some bad mojo down on the jerk.
After a few days with no results(?) we got a little bolder. One of us would hold the doll with a pin at the ready while the other one called and asked for him. When he answered, the signal would be given to stab the doll with the pin. After a couple of tries, he was still walking around in good health.
I guess we knew it wasn't going to work, but we sure didn't want anyone to know what we were up to either. D's roommate knew about the doll, but it didn't seem like a good idea to just leave it hanging around, so we took turns carrying it around in a little purse. More than once someone asked what was in the purse and we had to come up with a story. We finally admitted that it hadn't worked, but we still wanted him to know we thought he was acting like a prick, so we decided to send him a message.
We waited one evening until we knew he wasn't around, then D ran up and put the doll on his pillow. Then we hung around downstairs, trying to act normal. I was in the game room when I saw him stomp by, followed by T who looked at me with a WTF look. About five minutes later he stomped back the other direction. T came in to tell me about happened.
The guy had come in to discover the voodoo doll on his pillow, which needless to say freaked him out a little. He found D out on the front steps and waved it around in her face, yelling and acting tough. Then he broke the doll in half and tossed it in the bushes. T said he was personally was sort of laughing, but also sort of incredulous at what we had done. D was doing all she could do not to laugh at a big guy waving a tiny wax doll in her face and screaming "Do you think this is funny? Well do you?"
After that, we started hanging out with a couple of them again, or we came around when there was a happening of some kind, but the two of us didn't just hang out in their suite like we had before. It wasn't that we didn't feel welcome exactly. More like we didn't want to hang around with someone who could be such a jerk AND had such a crappy sense of humor.
With limited resources, we used a box of birthday candles to make a tiny likeness of the offender. It bore a pretty good resemblance, down to the red shoes and the tiny stud in the ear. D said we were supposed to include something from the person on whom we wanted to work the voodoo. Somehow, she managed to snag some hair from a brush we were pretty sure was his. We sort of melted it onto the head of the doll. Then we held a little ceremony to christen the doll and bring some bad mojo down on the jerk.
After a few days with no results(?) we got a little bolder. One of us would hold the doll with a pin at the ready while the other one called and asked for him. When he answered, the signal would be given to stab the doll with the pin. After a couple of tries, he was still walking around in good health.
I guess we knew it wasn't going to work, but we sure didn't want anyone to know what we were up to either. D's roommate knew about the doll, but it didn't seem like a good idea to just leave it hanging around, so we took turns carrying it around in a little purse. More than once someone asked what was in the purse and we had to come up with a story. We finally admitted that it hadn't worked, but we still wanted him to know we thought he was acting like a prick, so we decided to send him a message.
We waited one evening until we knew he wasn't around, then D ran up and put the doll on his pillow. Then we hung around downstairs, trying to act normal. I was in the game room when I saw him stomp by, followed by T who looked at me with a WTF look. About five minutes later he stomped back the other direction. T came in to tell me about happened.
The guy had come in to discover the voodoo doll on his pillow, which needless to say freaked him out a little. He found D out on the front steps and waved it around in her face, yelling and acting tough. Then he broke the doll in half and tossed it in the bushes. T said he was personally was sort of laughing, but also sort of incredulous at what we had done. D was doing all she could do not to laugh at a big guy waving a tiny wax doll in her face and screaming "Do you think this is funny? Well do you?"
After that, we started hanging out with a couple of them again, or we came around when there was a happening of some kind, but the two of us didn't just hang out in their suite like we had before. It wasn't that we didn't feel welcome exactly. More like we didn't want to hang around with someone who could be such a jerk AND had such a crappy sense of humor.
November 10, 2010
Appendicitis
When my brother was 13, he went hunting with my dad. After a couple of days, my dad had to bring him home because he didn't feel good. He kept complaining about his stomach hurting, but didn't have any other symptoms. My dad had to make a trip for supplies, so he brought P home even though the week wasn't over. His first day home he felt OK, but my mom made him an appointment anyway. The next day, she had to go to the airport to pick up a client, so my aunt took my brother to the doctor.
I got home after school to find my other aunt waiting for me. My brother was at the hospital with appendicitis, but they couldn't operate with parental consent. My dad was at hunting camp, and my mom was over an hour away at the airport. This was long before cell phones, so the only way to contact my mom was to call the airport and have them page her. I told her what was going on and she told me where to find a copy of the paper that the schools sends home giving them permission to take your kid to a doctor. My aunt and I left to go to the hospital, which was a thirty-minute drive of its own.
When we got there, my aunt pulled up at the entrance. I ran in waving the piece of paper and was met by a doctor who told us that we were just in time. He had made the decision to do the surgery anyway, without consent, and hope my parents were more appreciative then litigious.
Turns out my brother's appendix had been ruptured for several days. They removed it, but he would have to stay in the hospital until he healed. Because they had to literally pull out his other organs and clean them before putting them back, he had a big opening across his stomach instead of the usual one or two smaller openings. He ended up being there about two weeks to wait out any infection, then home for another week to gain strength and recover from pneumonia.
My mom had to change the dressing on his stomach a couple of times a day. In her typical thriftiness, she figured out that the $8 pads the hospital used were essentially the same as feminine hygiene products. I remember coming home and making fun of the fact that he had maxi-pad taped to his belly. I of course got the mom lecture about being nice to my brother, he was the only one I had, blah blah blah.
I don't remember ever feeling a lot of sympathy for my brother. He never required a lot, and my mom was always glad to baby him whether he needed it or not. But I did feel bad for him when he went through that. Two weeks in the hospital, feeling like crap, catching up at school. He even ended up having medical problems and additional surgery as an adult as a result of that.
Which is part of the reason I spent three hours at the ER last night, getting a pain in my stomach checked out. It had some of the symptoms of appendicitis, but turned out not to be. What is is (yes, it's still there), I have no idea. Too bad my mom doesn't have somelegal useful home remedy to avoid for paying for needless medical attention :(
I got home after school to find my other aunt waiting for me. My brother was at the hospital with appendicitis, but they couldn't operate with parental consent. My dad was at hunting camp, and my mom was over an hour away at the airport. This was long before cell phones, so the only way to contact my mom was to call the airport and have them page her. I told her what was going on and she told me where to find a copy of the paper that the schools sends home giving them permission to take your kid to a doctor. My aunt and I left to go to the hospital, which was a thirty-minute drive of its own.
When we got there, my aunt pulled up at the entrance. I ran in waving the piece of paper and was met by a doctor who told us that we were just in time. He had made the decision to do the surgery anyway, without consent, and hope my parents were more appreciative then litigious.
Turns out my brother's appendix had been ruptured for several days. They removed it, but he would have to stay in the hospital until he healed. Because they had to literally pull out his other organs and clean them before putting them back, he had a big opening across his stomach instead of the usual one or two smaller openings. He ended up being there about two weeks to wait out any infection, then home for another week to gain strength and recover from pneumonia.
My mom had to change the dressing on his stomach a couple of times a day. In her typical thriftiness, she figured out that the $8 pads the hospital used were essentially the same as feminine hygiene products. I remember coming home and making fun of the fact that he had maxi-pad taped to his belly. I of course got the mom lecture about being nice to my brother, he was the only one I had, blah blah blah.
I don't remember ever feeling a lot of sympathy for my brother. He never required a lot, and my mom was always glad to baby him whether he needed it or not. But I did feel bad for him when he went through that. Two weeks in the hospital, feeling like crap, catching up at school. He even ended up having medical problems and additional surgery as an adult as a result of that.
Which is part of the reason I spent three hours at the ER last night, getting a pain in my stomach checked out. It had some of the symptoms of appendicitis, but turned out not to be. What is is (yes, it's still there), I have no idea. Too bad my mom doesn't have some
November 7, 2010
Ellie and Bubba J - Chapter 3
I still think and write about him for two main reasons. The first is pretty straightforward. The other is pretty straightforward too, but more embarrassing? downright pitiful? to admit explain.
First, I just miss him. He will always be someone I just like and care about and enjoy being around. In fact, being around him was always so EASY. In college, I was still becoming the person I was going to be. With him, I never ever felt like I was anything but my genuine self. Bonus that he seemed to like me anyway. I don't remember ever feeling tense or anxious about us, or looking farther ahead than the next time I could see him. If I came around and he was gone, no worries. If he was there, great. Part of that was pretending I didn't know the end was coming, but also just because the present was always good. We had fun just hanging out. We didn't really make any demands of each other, or promises we couldn't keep, so there was no opportunity for disappointment. It was just so f***ing easy.
Fast forward to a time in life where nothing is that simple any more. And there he was, still the same in many ways, and still a great way to pass the time. Again, we spent a lot of time just talking and hanging out. Again, it was nice to know he wasn't too far away even if he wasn't right here. Again, I suspected the end would come eventually, which it did. So there's where the whole missing him thing comes in. I'll get tired of pouting about it and move on.
But what makes it so hard to do is that thing that makes me sound whiny and selfish and pathetic. It's that besides just missing him as a person and a friend, I miss having that easy thing in my life and I am not doing a very good job of filling the space left over.
See, he exited the picture right about the same time things went completely sideways for me. L lost his job. Life got busy with school and work. Things that would have been mere annoyances became monumental without two incomes, compounded by the fact that L kept some things from that he shouldn't have. Some things I used to do for fun and socialization, like my writer's group, have gotten put aside while L tries to get his new business up and running. I didn't go to the doctor when I should have and now I have a headache all of the time. None of these things are insurmountable, but I miss having someone to either talk to about these things or to distract me from them.
Instead, I am grumpy to people for what seems like no reason, because I can't begin to explain everything that is really bugging me. Or I latch onto complete strangers and behave like a socially inept stalker (sorry, you two). Yes, I have people who are willing to listen for a bit, but the lazy, greedy part of me wants back the person who knew all of it, from beginning to end, and was willing to listen anyway, or ask the right questions, or say the right things to take me in an entirely different direction for awhile.
The responsible, grown-up part of me knows that life will never be that simple again, and that sometimes I make things harder than they have to be. But certain other parts of me will always miss him, as a person and for the easy thing we were together.
to be continued...?
First, I just miss him. He will always be someone I just like and care about and enjoy being around. In fact, being around him was always so EASY. In college, I was still becoming the person I was going to be. With him, I never ever felt like I was anything but my genuine self. Bonus that he seemed to like me anyway. I don't remember ever feeling tense or anxious about us, or looking farther ahead than the next time I could see him. If I came around and he was gone, no worries. If he was there, great. Part of that was pretending I didn't know the end was coming, but also just because the present was always good. We had fun just hanging out. We didn't really make any demands of each other, or promises we couldn't keep, so there was no opportunity for disappointment. It was just so f***ing easy.
Fast forward to a time in life where nothing is that simple any more. And there he was, still the same in many ways, and still a great way to pass the time. Again, we spent a lot of time just talking and hanging out. Again, it was nice to know he wasn't too far away even if he wasn't right here. Again, I suspected the end would come eventually, which it did. So there's where the whole missing him thing comes in. I'll get tired of pouting about it and move on.
But what makes it so hard to do is that thing that makes me sound whiny and selfish and pathetic. It's that besides just missing him as a person and a friend, I miss having that easy thing in my life and I am not doing a very good job of filling the space left over.
See, he exited the picture right about the same time things went completely sideways for me. L lost his job. Life got busy with school and work. Things that would have been mere annoyances became monumental without two incomes, compounded by the fact that L kept some things from that he shouldn't have. Some things I used to do for fun and socialization, like my writer's group, have gotten put aside while L tries to get his new business up and running. I didn't go to the doctor when I should have and now I have a headache all of the time. None of these things are insurmountable, but I miss having someone to either talk to about these things or to distract me from them.
Instead, I am grumpy to people for what seems like no reason, because I can't begin to explain everything that is really bugging me. Or I latch onto complete strangers and behave like a socially inept stalker (sorry, you two). Yes, I have people who are willing to listen for a bit, but the lazy, greedy part of me wants back the person who knew all of it, from beginning to end, and was willing to listen anyway, or ask the right questions, or say the right things to take me in an entirely different direction for awhile.
The responsible, grown-up part of me knows that life will never be that simple again, and that sometimes I make things harder than they have to be. But certain other parts of me will always miss him, as a person and for the easy thing we were together.
to be continued...?
November 4, 2010
I Know It When I Hear It
When L and owned the restaurant, we were in a weird position. We were in our late 20s. Our employees were either the same age as our parents, or in high school. I never felt like any of them took us very seriously or thought we had a clue about anything.
One night after business had slowed down, Brian asked if he could turn up the radio. He was trying to score some tickets to an Ozzy Osbourne concert by calling in whenever they played an Ozzy song. (Side note: Brian played guitar and listened to many types of music, so he wasn't completely ignorant on this subject.) Sure enough, a while later a Black Sabbath song comes on the radio. At about the same time, L and I look up and over at Brian to see if it has registered. He looks back at us all "What?". We tell him to hurry up and go call before it's too late, but he shakes his head and says it's not Ozzy. We say we know, it's Black Sabbath, which was Ozzy's band, but he doesn't believe us. Of course by the time I decide that if he is going to be an idiot then I might as well call, the song is over. The DJ does the whole "Hi, you're the nth caller" thing, and Brian gets this foolish look on his face. We were nice and didn't gloat too much.
But c'mon, even if you don't know the song, who doesn't recognize the Oz man when you hear him? This is my current favorite:
One night after business had slowed down, Brian asked if he could turn up the radio. He was trying to score some tickets to an Ozzy Osbourne concert by calling in whenever they played an Ozzy song. (Side note: Brian played guitar and listened to many types of music, so he wasn't completely ignorant on this subject.) Sure enough, a while later a Black Sabbath song comes on the radio. At about the same time, L and I look up and over at Brian to see if it has registered. He looks back at us all "What?". We tell him to hurry up and go call before it's too late, but he shakes his head and says it's not Ozzy. We say we know, it's Black Sabbath, which was Ozzy's band, but he doesn't believe us. Of course by the time I decide that if he is going to be an idiot then I might as well call, the song is over. The DJ does the whole "Hi, you're the nth caller" thing, and Brian gets this foolish look on his face. We were nice and didn't gloat too much.
But c'mon, even if you don't know the song, who doesn't recognize the Oz man when you hear him? This is my current favorite:
Ellie and Bubba J - Chapter 2
So what kind of thing did I have with him? Depends on who you ask, and on what kind of day. Depends on if you will accept a definition of what it wasn't as much as what it was. Depends on my ability to just write it down without trying to be witty or wise or without editing as I go, so here goes...
It was not an affair, although it shared many characteristics of that kind of relationship - it was thrilling, and intense, and meaningful in its way. It was something I looked forward to and planned my time around. It could have completely consumed me if I had let it. It was also something I instinctively kept to myself and something I tried not to examine too closely. It was something I held on to even when I recognized that it was a bad idea.
It was something I couldn't explain, which was fine, because in many ways no explanation was needed. To use an already overused phrase, it just was what it was.
His wife was convinced it was something more. My husband accepted it when I told him it was a Facebook reconnect with someone I used to know. In many ways, that's all it was. True that we spent a lot of time texting or chatting, but more often than not we talked about music, sports, work, plans for the weekend, or whatever. We talked a little about the past, but it certainly wasn't like we were trying to relive it, or plan a future for that matter. A few times we talked about what we might do if we got a chance to meet up, but we never made specific plans to get together. Other than a couple of pics, I still haven't seen him since college.
So, no meeting, no plans, no phone sex, ha ha. No more contact from his wife. Why then am I still going on about it?
to be continued...
It was not an affair, although it shared many characteristics of that kind of relationship - it was thrilling, and intense, and meaningful in its way. It was something I looked forward to and planned my time around. It could have completely consumed me if I had let it. It was also something I instinctively kept to myself and something I tried not to examine too closely. It was something I held on to even when I recognized that it was a bad idea.
It was something I couldn't explain, which was fine, because in many ways no explanation was needed. To use an already overused phrase, it just was what it was.
His wife was convinced it was something more. My husband accepted it when I told him it was a Facebook reconnect with someone I used to know. In many ways, that's all it was. True that we spent a lot of time texting or chatting, but more often than not we talked about music, sports, work, plans for the weekend, or whatever. We talked a little about the past, but it certainly wasn't like we were trying to relive it, or plan a future for that matter. A few times we talked about what we might do if we got a chance to meet up, but we never made specific plans to get together. Other than a couple of pics, I still haven't seen him since college.
So, no meeting, no plans, no phone sex, ha ha. No more contact from his wife. Why then am I still going on about it?
to be continued...
November 2, 2010
Today
Today I voted, but I am pretty sure I was outvoted 2-1 on most issues.
Today my knees are killing me. Can't complain, we need the rain.
Today football was canceled. Thanks again for the rain :)
Today L and I talked about important stuff for the first time in awhile.
Today has turned out OK after all, if I ignore the election results :)
Today my knees are killing me. Can't complain, we need the rain.
Today football was canceled. Thanks again for the rain :)
Today L and I talked about important stuff for the first time in awhile.
Today has turned out OK after all, if I ignore the election results :)
Must Get Sleep
Finally exhausted enough to try going to bed. Ending the day with just these very random thoughts:
Who really cares if the Land Commissioner is a Democrat or a Republican? It's a job for bureaucratic tool no matter how you look at it.
Why do people make such a big deal about kids putting their shoes on the wrong feet? They're the ones that have to wear them all day and it doesn't seem to bother them.
A telescope is more practical, but a catapult seems like more fun. If I had to choose.
Not sure why I am not sleepy. It'll be better tomorrow, when the Tea Party starts.
Who really cares if the Land Commissioner is a Democrat or a Republican? It's a job for bureaucratic tool no matter how you look at it.
Why do people make such a big deal about kids putting their shoes on the wrong feet? They're the ones that have to wear them all day and it doesn't seem to bother them.
A telescope is more practical, but a catapult seems like more fun. If I had to choose.
Not sure why I am not sleepy. It'll be better tomorrow, when the Tea Party starts.
October 31, 2010
Holy @*%#
I think I felt sorry for Brett Favre today. I don't not like him, he has just never been my favorite player. He has always been fun to watch though, for his sheer love of the game. You can always tell when he is having fun. Even when he gets intercepted or takes a hit, he has that "aw, shucks, it was worth a try" grin on his face when he gets up. Now, he gets up more slowly and sometimes appears to be trying to figure out where he is. Yeah dude, you're still playing football.
Until today, I didn't feel real bad for him. I figured he sort of brought it on himself, staying in the game as long as he has. He has to know that every defensive player is hoping to be the guy who took him out of the game with a clean, legal play. Like most exceptional athletes, he wants to end his career at his best, on his terms. Like most athletes, he has committed to the team and the season and the fans doesn't want to let anyone down. Those are admirable traits, but the truth is that he is letting people, or at least this person, down.
He is not fun to watch anymore, because he most certainly does not look like he is having fun at all. More and more, he looks like the pervy old guy who hangs around looking for a school yard game of smear the queer, only those kids are wise to him.
Until today, I didn't feel real bad for him. I figured he sort of brought it on himself, staying in the game as long as he has. He has to know that every defensive player is hoping to be the guy who took him out of the game with a clean, legal play. Like most exceptional athletes, he wants to end his career at his best, on his terms. Like most athletes, he has committed to the team and the season and the fans doesn't want to let anyone down. Those are admirable traits, but the truth is that he is letting people, or at least this person, down.
He is not fun to watch anymore, because he most certainly does not look like he is having fun at all. More and more, he looks like the pervy old guy who hangs around looking for a school yard game of smear the queer, only those kids are wise to him.
October 30, 2010
Ellie and Bubba J - Chapter 1
I met him in college. I was 18. He was a couple of years older. I really don't remember "meeting" him, just that I sort of became aware of him and he seemed like someone I would like to know better. For some reason I was hanging around his suite when he and some friends were discussing spring break. A suggestion turned into a plan, and a friend and I ended up going to California with him and a couple of other people.
After spring break, my friend started a new job, my room mate moved in with her boyfriend, and it seemed like everyone was preoccupied with finals and summer plans. Then my grandma passed away. My parents called about me taking a bus home for the funeral, and I went to retrieve my atlas from him so I could look at the route. I remember him laughing when I asked for it, probably thinking it was an excuse of some kind. Afterward, I sort of started coming around again until one night I just didn't leave. Then we just hung out all the time. I blew off friends, and whatever classes I could so I wouldn't miss a chance to spend time with him before the semester ended. The day he left, I cried like the biggest baby ever. I wrote him once, and moped over him for awhile. The next fall, I fished around a bit for info, but knew he had moved on and so did I.
I thought about him off and on for the next 20+ years, until about six months ago when I thought to look him up on Facebook. There he was looking very much like I remembered. I sent him an email, and was surprised to hear back from him right away. Within a pretty short time, we were emailing and chatting back and forth, and spending almost as much time together as we had when we were actually a thing. Then it sort of turned into a thing again.
to be continued...
After spring break, my friend started a new job, my room mate moved in with her boyfriend, and it seemed like everyone was preoccupied with finals and summer plans. Then my grandma passed away. My parents called about me taking a bus home for the funeral, and I went to retrieve my atlas from him so I could look at the route. I remember him laughing when I asked for it, probably thinking it was an excuse of some kind. Afterward, I sort of started coming around again until one night I just didn't leave. Then we just hung out all the time. I blew off friends, and whatever classes I could so I wouldn't miss a chance to spend time with him before the semester ended. The day he left, I cried like the biggest baby ever. I wrote him once, and moped over him for awhile. The next fall, I fished around a bit for info, but knew he had moved on and so did I.
I thought about him off and on for the next 20+ years, until about six months ago when I thought to look him up on Facebook. There he was looking very much like I remembered. I sent him an email, and was surprised to hear back from him right away. Within a pretty short time, we were emailing and chatting back and forth, and spending almost as much time together as we had when we were actually a thing. Then it sort of turned into a thing again.
to be continued...
October 28, 2010
Lazy Way Out
I was working on a new post in my head when I heard this song. Yeah, I know it's taking the lazy way out, but that post had too much self-pity and too many curse words. This will work just fine:
October 27, 2010
Guilty "Pleasures"
Minds out of the gutter people :)
I have not slept well the last two nights. I am pretty sure that two nights ago it was because of the weather, but I am not sure what the problem was last night. I know it wasn't caffeine, because I didn't have any after lunch either day. Whatever it was, I had plenty of time to lie there thinking random thoughts. What I actually came up with was a list of "guilty pleasures" - things I like but don't feel the need to discuss or defend:
Jon Bon Jovi screen saver
Hawaii Five-O
instant mashed potatoes and gravy from a package
the dollar store
chick lit
Big Mac
my new designer knock off bag
Shaun the Sheep
singing along to cheesy pop music from the 70s and 80s
Steven Segal movies
And yeah, that too. You know, just to see if I could relax enough to fall asleep ;)
I have not slept well the last two nights. I am pretty sure that two nights ago it was because of the weather, but I am not sure what the problem was last night. I know it wasn't caffeine, because I didn't have any after lunch either day. Whatever it was, I had plenty of time to lie there thinking random thoughts. What I actually came up with was a list of "guilty pleasures" - things I like but don't feel the need to discuss or defend:
Jon Bon Jovi screen saver
Hawaii Five-O
instant mashed potatoes and gravy from a package
the dollar store
chick lit
Big Mac
my new designer knock off bag
Shaun the Sheep
singing along to cheesy pop music from the 70s and 80s
Steven Segal movies
And yeah, that too. You know, just to see if I could relax enough to fall asleep ;)
October 26, 2010
October 25, 2010
A Bad Carnival Analogy
The last couple of months have been a rollercoaster of sorts. I have been crazy busy with work, school, family, church - life. Things have leveled off finally, which is nice.
I used to love rollercoaster rides. In fact, if nothing was happening, I might lament being at loose ends, and then promptly go out of my way to make something happen. Today, a merry-go-round is OK. It might not be as thrilling as other rides, and I know I am going to wind up right back where I started, but at least I don't feel the need to hurl.
This feeling will last as long as it takes to catch my breath and get bored again. The next rollercoaster leaves just in time for the holidays.
I used to love rollercoaster rides. In fact, if nothing was happening, I might lament being at loose ends, and then promptly go out of my way to make something happen. Today, a merry-go-round is OK. It might not be as thrilling as other rides, and I know I am going to wind up right back where I started, but at least I don't feel the need to hurl.
This feeling will last as long as it takes to catch my breath and get bored again. The next rollercoaster leaves just in time for the holidays.
October 22, 2010
I Dreamt of Corn
I have been enjoying a fantastic fall, and glaring at anyone who says it should not be this warm for October. Fall is my favorite time, and I would love for it to last for a whole season like I grew up with instead of the typical two weeks we usually get here.
Headaches persist, but I have been sleeping well. Last night I had a dream that I was hiking. I took a wrong turn, then had to backtrack. I was annoyed because I was supposed to be meeting someone and didn't have time to get lost. Right after I got headed the right way, a huge tree fell right where I had just been. Then the terrain turned from a gravel trail to steep gullies filled with rocks, with everything rushing towards a roaring river. I fell in at one point, and promptly climbed right back out. I seemed determined to get where I was going, wherever that was. The weirdest thing about this dream, besides the fact that falling in the water did not wake me was that there was no sound - no water rushing, no tree crashing, no conversation in the community center through which I took a short cut. I am sure there is some comment I could make about the tree falling in the forest, but I've got nothin'. I am however still trying to make sense of the dream from a couple of nights ago. It featured a prominently displayed plate of creamed corn!?!
Also, mulling over a tongue-in-cheek invitation to compare sexual experiences with an acquaintance from college. I was pretty inexperienced, and probably wouldn't make for much of a comparison. But what precipitated the conversation was the admission that we had an, uhm, mutual (but not exactly similar) experience. I have mostly decent memories of that time in my life, and think I would prefer to remain stubbornly ignorant in case someone else remembers it differently.
Headaches persist, but I have been sleeping well. Last night I had a dream that I was hiking. I took a wrong turn, then had to backtrack. I was annoyed because I was supposed to be meeting someone and didn't have time to get lost. Right after I got headed the right way, a huge tree fell right where I had just been. Then the terrain turned from a gravel trail to steep gullies filled with rocks, with everything rushing towards a roaring river. I fell in at one point, and promptly climbed right back out. I seemed determined to get where I was going, wherever that was. The weirdest thing about this dream, besides the fact that falling in the water did not wake me was that there was no sound - no water rushing, no tree crashing, no conversation in the community center through which I took a short cut. I am sure there is some comment I could make about the tree falling in the forest, but I've got nothin'. I am however still trying to make sense of the dream from a couple of nights ago. It featured a prominently displayed plate of creamed corn!?!
Also, mulling over a tongue-in-cheek invitation to compare sexual experiences with an acquaintance from college. I was pretty inexperienced, and probably wouldn't make for much of a comparison. But what precipitated the conversation was the admission that we had an, uhm, mutual (but not exactly similar) experience. I have mostly decent memories of that time in my life, and think I would prefer to remain stubbornly ignorant in case someone else remembers it differently.
October 18, 2010
Kharma
I did a good deed today. Yeah, don't ask. I don't know what got into me either.
Anyways, any good kharma I may have earned was probably wiped out when I cursed the girl in the Chevy Aveo. I don't know how it could have taken her more than one try to parallel park that thing but it did. And I cursed her every time she backed up and pulled forward until she managed to angle it into the space. It took her four tries.
So much for kharma.
Anyways, any good kharma I may have earned was probably wiped out when I cursed the girl in the Chevy Aveo. I don't know how it could have taken her more than one try to parallel park that thing but it did. And I cursed her every time she backed up and pulled forward until she managed to angle it into the space. It took her four tries.
So much for kharma.
October 17, 2010
A Whole Lot of Space to Breathe In
All day, I have had the chorus of a song in my head. I was going to post the video of the band, but the whole song didn't really fit my mood. I decided just to stick with the phrase that had got me thinking.
Turns out that was more the mood of the day, just time and space to do nothing but watch too much football (Texans and Steelers-yay, Broncos and Redskins-nay, Saints-not even fun to watch that kind of a blowout, Vikings like a highway accident - gruesome and sad but you can't keep from looking) and poke fun at my neighbors with the five year old that likes to disappear and the 14 year old who just had a baby.
The five year old came into our yard and tried to elude his mom and his big sister. Their dog followed. The mom retrieved the five year old and was headed home, then asked C if she had Jacques (the dog). I had just come around the corner in time to hear C say "He's over here". I asked who she was looking for and she answered "the dog". "Oh, cool" I said. "I thought you lost the new kid already."
I also had time to read my favorite weekly paper, where I found this gem:
If we outlaw masturbation, then only outlaws will masturbate.
Ha Ha. It was a good day, even if the Broncos lost and it only had a mediocre soundtrack.
Turns out that was more the mood of the day, just time and space to do nothing but watch too much football (Texans and Steelers-yay, Broncos and Redskins-nay, Saints-not even fun to watch that kind of a blowout, Vikings like a highway accident - gruesome and sad but you can't keep from looking) and poke fun at my neighbors with the five year old that likes to disappear and the 14 year old who just had a baby.
The five year old came into our yard and tried to elude his mom and his big sister. Their dog followed. The mom retrieved the five year old and was headed home, then asked C if she had Jacques (the dog). I had just come around the corner in time to hear C say "He's over here". I asked who she was looking for and she answered "the dog". "Oh, cool" I said. "I thought you lost the new kid already."
I also had time to read my favorite weekly paper, where I found this gem:
If we outlaw masturbation, then only outlaws will masturbate.
Ha Ha. It was a good day, even if the Broncos lost and it only had a mediocre soundtrack.
October 15, 2010
FGMS
For some reason, he has been on my mind lately. I was 22 when I met him. He was 38. He had just left a publishing career in Chicago to move to Denver. We worked together, drank together and found ourselves alone together one too many times. He was Italian and very attractive - tall, dark hair, dark eyes, dark side. He drank way too much. He carried a gun. He went commando. It was not about being together so much as not being alone as we each tried to make our new lives in a new place. We eventually went our separate ways. I hope he found what he was looking for.
October 14, 2010
Randomly Accessed Memories
Due to a general lack of inspiration and few promising suggestions for a new obsession (43 things, maybe. Take up tae kwon do, seriously?), I will be writing about random memories and people I know until I think of something better. For today, it's going to be as simple as tattoos and piercings.
I left for college with the standard two pierced ears. At some point during the first semester of my freshman year, I woke up with my left ear throbbing. When I felt it, I discovered my basic gold post missing, and a new hole with a tiny diamond earring right above. A little while later, I ran into a friend wearing what appeared to be my earring. Turns out, at some point the night before I had agreed to trade with him and pierced a new hole.
Number four, third on the left side? Not a clue when or how it got there.
Number five, I remember well. It had become a running joke that every time I came home to visit, I had a new piercing. I was headed home the summer after my sophomore year with no piercing to show. So completely sober, in the light of the afternoon, I held a piece of ice to the back side of my right ear until the place where the cartilage begins was numb, and then I poked an earring into place. It hurt like crazy, but I liked the way it balanced out the three in a row on the other side
My senior year, I was thinking about a tattoo. I was living in a place where tattoo parlors were illegal, but I worked with a guy who had learned to ink in prison. I talked to him about it, and was working up the nerve when he suddenly quit coming to work and that was the end of that.
Since then, I have let all of the piercings except the original two close, and I have been grateful many times that I did not pursue the idea of a tattoo.
I left for college with the standard two pierced ears. At some point during the first semester of my freshman year, I woke up with my left ear throbbing. When I felt it, I discovered my basic gold post missing, and a new hole with a tiny diamond earring right above. A little while later, I ran into a friend wearing what appeared to be my earring. Turns out, at some point the night before I had agreed to trade with him and pierced a new hole.
Number four, third on the left side? Not a clue when or how it got there.
Number five, I remember well. It had become a running joke that every time I came home to visit, I had a new piercing. I was headed home the summer after my sophomore year with no piercing to show. So completely sober, in the light of the afternoon, I held a piece of ice to the back side of my right ear until the place where the cartilage begins was numb, and then I poked an earring into place. It hurt like crazy, but I liked the way it balanced out the three in a row on the other side
My senior year, I was thinking about a tattoo. I was living in a place where tattoo parlors were illegal, but I worked with a guy who had learned to ink in prison. I talked to him about it, and was working up the nerve when he suddenly quit coming to work and that was the end of that.
Since then, I have let all of the piercings except the original two close, and I have been grateful many times that I did not pursue the idea of a tattoo.
October 13, 2010
Blue Eyes
The quality of this version is terrible, but the tune is catchy.
I have had it in my head ALL day.
I have had it in my head ALL day.
October 12, 2010
Epiphany
I had a really hard time today. Could NOT stop thinking about Him and it is starting to piss me off. I have started writing about Him several times and scrapped it because I can't seem to organize my thoughts, or I edit myself, trying to be more philosophical about the whole thing. Why not just say what is on my mind? Truth is I could write about Him all day without much trouble. Problem is I keep trying to spin it so that I don't look like a self-centered nut job and I am not buying my own BS.
Song Lyrics
Two bits of lyrics left in my head from yesterday:
I'm not in love, but the sex is good (The Sex is Good, Saving Abel)
If it wasn't for you I'd be happy (If It Wasn't for Bad, Elton John and Leon Russell)
I'm not in love, but the sex is good (The Sex is Good, Saving Abel)
If it wasn't for you I'd be happy (If It Wasn't for Bad, Elton John and Leon Russell)
October 11, 2010
Monday
And just like that, Mondays are awesome again:
L is officially on contract with Enterprise
Most of the people/things that have been making me crazy are going away
An acquaintance from college and I met up on Facebook and I am quite looking forward to getting reconnected
And it's only 8 o'clock in the morning!
L is officially on contract with Enterprise
Most of the people/things that have been making me crazy are going away
An acquaintance from college and I met up on Facebook and I am quite looking forward to getting reconnected
And it's only 8 o'clock in the morning!
October 10, 2010
Letter to a Ballsy Guy
I saw you today on the way to church. You were driving a flatbed truck with a small truckster on the back. There was nothing remarkable about you, or the truck, or the truckster. In fact, I barely registered your presence until one of my children asked what that red thing was.
You had a lovely pair of imitation testicles in bright red rubber dangling from the hitch of the truckster. I snickered to myself and glanced at my 10-year-old, who also had a knowing smirk on his face. I answered that yes, those were what they appeared to be, and no, I had no idea why men thought they were funny/cool/necessary.
As for the two three-year-olds at eye level with your set-up, I couldn't even begin to explain the situation to their satisfaction. Instead, I got to spend the rest of the drive trying to change the subject so that it would not be on their minds when we got to church.
So thanks for the laugh. I did appreciate the irony and the sly sense of humor. The evidence of your complex hanging in the face of two kids with a lot of curiosity and a still-developing sense of appropriate subject matter, not so much.
Signed,
A fellow driver with issues that are better left unexamined
P.S. I guess if you have to have them, red is better than blue!
You had a lovely pair of imitation testicles in bright red rubber dangling from the hitch of the truckster. I snickered to myself and glanced at my 10-year-old, who also had a knowing smirk on his face. I answered that yes, those were what they appeared to be, and no, I had no idea why men thought they were funny/cool/necessary.
As for the two three-year-olds at eye level with your set-up, I couldn't even begin to explain the situation to their satisfaction. Instead, I got to spend the rest of the drive trying to change the subject so that it would not be on their minds when we got to church.
So thanks for the laugh. I did appreciate the irony and the sly sense of humor. The evidence of your complex hanging in the face of two kids with a lot of curiosity and a still-developing sense of appropriate subject matter, not so much.
Signed,
A fellow driver with issues that are better left unexamined
P.S. I guess if you have to have them, red is better than blue!
October 8, 2010
Me, Me, Me
The purpose of this blog was originally to be an outlet for all of the random junk that clutters up my mind: memories or reflections that don't mean anything to other people, things I wish I had said but didn't, strange thoughts that don't exactly lend themselves to conversation, and so on. I kept it private partly because I didn't imagine anyone else being interested, and partly because I liked the idea of being able to express things someplace when no other place seemed right.
Along the way I realized that what is missing is the person or persons who would be interested in my rambling. Some one who didn't already know my every quirk and flaw, someone who was interested in getting to know me better, another person who shared my curiosity about the world, had my sarcastic sense of humor, understood my frustration with life sometimes, or otherwise had something in common with me.
Also along the way I have picked up a couple of occasional readers that I know of, and shared the blog link with a few others. At the same time, blogger added the new page feature. So, in an effort not to have to explain everything to people, I am practicing my blog design skills by adding a page. The page is still just a collection of random thoughts, but they are things that might be helpful to know before jumping into the rest of the blog.
Along the way I realized that what is missing is the person or persons who would be interested in my rambling. Some one who didn't already know my every quirk and flaw, someone who was interested in getting to know me better, another person who shared my curiosity about the world, had my sarcastic sense of humor, understood my frustration with life sometimes, or otherwise had something in common with me.
Also along the way I have picked up a couple of occasional readers that I know of, and shared the blog link with a few others. At the same time, blogger added the new page feature. So, in an effort not to have to explain everything to people, I am practicing my blog design skills by adding a page. The page is still just a collection of random thoughts, but they are things that might be helpful to know before jumping into the rest of the blog.
October 5, 2010
Panic Attack
I was chatting with an acquaintance tonight and she mentioned that she was impressed that I could get up in front of 600 people to talk without panicking. She said that she has to take a Xanax and get a priesthood blessing just to give a talk in church. She is not the only person I have heard say something like that. I feel bad for those people, but I do not understand what it feels like to be them in that situation. I get nervous, and I worry about things, and I have a brain that jumps all over the place as it tries to keep up with my mouth, but I am not really prone to all out panic.
The other night I woke up with what I imagine a panic attack might feel like. I was gasping, and getting very upset that I could not seem to get a deep breath, or get control of the situation. When I quit freaking out, my chest hurt and the bed was destroyed. I remembered that I fell asleep thinking about someone I used to know and a possible post I have been wanting to write. I looked at the clock and saw that only about 30 minutes had passed since I went to bed so it hadn't been long enough to be in a deep sleep. If anything, I must have arrived at the edge of the place where reality and dreaming sort of blurred together.
Was it a panic attack? Having never had one, I can't really say. And it's not like I am going to ask anyone. Then I would be comparing myself to someone who had a legitimate, medically-recognized condition shared by millions of people world wide. I am just stupid. And while I definitely know stupid when I see it, it's not the same as diagnosable. So why is it that the idea of speaking to a crowd of 600 people makes me only slightly nervous, but the thought of never seeing or talking to Him again is enough to generate the kind of fit that would wake me from a dead sleep with the whole center of my being feeling like I had been run over?
The other night I woke up with what I imagine a panic attack might feel like. I was gasping, and getting very upset that I could not seem to get a deep breath, or get control of the situation. When I quit freaking out, my chest hurt and the bed was destroyed. I remembered that I fell asleep thinking about someone I used to know and a possible post I have been wanting to write. I looked at the clock and saw that only about 30 minutes had passed since I went to bed so it hadn't been long enough to be in a deep sleep. If anything, I must have arrived at the edge of the place where reality and dreaming sort of blurred together.
Was it a panic attack? Having never had one, I can't really say. And it's not like I am going to ask anyone. Then I would be comparing myself to someone who had a legitimate, medically-recognized condition shared by millions of people world wide. I am just stupid. And while I definitely know stupid when I see it, it's not the same as diagnosable. So why is it that the idea of speaking to a crowd of 600 people makes me only slightly nervous, but the thought of never seeing or talking to Him again is enough to generate the kind of fit that would wake me from a dead sleep with the whole center of my being feeling like I had been run over?
October 2, 2010
Letter to Day Care
Dear Day Care -
I pay you a lot of money to take care of my children. In fact, I pay you more than I pay my mortgage company. That's OK, because they like you, and they seem to be learning everything the average three year-old should know. Every once in a while they learn something I don't think they should know. That's probably to be expected, since they spend more time with you in a day than they do with me.
When you call and tell me my child is misbehaving, I appreciate that you seem to want to work together to discipline him in a way that is both helpful and in keeping with what our family feels is appropriate. I do not appreciate it when the conversation ends up like this:
You: Can you talk to him about this at home tonight so it won't happen again?
Me: Absolutely
You: If he was my kid, he wouldn't be able to sit down for a few days, but that's up to you
Yes, it is up to me, and I don't like what you are suggesting. If we are going to give each other advice, then the next time you call me, expect the conversation to go more like this:
You: He sat there and pulled up a whole section of the carpet
Me: Wasn't someone watching him?
You: We asked him to stop, but he just got a hold of it and had it all pulled up before we could stop him
Me: If he pulled up a section of carpet that easy with someone watching him, then maybe you should have sprung for better carpet
It's probably a good idea if we just stick with our current business arrangement, and refrain from giving each other unwanted advice.
Signed,
The customer who pays the salaries of two people
I pay you a lot of money to take care of my children. In fact, I pay you more than I pay my mortgage company. That's OK, because they like you, and they seem to be learning everything the average three year-old should know. Every once in a while they learn something I don't think they should know. That's probably to be expected, since they spend more time with you in a day than they do with me.
When you call and tell me my child is misbehaving, I appreciate that you seem to want to work together to discipline him in a way that is both helpful and in keeping with what our family feels is appropriate. I do not appreciate it when the conversation ends up like this:
You: Can you talk to him about this at home tonight so it won't happen again?
Me: Absolutely
You: If he was my kid, he wouldn't be able to sit down for a few days, but that's up to you
Yes, it is up to me, and I don't like what you are suggesting. If we are going to give each other advice, then the next time you call me, expect the conversation to go more like this:
You: He sat there and pulled up a whole section of the carpet
Me: Wasn't someone watching him?
You: We asked him to stop, but he just got a hold of it and had it all pulled up before we could stop him
Me: If he pulled up a section of carpet that easy with someone watching him, then maybe you should have sprung for better carpet
It's probably a good idea if we just stick with our current business arrangement, and refrain from giving each other unwanted advice.
Signed,
The customer who pays the salaries of two people
October 1, 2010
Four F's and the Broom Principle
I am not the one who left the broom on the roof. I could get the broom off the roof if I had a...broom. I could buy a new broom, but then I wouldn't need the old one. Actually, I could just use the ladder that was also borrowed and not returned, but it's the principle of the matter. I am not the one who left the broom on the roof.
There is a reason I keep moving your email over next to those from Viagra and the Nigerian ambassador. I do not want to buy a used forklift.
F***ing hormones and F***ing headaches. Fall is nice though.
There is a reason I keep moving your email over next to those from Viagra and the Nigerian ambassador. I do not want to buy a used forklift.
F***ing hormones and F***ing headaches. Fall is nice though.
September 30, 2010
Oh Henrie
The Henrie family had five boys. Mike, the oldest, who I really don't remember. Greg, who did a few too many drugs and was fun to mess with, but not to take seriously. Gary, who was three years older than me. We wrote while he was on his mission, and went out a couple of times. David, who was a year younger then me. We also went out a couple of times. And Brent, who was a year older than me, and the one I liked the most. My mom used to tease me that I seemed determined to marry a Henrie boy.
I didn't marry Brent, or even come close, but we had a lot of fun. He drove a '76 T-top TransAm, which I loved to ride in. He was a flirt, and a great dancer, and did a good Eddie Murphy impersonation. He was a hugger :) We wrote a few times in college, and then sort of lost touch. My mom runs into him from time to time, and says he always asks about me. I think if I still lived there, our families could probably be friends.
I didn't marry Brent, or even come close, but we had a lot of fun. He drove a '76 T-top TransAm, which I loved to ride in. He was a flirt, and a great dancer, and did a good Eddie Murphy impersonation. He was a hugger :) We wrote a few times in college, and then sort of lost touch. My mom runs into him from time to time, and says he always asks about me. I think if I still lived there, our families could probably be friends.
September 28, 2010
Oh That Smell
Well crap. On a night when I was exhausted, at the beginning of the week when I really needed the sleep, I woke up halfway through the night and never quite went back to sleep.
I know why though. I had a dream. In my dream, I was going out for the evening with Him. Not sure where we were going, but we were dressed up. At some point we decided to go to a low-rent gambling place. We got separated. When we met up again, we hugged and he smelled amazing. I think that is what woke me up, and everything that came after was me trying to get back to the good part of the dream. It must have been the smell I was chasing, because he was being a bit of a jerk. There was some fence-climbing, and a fight over a hammer, and a break-up of the impromptu band over creative differences. At some point during the meeting with the owners of the racehorse I leaned over and caught a faint whiff, but then it was over.
I am annoyed this morning for several reasons. First, I am tired. Second, I am annoyed that in my dream I was following him around waiting for something that wasn't likely to happen. It was an interesting dream otherwise. Third, when I am tired, I am grumpy. I don't want to be grumpy, so instead of spending my commute to work trying to analyze the dream, I am going to think about all of the other people I have known who smelled good.
Starting with my dad, who always smelled like work and outdoors, in a good way. And Brent H, who usually smelled of Polo, even when he was sweaty :)
I know why though. I had a dream. In my dream, I was going out for the evening with Him. Not sure where we were going, but we were dressed up. At some point we decided to go to a low-rent gambling place. We got separated. When we met up again, we hugged and he smelled amazing. I think that is what woke me up, and everything that came after was me trying to get back to the good part of the dream. It must have been the smell I was chasing, because he was being a bit of a jerk. There was some fence-climbing, and a fight over a hammer, and a break-up of the impromptu band over creative differences. At some point during the meeting with the owners of the racehorse I leaned over and caught a faint whiff, but then it was over.
I am annoyed this morning for several reasons. First, I am tired. Second, I am annoyed that in my dream I was following him around waiting for something that wasn't likely to happen. It was an interesting dream otherwise. Third, when I am tired, I am grumpy. I don't want to be grumpy, so instead of spending my commute to work trying to analyze the dream, I am going to think about all of the other people I have known who smelled good.
Starting with my dad, who always smelled like work and outdoors, in a good way. And Brent H, who usually smelled of Polo, even when he was sweaty :)
September 24, 2010
Stuff I Miss
Missing stuff on my mind this week:
- Colorado, especially Denver, family and my friend Jules.
- When I subsisted on a diet of alcohol and Denny's without gaining weight.
- Having a social life.
- For that matter, having a day where I could do absolutely whatever I wanted, including nothing at all.
- And yeah, hate to admit it, but I miss having you-know-who to talk to about stuff, like work, and life, and football.
September 21, 2010
Mail Bags
Something that happened today prompted me to remember a conversation from a while back. It occurred shortly after my husband lost his job, when I found out this his former boss was accusing me of sending her hate mail:
Me: Why would Michelle think I was sending her hate mail?
L: Because someone is sending her hate mail.
Me: How come you didn't tell me about it (the accusation)?
L: Because I knew it wasn't you.
Me: Cool, thanks. Did you tell her that I it couldn't be me, because if I really hated somebody I wouldn't waste my energy or the price of stamp on their sorry ass?
L: No, I told her it couldn't be you because if it was you, you would have found a way to make her life miserable without her seeing it coming or knowing where it came from.
His assessment isn't exactly accurate, but neither is it completely out of line :) Anyways, something that happened today made me recall that conversation. I wouldn't have that same conversation per se, but if I were still speaking to Him, I might be tempted to ask "Should I ignore her, or is it OK to screw with her head some more, since I have nothing better to do?"
I wouldn't do something like that anyway. No fun to be had messing with someone who already has issues.
Me: Why would Michelle think I was sending her hate mail?
L: Because someone is sending her hate mail.
Me: How come you didn't tell me about it (the accusation)?
L: Because I knew it wasn't you.
Me: Cool, thanks. Did you tell her that I it couldn't be me, because if I really hated somebody I wouldn't waste my energy or the price of stamp on their sorry ass?
L: No, I told her it couldn't be you because if it was you, you would have found a way to make her life miserable without her seeing it coming or knowing where it came from.
His assessment isn't exactly accurate, but neither is it completely out of line :) Anyways, something that happened today made me recall that conversation. I wouldn't have that same conversation per se, but if I were still speaking to Him, I might be tempted to ask "Should I ignore her, or is it OK to screw with her head some more, since I have nothing better to do?"
I wouldn't do something like that anyway. No fun to be had messing with someone who already has issues.
Like a Period
Not that I am keeping track exactly. Just that every time I forget to anticipate it, there it is.
September 20, 2010
That's Just Wrong
Our neighbor's 14 year-old daughter had her baby. She is home, but the baby is in the ICU. It was born five weeks, or five years, too soon, depending on how you look at it.
September 18, 2010
Skin Quotient
I once read an article once about something called a skin quotient. The term was used to explain an individual's need for skin-to-skin contact with another person. The article explained why some people seem more touchy-feely, and what one might do if he or she was dealing with someone who had a vastly different skin quotient.
This article has stuck with me for a long time. I even tried to explain it to my husband. Sometimes at the end of the day, I would say that I had not gotten my skin quotient. He would patiently permit me to curl up against him for awhile, maybe 10 minutes max, before saying only half jokingly "Have you gotten your skin quotient yet?", which was his subtle way of saying he was ready for me to move to my own side of the bed.
Now he spends most nights in a chair, and any contact from him is pretty much incidental. At the opposite end of the spectrum, I had a boyfriend once who liked to wrap his arms around me and hold me all night. I am certainly not complaining about it, I just didn't "need" that much touch to be content. Ideally, somewhere in between is fine.
These days, most of my skin quotient is filled by my kids. B has not quite reached the age where it is uncool to show affection for a parent, although I worry that day is coming soon. The twins are still at an age where they are very generous with hugs and like to cuddle. I try to let this be enough, although sometimes I freak them out by holding on a little too tight or a little too long. I don't try to explain to them why, I just tell them that's what moms do.
Then I make a silent wish that they don't grow up and away too soon.
This article has stuck with me for a long time. I even tried to explain it to my husband. Sometimes at the end of the day, I would say that I had not gotten my skin quotient. He would patiently permit me to curl up against him for awhile, maybe 10 minutes max, before saying only half jokingly "Have you gotten your skin quotient yet?", which was his subtle way of saying he was ready for me to move to my own side of the bed.
Now he spends most nights in a chair, and any contact from him is pretty much incidental. At the opposite end of the spectrum, I had a boyfriend once who liked to wrap his arms around me and hold me all night. I am certainly not complaining about it, I just didn't "need" that much touch to be content. Ideally, somewhere in between is fine.
These days, most of my skin quotient is filled by my kids. B has not quite reached the age where it is uncool to show affection for a parent, although I worry that day is coming soon. The twins are still at an age where they are very generous with hugs and like to cuddle. I try to let this be enough, although sometimes I freak them out by holding on a little too tight or a little too long. I don't try to explain to them why, I just tell them that's what moms do.
Then I make a silent wish that they don't grow up and away too soon.
September 16, 2010
Signs
Signs I am strung a little tighter than usual this week:
- I am achy all over, from getting hurt, and being sick, and generally having stress.
- When I am not doped up from the medicine, I am acting like a three year old - a lot of unfocused energy, but with an attention span the length of my pinkie finger.
- I am cranky, but not in the usual "no time for idiots" way I am cranky. I am cranky in the way that everything makes me want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.
- For that matter, the most ridiculous things make me weepy. I did that thing I hate, where I get emotional and whiny, in front of complete strangers not once, but twice this week. I really hate that.
- I am avoiding people and situations that I don't feel like dealing with, even though I know I am only delaying the inevitable and making it harder for myself later.
- I am having a harder time than usual seeing a bright spot, even though I know part of my tension is only temporary and/or caused by not feeling well.
Avocado, Day Whatever
September 13, 2010
Advice and Observations
Since you asked :)
1. Never say something in front of a three year old that you wouldn't want repeated at church.
2. Don't be surprised if a blogger you are following who claims to have ADD suddenly quits blogging to open a pet store.
3. Be prepared to handle the consequences if you take it upon yourself to educate someone who believes ignorance is bliss.
4. If you want to practice your lip-reading skills, don't watch Josh McDaniels. There was zero challenge in figuring out what he was saying yesterday at least.
5. If somebody mows your lawn for free, it is apparently too much to ask that:
~ he put things back where they belong when he is done
~ he clean up the clippings, at least in front of the door
~ he give your dog fresh water, minus the clippings
6. Just because they air an all-day marathon of The Dukes of Hazzard does not mean you have to watch the all-day marathon of The Dukes of Hazzard.
1. Never say something in front of a three year old that you wouldn't want repeated at church.
2. Don't be surprised if a blogger you are following who claims to have ADD suddenly quits blogging to open a pet store.
3. Be prepared to handle the consequences if you take it upon yourself to educate someone who believes ignorance is bliss.
4. If you want to practice your lip-reading skills, don't watch Josh McDaniels. There was zero challenge in figuring out what he was saying yesterday at least.
5. If somebody mows your lawn for free, it is apparently too much to ask that:
~ he put things back where they belong when he is done
~ he clean up the clippings, at least in front of the door
~ he give your dog fresh water, minus the clippings
6. Just because they air an all-day marathon of The Dukes of Hazzard does not mean you have to watch the all-day marathon of The Dukes of Hazzard.
Crazy Dreams
I can't remember the last time I had a dream that I could recall when I woke up. But this weekend I had two, both of which are still vivid.
In the first, I was subpoenaed to be a witness in divorce court for someone else. I am not even sure that is possible, but it is still sort of disconcerting.
In the second, I arrived at a family event to find all of my stuff waiting in a pile for me to take as I was evicted from the family. A weird thing about this dream, besides the obvious, was that the pile included other people's crap too, which I seemed to load up and take with me without question. Hah, like I would ever deal with other people's baggage and unwanted junk without complaining.
Then, as I am writing this, I am informed by my boss that I will "have" to do something. Anyone who knows me knows that upon being told I "have" to do anything, or feeling that I am expected to do something without being given a choice, I get quite annoyed.
As if I wasn't already feeling crappy enough, and having dreams I would just as soon forget, I am now just pissy in general. Monday used to be my favorite day of the week.
In the first, I was subpoenaed to be a witness in divorce court for someone else. I am not even sure that is possible, but it is still sort of disconcerting.
In the second, I arrived at a family event to find all of my stuff waiting in a pile for me to take as I was evicted from the family. A weird thing about this dream, besides the obvious, was that the pile included other people's crap too, which I seemed to load up and take with me without question. Hah, like I would ever deal with other people's baggage and unwanted junk without complaining.
Then, as I am writing this, I am informed by my boss that I will "have" to do something. Anyone who knows me knows that upon being told I "have" to do anything, or feeling that I am expected to do something without being given a choice, I get quite annoyed.
As if I wasn't already feeling crappy enough, and having dreams I would just as soon forget, I am now just pissy in general. Monday used to be my favorite day of the week.
September 11, 2010
Musical Memories - Part 2
More musical memories, associated less with a specific person and more with a memory in general:
Grease Soundtrack - 4th grade
Air Supply - synonymous with 8th grade dances
Jack and Diane, John Cougar - 8th grade in general
Centerfold, J. Geils Band - two weeks in New Mexico
Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler - volleyball bus full of freshman girls (worse than karaoke)
Rock Me Amadeus, Falco - cruising main in a Mustang
Dance, G**dammit, The Sparks - Band bus
Never Say Goodbye, Bon Jovi - Senior year
Meatloaf - driving to Keystone Lake with Shawn and DD
Erasure and Wild Thing, Tone-Loc - Clubbing with boyfriend's roommate 'cause boyfriend had to work :-)
Love Hurts, Nazareth - driving Jerry to the airport to pick up plane tickets
I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston - Inside joke with L
T-R-O-U-B-L-E, Travis Tritt - the DJ played it while security escorted us out
Sail Away, Enya - The Thursday Night Threesome
Friends in Low Places, Garth Brooks - taking the shuttle back to the parking lot from Oktoberfest
Only God Knows Why, Kid Rock - the spring that B was born
Jeremiah was a Bullfrog, Three Dog Night - babysitting a charter bus full of state legislators
Grease Soundtrack - 4th grade
Air Supply - synonymous with 8th grade dances
Jack and Diane, John Cougar - 8th grade in general
Centerfold, J. Geils Band - two weeks in New Mexico
Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler - volleyball bus full of freshman girls (worse than karaoke)
Rock Me Amadeus, Falco - cruising main in a Mustang
Dance, G**dammit, The Sparks - Band bus
Never Say Goodbye, Bon Jovi - Senior year
Meatloaf - driving to Keystone Lake with Shawn and DD
Erasure and Wild Thing, Tone-Loc - Clubbing with boyfriend's roommate 'cause boyfriend had to work :-)
Love Hurts, Nazareth - driving Jerry to the airport to pick up plane tickets
I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston - Inside joke with L
T-R-O-U-B-L-E, Travis Tritt - the DJ played it while security escorted us out
Sail Away, Enya - The Thursday Night Threesome
Friends in Low Places, Garth Brooks - taking the shuttle back to the parking lot from Oktoberfest
Only God Knows Why, Kid Rock - the spring that B was born
Jeremiah was a Bullfrog, Three Dog Night - babysitting a charter bus full of state legislators
September 10, 2010
So Who's on Third?
Dennis is a little weird, but basically a good guy. His girlfriend is nice enough, but a lot weird, in several ways.
They had a roommate for awhile. She seemed normal. We couldn't figure out what she was doing with the two of them. Then she wasn't their roommate anymore.
Now they have a different roommate. The first account of any conversation with her went something like:
G: So she's his girlfriend (points to girlfriend and Dennis)
RM: yes
G: and you're their girlfriend? (points to roommate)
RM: (in a bitchy voice) NO, I am her girlfriend (points to first girlfriend)
So L is telling me about the conversation and I have to ask about the first roommate. Was that situation what we thought it was? Sort of.
Turns out Dennis invited that girl home to be their roommate/third partner. For whatever reason it didn't work out. So he invited the second girl home, same scenario. Only now Dennis' girlfriend and her girlfriend sleep together and drive around in my Miata. Dennis paid for the Miata and sleeps on the couch.
And that is where being a basically nice guy gets you in my apartment complex.
They had a roommate for awhile. She seemed normal. We couldn't figure out what she was doing with the two of them. Then she wasn't their roommate anymore.
Now they have a different roommate. The first account of any conversation with her went something like:
G: So she's his girlfriend (points to girlfriend and Dennis)
RM: yes
G: and you're their girlfriend? (points to roommate)
RM: (in a bitchy voice) NO, I am her girlfriend (points to first girlfriend)
So L is telling me about the conversation and I have to ask about the first roommate. Was that situation what we thought it was? Sort of.
Turns out Dennis invited that girl home to be their roommate/third partner. For whatever reason it didn't work out. So he invited the second girl home, same scenario. Only now Dennis' girlfriend and her girlfriend sleep together and drive around in my Miata. Dennis paid for the Miata and sleeps on the couch.
And that is where being a basically nice guy gets you in my apartment complex.
September 7, 2010
Edge of the World
I went to the edge of the world today
To see what I could see
The view was nice, the sky was wide
And time stood still it seemed
I went to the edge of the world today
To make myself be heard
The wind was but a whisper
But it took away the words
I went to the edge of the world today
To listen for a voice
The only sound was silence
And so I made a choice
I went to the edge of the world today
And this is what I saw
The view from there compared to here
Is not so different after all
I went to the edge of the world today
To see what I would find
I didn't take away as much
As what I left behind
I went to the edge of the world today
And said goodbye to him
And as I walked away I knew
The world would turn again
I went to the edge of the world today
And left reluctantly
But I'll go back until I find
A world that's made for me
To see what I could see
The view was nice, the sky was wide
And time stood still it seemed
I went to the edge of the world today
To make myself be heard
The wind was but a whisper
But it took away the words
I went to the edge of the world today
To listen for a voice
The only sound was silence
And so I made a choice
I went to the edge of the world today
And this is what I saw
The view from there compared to here
Is not so different after all
I went to the edge of the world today
To see what I would find
I didn't take away as much
As what I left behind
I went to the edge of the world today
And said goodbye to him
And as I walked away I knew
The world would turn again
I went to the edge of the world today
And left reluctantly
But I'll go back until I find
A world that's made for me
Letter to Him
To My Favorite Rollercoaster Operator:
You tried to tell me that when the end came it should be short and sweet. In my typical fashion, I didn't really listen, except to the parts I wanted to hear. I will try to do better.
I didn't write before now because I wasn't sure what to say. I kept hoping that if I waited long enough, I might not have to say anything at all. Thing is, I am tired of waiting. I have spent too much time thinking "When X happens, then...", or "If Y happens, things will be different". That kind of thinking makes for an interesting conversation, but at the end I am always right back where I started. It works for a rollercoaster ride, but it doesn't work for real life. You know and I know that I will always be looking for something more.
As for you, I hope you find your version of happiness too. I really do. If you get bored waiting for it, I am currently staking out the vacant lot at the edge of town until the next carnival comes through. Seriously, if it turns out to be something you want to talk about, I'll be right here where I always am.
Until then, Mr. Rollercoaster Operator, thanks for the ride. It was fun while it lasted.
Still Your Friend if You Want,
Me
You tried to tell me that when the end came it should be short and sweet. In my typical fashion, I didn't really listen, except to the parts I wanted to hear. I will try to do better.
I didn't write before now because I wasn't sure what to say. I kept hoping that if I waited long enough, I might not have to say anything at all. Thing is, I am tired of waiting. I have spent too much time thinking "When X happens, then...", or "If Y happens, things will be different". That kind of thinking makes for an interesting conversation, but at the end I am always right back where I started. It works for a rollercoaster ride, but it doesn't work for real life. You know and I know that I will always be looking for something more.
As for you, I hope you find your version of happiness too. I really do. If you get bored waiting for it, I am currently staking out the vacant lot at the edge of town until the next carnival comes through. Seriously, if it turns out to be something you want to talk about, I'll be right here where I always am.
Until then, Mr. Rollercoaster Operator, thanks for the ride. It was fun while it lasted.
Still Your Friend if You Want,
Me
September 6, 2010
Odds and Ends
I went to the edge of the world.
OK, not really, but it's a good line, and a nice way of describing the view from Petit Jean Mountain. We took the bike out for the day yesterday, which we haven't done in a while. It was a great day as far as weather, minimal traffic, and all that.
One of my favorite things about being on the bike is having time to just think and observe. The most interesting things I saw, besides generally nice scenery, were the sculpture garden of repurposed farm implements and the big lady in the little cart being pulled by a pony. Oh, and also the addition of a traffic circle in the middle of nowhere, where it used to be just a three-way intersection. Weird.
Speaking of weird, I also kept thinking of the guys I saw in the park a couple of days ago. Three guys were sword-fighting. With wooden swords and plywood shields. Day off from working at the used game store?
Besides checking out the view, and composing a poem using that opening line, I also had this thought running through my head:
The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off (Gloria Steinem)
OK, not really, but it's a good line, and a nice way of describing the view from Petit Jean Mountain. We took the bike out for the day yesterday, which we haven't done in a while. It was a great day as far as weather, minimal traffic, and all that.
One of my favorite things about being on the bike is having time to just think and observe. The most interesting things I saw, besides generally nice scenery, were the sculpture garden of repurposed farm implements and the big lady in the little cart being pulled by a pony. Oh, and also the addition of a traffic circle in the middle of nowhere, where it used to be just a three-way intersection. Weird.
Speaking of weird, I also kept thinking of the guys I saw in the park a couple of days ago. Three guys were sword-fighting. With wooden swords and plywood shields. Day off from working at the used game store?
Besides checking out the view, and composing a poem using that opening line, I also had this thought running through my head:
The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off (Gloria Steinem)
September 2, 2010
I'm Tired (More Whining)
My permanent headache is back. The timing sucks, because I have neither the time nor the money to indulge in self-pity right now. The reasons for both are the same:
Trying to get new business up and running
F***ing bureaucracy
Gearing up for busiest time of year at work
CSP and all that drama
And I think I was wrong about something important. Nobody likes to admit that, which is why I am only sort of admitting it, and in a place no one who cares will actually see it.
Mostly I am tired. Of everything.
Trying to get new business up and running
F***ing bureaucracy
Gearing up for busiest time of year at work
CSP and all that drama
And I think I was wrong about something important. Nobody likes to admit that, which is why I am only sort of admitting it, and in a place no one who cares will actually see it.
Mostly I am tired. Of everything.
September 1, 2010
Musical Memories - Part 1
A while back, I mentioned that a certain song held some sort of emotional memories for me. Actually, I associate quite a few singers or songs with people, places or events. I'll start with songs that remind me of certain people. Most of these are farther in the past than the one that got me the other day, so they invite nostalgia more than emotion. Humor me if you will:
I'd Really Love to See You Tonight, England Dan - Brent H.
Rough Boy, ZZ Top - Scott S.
Just Like Heaven, The Cure - Phil/Felipe
Jukebox Hero, Foreigner - Eric M.
Livin', Lovin', Led Zeppelin - Tom C.
Beastie Boys - Paul and Eric
Fast Car, Tracy Chapman - Wes, aka Elroy
When I'm With You, Sheriff - Gordon
Flirting With Disaster, Molly Hatchet - Jen B.
I'd Really Love to See You Tonight, England Dan - Brent H.
Rough Boy, ZZ Top - Scott S.
Just Like Heaven, The Cure - Phil/Felipe
Jukebox Hero, Foreigner - Eric M.
Livin', Lovin', Led Zeppelin - Tom C.
Beastie Boys - Paul and Eric
Fast Car, Tracy Chapman - Wes, aka Elroy
When I'm With You, Sheriff - Gordon
Flirting With Disaster, Molly Hatchet - Jen B.
August 31, 2010
Erasure
And just when I thought I was (mostly) done thinking about Him, another random reminder. I thought I had deleted all evidence of him in my phone/computer if not my thoughts. Then today I was searching for an old email from someone else, and there he was in the middle of the Misc Saved folder. Of course I opened it to see which one it was and I know exactly why I saved it, but today it didn't read quite the same.
I think this is what "normal" feels like. It's still not all it's cracked up to be, but maybe it's time to learn to live with it.
I think this is what "normal" feels like. It's still not all it's cracked up to be, but maybe it's time to learn to live with it.
August 30, 2010
Virtually Immortal
When B was a baby, about 10 years ago, my sister-in-law was working on a booklet about newborn care for DHS. She asked if we would be her models for a photo of a mom breastfeeding her baby. At the time, her organization also had a very public campaign about the importance of getting a flu shot that included billboards near the interstate. After she assured me that the back of B's head would not be plastered all over the greater metropolitan area, I agreed to do it.
As promised, the whole thing was pretty painless. When the booklets were printed, she gave me a couple to put in B's time capsule. Then every once in awhile for a couple of years I would see the booklets in different places. I haven't seen the booklets in a couple of years, and had sort of forgotten about them.
Then the other day, my sister-in-law put me in touch with a friend of hers to do some graphic art work for our new business. Toward the end of the call, the friend asked if I was the sister-in-law that...Before she even finished, I knew what she was going to ask. I confirmed that I was indeed the breastfeeding mom from the booklet.
Today I looked to see if the booklet was still available. It was revised a couple of years ago, but the photos are the same. Although we didn't get a billboard, B and I can still be found on page 8.
As promised, the whole thing was pretty painless. When the booklets were printed, she gave me a couple to put in B's time capsule. Then every once in awhile for a couple of years I would see the booklets in different places. I haven't seen the booklets in a couple of years, and had sort of forgotten about them.
Then the other day, my sister-in-law put me in touch with a friend of hers to do some graphic art work for our new business. Toward the end of the call, the friend asked if I was the sister-in-law that...Before she even finished, I knew what she was going to ask. I confirmed that I was indeed the breastfeeding mom from the booklet.
Today I looked to see if the booklet was still available. It was revised a couple of years ago, but the photos are the same. Although we didn't get a billboard, B and I can still be found on page 8.
Recently Observed
The March Hare - on top of a building. Seriously. It didn't surprise me to see it, just surprised me that I hadn't noticed it before.
A dead armadillo - a bit unusual for our area, as we are just far enough north that we don't see them too often.
Duran Duran in Chinese - at least, it sounded an awful lot like a chorus of "don't say a prayer for me now". In Chinese.
The man with t-rex arms - I kid you not, his arms are disproportionately short for his height. Maybe it seems that way because I always sit directly across from him. Anyways, he reminds me of a t-rex.
Someone besides me acknowledged that L is smart. He is not intellectual, but damn, he is the kind of smart that gets stuff done, and I wish more people saw past the easy going good ol' boy and realized that he is a go-to guy.
I am a snob. I have suspected this at times, but am willing to admit it this time.
I have not seen any good talking animal commercials lately. I know, it's lame, but I love commercials featuring goofy animals that talk.
A dead armadillo - a bit unusual for our area, as we are just far enough north that we don't see them too often.
Duran Duran in Chinese - at least, it sounded an awful lot like a chorus of "don't say a prayer for me now". In Chinese.
The man with t-rex arms - I kid you not, his arms are disproportionately short for his height. Maybe it seems that way because I always sit directly across from him. Anyways, he reminds me of a t-rex.
Someone besides me acknowledged that L is smart. He is not intellectual, but damn, he is the kind of smart that gets stuff done, and I wish more people saw past the easy going good ol' boy and realized that he is a go-to guy.
I am a snob. I have suspected this at times, but am willing to admit it this time.
I have not seen any good talking animal commercials lately. I know, it's lame, but I love commercials featuring goofy animals that talk.
August 25, 2010
I, I
I want...
I need...
I could go on, but it doesn't do any good and I sound like the intro to an Ozzie song
I need...
I could go on, but it doesn't do any good and I sound like the intro to an Ozzie song
Totally Random
What is with the weird fascination with cupcakes? If I wanted that much frosting, I would just eat it out of the can.
New blog discovery for grammar nazis: www.unnecessaryquotes.com/
A shout out to Kate, who helps me keep things in perspective.
Crossing my fingers that the cooler weather that is predicted is a sign of fall, my favorite time of year anywhere, but especially after August in the South.
Lunch with L today to talk about "stuff".
New blog discovery for grammar nazis: www.unnecessaryquotes.com/
A shout out to Kate, who helps me keep things in perspective.
Crossing my fingers that the cooler weather that is predicted is a sign of fall, my favorite time of year anywhere, but especially after August in the South.
Lunch with L today to talk about "stuff".
August 23, 2010
Counting the Chickens
None of these items are a done deal, but they are all on my mind, and therefore considered legitimate blog material.
Signed the bill of sale for the Miata today :( Still have to finish up a few details, but the car is gone. This is the first car I have "lost" without totaling first LOL
Our new business venture has a verbal contract for 285 cars. Paperwork to be signed tomorrow if everything goes as planned.
Today makes a full week without hearing from My Own Personal Stalker (MOPS). Has she finally decided that I am not going to yield any useful information?
Signed the bill of sale for the Miata today :( Still have to finish up a few details, but the car is gone. This is the first car I have "lost" without totaling first LOL
Our new business venture has a verbal contract for 285 cars. Paperwork to be signed tomorrow if everything goes as planned.
Today makes a full week without hearing from My Own Personal Stalker (MOPS). Has she finally decided that I am not going to yield any useful information?
August 20, 2010
Cry Baby
There's no privacy in a convertible, so anyone who saw me driving down Cantrell could have seen me biting my lip and blinking my eyes and trying to drive like a normal person. If anyone had asked, I would have said this was my last ride in this car before it became someone else's. That wouldn't have been any cheesier than trying to explain why hearing this song out of nowhere had me sniffling like a baby.
A Day of Firsts
Yesterday was a day of "firsts". None terribly exciting, but here they are:
First day of school. Uneventful as far as I could tell.
First full day with Greg, got to know him better. May write more about him later, after I sort out what is real and what is not. After I see how he holds up against Dennis :-)
First time Y n H visited.
Also, we are most definitely going to sell the Miata. Kind of sucks, because it is a fun little car and the weather is about to be great for it, but we are going to make a profit on it, and that's hard to pass up right now.
Busy weekend coming up, between vacation recovery, Rhea Lana, and business.
First day of school. Uneventful as far as I could tell.
First full day with Greg, got to know him better. May write more about him later, after I sort out what is real and what is not. After I see how he holds up against Dennis :-)
First time Y n H visited.
Also, we are most definitely going to sell the Miata. Kind of sucks, because it is a fun little car and the weather is about to be great for it, but we are going to make a profit on it, and that's hard to pass up right now.
Busy weekend coming up, between vacation recovery, Rhea Lana, and business.
August 18, 2010
I Miss Him
Periodically, something will make me think of him. Pretty sure I am not done with the whole thing just yet, but I do try to avoid dwelling on it until I see how it shakes out.
August 15, 2010
Vacation Report
Highlights since my last post:
First I spent a week in DC for work. The conference part was OK. The little bit where I got to play tourist was great. I would definitely like to go back someday when I have time to really explore.
Next we drove to CO to see my parents. My grandma, aunt, cousin and her baby came at the same time. I also got to see my brother and his family, a good friend from high school, and assorted other friends and relatives. The other highlight besides catching up with family and friends was the weather, which was amazing, especially compared to here (I am blogging naked, if you care to know). We had a few hiccups on the road, but made it there and back in one piece and only slightly more broke than we expected.
The "personal" highlight of vacation was that the "dry spell" was broken and it too was amazing :-P
I also spent a fair amount of the last two weeks fending off the wife of my FB fling (see Him) which I will probably write about in a separate post. Until further incident though, the blog is once again open to the public.
The kids just left to go camping with grandparents, tomorrow is back to work, and school starts later in the week. I have some other stuff I want to write about later, but right now, I am going back to watching preseason football. The Broncos play in a couple of hours. I really hope I do not have to add a new "I Hate Tim Tebow" label to the blog!
Oh yeah, and in addition to having my own personal stalker, L's former boss thinks I am sending her hate mail ROFL. I can see why someone might be tempted, but anyone who knows me very well knows that if I really hated somebody, I wouldn't bother to give them the price of a stamp.
First I spent a week in DC for work. The conference part was OK. The little bit where I got to play tourist was great. I would definitely like to go back someday when I have time to really explore.
Next we drove to CO to see my parents. My grandma, aunt, cousin and her baby came at the same time. I also got to see my brother and his family, a good friend from high school, and assorted other friends and relatives. The other highlight besides catching up with family and friends was the weather, which was amazing, especially compared to here (I am blogging naked, if you care to know). We had a few hiccups on the road, but made it there and back in one piece and only slightly more broke than we expected.
The "personal" highlight of vacation was that the "dry spell" was broken and it too was amazing :-P
I also spent a fair amount of the last two weeks fending off the wife of my FB fling (see Him) which I will probably write about in a separate post. Until further incident though, the blog is once again open to the public.
The kids just left to go camping with grandparents, tomorrow is back to work, and school starts later in the week. I have some other stuff I want to write about later, but right now, I am going back to watching preseason football. The Broncos play in a couple of hours. I really hope I do not have to add a new "I Hate Tim Tebow" label to the blog!
Oh yeah, and in addition to having my own personal stalker, L's former boss thinks I am sending her hate mail ROFL. I can see why someone might be tempted, but anyone who knows me very well knows that if I really hated somebody, I wouldn't bother to give them the price of a stamp.
August 3, 2010
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Capitol
Actually, three things of note happened on the trip to DC -
- I was subjected to a “random pat down”. I panicked a little, but only because I was cutting it close on my boarding time. It went quickly, and I made my flight. Might be traumatic if it happens very often though.
- I heard a cute joke: A chicken and an egg are lying side by side. The chicken is smoking, and the egg looks pissed. The egg says “Well, I guess that answers the question of which of us came first”.
- I was reading the in-flight magazine that featured western locations. An ad for a restaurant that served rustic gourmet specialties included this description for Rocky Mountain Oysters: the remnants of the process of turning a bull into a steer – tastes like chicken. That’s a fancy way of saying bull testicles – and yes, they do taste like chicken.
July 31, 2010
California Lemonade
You will need:
1 bottle of cheap white wine
3-4 lemons
1/4 cup of sugar
Slice lemons and place in the bottom of a pitcher. Reserve 4-6 lemon slices for garnish. Add sugar to the pitcher. Mash lemon slices with a wooden spoon to make juice. Add wine and stir until sugar is dissolved. Serve in chilled glasses or over ice, depending on your preference. Garnish with a lemon slice.
1 bottle of cheap white wine
3-4 lemons
1/4 cup of sugar
Slice lemons and place in the bottom of a pitcher. Reserve 4-6 lemon slices for garnish. Add sugar to the pitcher. Mash lemon slices with a wooden spoon to make juice. Add wine and stir until sugar is dissolved. Serve in chilled glasses or over ice, depending on your preference. Garnish with a lemon slice.
Stuff I Know
By no means a comprehensive list ;-)
- A good way to stretch a bottle of cheap white wine is to make "California Lemonade". It's yummy, and if you're a hypocrite living in a dry county, it's a good way to drink without having to run over to the next county too often.
- That ability that men have to focus on one thing, and tune out the rest - sometimes it would be good to have.
- As much as I whine about not having enough "me" time, it's probably better I am not too often left to my own devices. DC, here I come!
- I am probably building up my pending vacation too much. It will be nice, but I bet nothing really changes as a result of it.
- I just lost my best friend. It sucks. I hope it doesn't take me another 20 years to find the next one.
- My husband is sexy when he is doing something. He is sexiest when he is doing something for me.
- That spider in the closet this morning, it kinda freaked me out. He was huge. Emphasis on was.
- My kids are still at the age where they love me unconditionally. I will probably find a way to sabotage that someday, but for now it is one of the things that keeps me going some days.
July 30, 2010
Scars
I would show you my scars
I would show you this one-
on the back of my finger,
this one, beside my elbow,
and this one, on top of my foot
I would show you scars I got from childhood
And scars I got from childbirth
I would show you scars I got from sharp edges
Maybe tell you about the ones I got from sharp words, and sharper memories
While you connected the dots and traced the lines
I would show you my scars
Like this one, caused by being careless
Or this one, caused by being stubborn
That one's new - I should have known to leave well enough alone
I would show you my scars
If it wasn't for making new wounds
I would show you this one-
on the back of my finger,
this one, beside my elbow,
and this one, on top of my foot
I would show you scars I got from childhood
And scars I got from childbirth
I would show you scars I got from sharp edges
Maybe tell you about the ones I got from sharp words, and sharper memories
While you connected the dots and traced the lines
I would show you my scars
Like this one, caused by being careless
Or this one, caused by being stubborn
That one's new - I should have known to leave well enough alone
I would show you my scars
If it wasn't for making new wounds
July 27, 2010
Letter to Her
Thanks for your concern, and for your generosity in giving him a choice. Whether he chooses you, I have no idea. I just know he didn't choose me, which actually makes life easier.
I do know that I went into our "relationship" with no expectations and that's how I'm leaving it. We made one agreement and one promise. We agreed that even though we couldn't explain what was going on between us exactly, we were willing to keep exploring it until it didn't make sense anymore. It quit making sense about the time you got involved, which is to be expected. We made a promise that we wouldn't bail on each other without saying a proper goodbye this time.
You say you can't be with somebody who loves someone else. Again, I have no idea about that. But I know that I don't want to be with somebody who would back out on a promise that easily, as if I wouldn't have understood.
So since I didn't get to say it to him, I'll say it to you - Goodbye.
Thanks again for the offer, but he's all yours, because he was never mine.
Your Friend,
Only for as long as it takes to change my identity
I do know that I went into our "relationship" with no expectations and that's how I'm leaving it. We made one agreement and one promise. We agreed that even though we couldn't explain what was going on between us exactly, we were willing to keep exploring it until it didn't make sense anymore. It quit making sense about the time you got involved, which is to be expected. We made a promise that we wouldn't bail on each other without saying a proper goodbye this time.
You say you can't be with somebody who loves someone else. Again, I have no idea about that. But I know that I don't want to be with somebody who would back out on a promise that easily, as if I wouldn't have understood.
So since I didn't get to say it to him, I'll say it to you - Goodbye.
Thanks again for the offer, but he's all yours, because he was never mine.
Your Friend,
Only for as long as it takes to change my identity
It's Only Tusday
It's only Tuesday, and I have a pretty good list. I hope it doesn't compound all week or I won't be able to concentrate on DC!
How to get gum out of fabric - and curses to the brat who left gum on a public slide
The 7 stages of grief/recovery/whatever - yeah, I am pretty much stuck between self-pity and being pissed off
Having your own stalker is not all that
How one of us can be unemployed and yet organizing a travel/vacation schedule didn't get any easier
What a pain in the butt it is to start a new business - f***ing bureaucracy
The inherent smell of pee in a place frequented by males - can't smell it but I dreamed about it last night?!?
Vacation - I already have a full week planned and there's gonna be a party!!!
Work - other than the imminent pay cut, I am liking my job a whole lot right now
How I am currently coveting satellite radio in the Miata - regular radio sucks
The sudden infestation of crickets - sure my dad would say to check the almanac
How to get gum out of fabric - and curses to the brat who left gum on a public slide
The 7 stages of grief/recovery/whatever - yeah, I am pretty much stuck between self-pity and being pissed off
Having your own stalker is not all that
How one of us can be unemployed and yet organizing a travel/vacation schedule didn't get any easier
What a pain in the butt it is to start a new business - f***ing bureaucracy
The inherent smell of pee in a place frequented by males - can't smell it but I dreamed about it last night?!?
Vacation - I already have a full week planned and there's gonna be a party!!!
Work - other than the imminent pay cut, I am liking my job a whole lot right now
How I am currently coveting satellite radio in the Miata - regular radio sucks
The sudden infestation of crickets - sure my dad would say to check the almanac
July 26, 2010
Putting Away Memories
Many people don't know that there is a method to putting away memories. Trust me, I am an expert at this. Stick with me, and I'll tell you how.
You start by putting away the memories that are the hardest to give away. You know, the warm fuzzy memories of laughter and good times. It may seem strange to put away the memories you most want to hold onto, but you'll thank me later for this. Next come the in-between memories, such as frustration, annoyance and misunderstanding. Those can go. Lastly come the "heavy" memories, such as anger, hurt and sadness. You've held onto these for long enough. They weigh down the others.
Now flip your memory box upside down and put it away.
Someday, you'll decide to pull those memories out for some reason. If you've done it like I suggested, the best memories should be right on top. They may be a little faded, a little musty, but you'll have them refreshed in no time. You might be tempted to dig a little deeper, but you'll discover that those other memories don't hold the same magic, and hopefully just leave them alone. Better to enjoy your like new and possibly improved memories of the way things were.
If reality does threaten to intrude, and the memories don't retain their shine, you look into that box and do one of two things: remember why you kept those memories, or remember why you put them away.
You start by putting away the memories that are the hardest to give away. You know, the warm fuzzy memories of laughter and good times. It may seem strange to put away the memories you most want to hold onto, but you'll thank me later for this. Next come the in-between memories, such as frustration, annoyance and misunderstanding. Those can go. Lastly come the "heavy" memories, such as anger, hurt and sadness. You've held onto these for long enough. They weigh down the others.
Now flip your memory box upside down and put it away.
Someday, you'll decide to pull those memories out for some reason. If you've done it like I suggested, the best memories should be right on top. They may be a little faded, a little musty, but you'll have them refreshed in no time. You might be tempted to dig a little deeper, but you'll discover that those other memories don't hold the same magic, and hopefully just leave them alone. Better to enjoy your like new and possibly improved memories of the way things were.
If reality does threaten to intrude, and the memories don't retain their shine, you look into that box and do one of two things: remember why you kept those memories, or remember why you put them away.
Feeling Words
I have officially entered my first writing contest. Actually I entered three: a poem, a romance between two leprechauns (don't ask), and a short story.
The interesting thing about the short story is that I started it right before things went sideways with Him. It is only vaguely autobiographical, borrowing a few details while mostly trying to capture a "feeling". I don't especially like the story, but that's probably because instead of a happy ending, it had a grown-up ending.
I may try to write about the ending to the real story too, when I figure out what that feels like.
The interesting thing about the short story is that I started it right before things went sideways with Him. It is only vaguely autobiographical, borrowing a few details while mostly trying to capture a "feeling". I don't especially like the story, but that's probably because instead of a happy ending, it had a grown-up ending.
I may try to write about the ending to the real story too, when I figure out what that feels like.
July 23, 2010
Stuff I Really Don't Like
- tomatoes
- clutter
- not being taken seriously
- feeling left out
- letting someone else have the last word
- summer in the South
- uncertainty
- fried eggs
- when the idea in my head doesn't come out the same on paper
- water
- worrying about money
- beetles and june bugs
- cleaning up other people's messes
- when people stand too close
- people who don't think the same rules apply to them that apply to everyone else
- people who tip for crap
- intolerance
- girls between the ages of about 11 and 16
- rap music
- reality tv
- most things Disney
- Wal-Mart
- the Dallas Cowboys
- right-wing tv commentators
- people who are unjustifiably stuck up
- wastefulness
- excuses
- rush hour traffic
- walking on a gritty surface
- dark beer
July 21, 2010
Somewhere in Between
He says it’s hot as hell in here
She says it not that bad
They smile and find the comfort in
The truth, it’s in between
She says they’ve gone too far
He says they’re close enough
She wishes they could just admit
The truth, they’re in between
She ventures do you think we should
He says let’s wait awhile
She hesitates but wants to tell
The truth, she’s in between
He says I think I know it
She says he could be right
He wonders if she knows about
The truth, he’s in between
He says he’d kind of like to
She says it can’t be done
He reckons both of them are right
The truth, it’s in between
She says it’s fine, I’ll do it
He says he doesn’t mind
They both suspect the other of
The truth, it’s in between
She says do you remember when
He claims he has forgotten
She knows that isn’t quite
The truth, it's in between
He says I don't suppose
She says you don’t propose
They smile and find the comfort in
The truth, it’s in between
She says it not that bad
They smile and find the comfort in
The truth, it’s in between
She says they’ve gone too far
He says they’re close enough
She wishes they could just admit
The truth, they’re in between
She ventures do you think we should
He says let’s wait awhile
She hesitates but wants to tell
The truth, she’s in between
He says I think I know it
She says he could be right
He wonders if she knows about
The truth, he’s in between
He says he’d kind of like to
She says it can’t be done
He reckons both of them are right
The truth, it’s in between
She says it’s fine, I’ll do it
He says he doesn’t mind
They both suspect the other of
The truth, it’s in between
She says do you remember when
He claims he has forgotten
She knows that isn’t quite
The truth, it's in between
He says I don't suppose
She says you don’t propose
They smile and find the comfort in
The truth, it’s in between
July 19, 2010
Drama for the Day
Since I can't decide which is the bigger "news", I'll just list the drama of the day in random order:
1) A body was recovered and identified as my cousin Rick. He was first reported missing on July 1, 2010.
2) B got hit by a car while riding his bike to school this morning. Not sure of the details, because I think he is trying to tell it without getting himself in trouble. But he's OK, his bike is OK, and we have thoroughly reviewed the rules of him riding his bike.
3) The saga of him continues. I do not even know where to start except to say that the fictionalized short-story version I was working on suddenly seems ignorant in comparison. Truth really is stranger than fiction.
4) L talked to his parents today about losing his job and his plans for starting a business. They were surprisingly supportive, so that turned out to be not much drama after all.
1) A body was recovered and identified as my cousin Rick. He was first reported missing on July 1, 2010.
2) B got hit by a car while riding his bike to school this morning. Not sure of the details, because I think he is trying to tell it without getting himself in trouble. But he's OK, his bike is OK, and we have thoroughly reviewed the rules of him riding his bike.
3) The saga of him continues. I do not even know where to start except to say that the fictionalized short-story version I was working on suddenly seems ignorant in comparison. Truth really is stranger than fiction.
4) L talked to his parents today about losing his job and his plans for starting a business. They were surprisingly supportive, so that turned out to be not much drama after all.
July 13, 2010
Music Lessons
B is certainly not going to inherit any musical ability from me. But after listening to Radio Disney all the way home yesterday, I have decided that I owe it to both of us to at least teach him some basic music appreciation. He has the entire Beatle's boxed set on his mp3 player, which is a good start. He identifies songs by the movies or commercials, which at least means he's listening. He has favorites on Guitar Hero, which is something I guess.
I think the next step is to help him start distinguishing between good, bad and ordinary, the criteria of course being what I am willing to listen to :)
His first test will be his ability to identify the following:
~ Ozzy/Black Sabbath
~ Metallica
~ Nirvana
~ Beastie Boys
~ Green Day
~ Bob Marley
~ The Who
~ The Ramones
~ Johnny Cash
~ the use of a voice modulator
~ bass line/chord progression
We will work our way up to him being able to tell the difference between a cover and the original, as well as the difference between talent and celebrity.
Oh, I know he'll outgrow Radio Disney eventually, but I think I'll just help speed the process along :) Remind me in five years, when he he is listening to some total crap, that I encouraged this very thing!
I think the next step is to help him start distinguishing between good, bad and ordinary, the criteria of course being what I am willing to listen to :)
His first test will be his ability to identify the following:
~ Ozzy/Black Sabbath
~ Metallica
~ Nirvana
~ Beastie Boys
~ Green Day
~ Bob Marley
~ The Who
~ The Ramones
~ Johnny Cash
~ the use of a voice modulator
~ bass line/chord progression
We will work our way up to him being able to tell the difference between a cover and the original, as well as the difference between talent and celebrity.
Oh, I know he'll outgrow Radio Disney eventually, but I think I'll just help speed the process along :) Remind me in five years, when he he is listening to some total crap, that I encouraged this very thing!
July 12, 2010
Lowered Expectations
I am an expert at lowered expectations. Just when an outsider might think I have reached an new low, I find a way to rationalize, or accommodate, or blatantly ignore, and "make do". Some of the concessions I make are probably not that dramatic, just what you do when you are the wife, the mom or the employee who wants to see everything go smoothly. But sometimes I get really tired of being the one whose schedule, or needs, or interests, come last.
The last time I made a scene about it, I scored a minor point. I now get one Saturday a month to do my own thing. I go to a writers' group meeting, which is pretty interesting. Not a lot to show for it yet, but I have met some new people and at least started trying to write on a regular basis.
I am about to make a scene again. Not sure yet quite what point I want to make, and definitely not sure how it will turn out. But I have been thinking a lot about it, and I think I am going to start by expecting better, if not the best.
The last time I made a scene about it, I scored a minor point. I now get one Saturday a month to do my own thing. I go to a writers' group meeting, which is pretty interesting. Not a lot to show for it yet, but I have met some new people and at least started trying to write on a regular basis.
I am about to make a scene again. Not sure yet quite what point I want to make, and definitely not sure how it will turn out. But I have been thinking a lot about it, and I think I am going to start by expecting better, if not the best.
Making Amends
We used to have a tenant who was on meth. L talked with him a few times about either cleaning up, or moving out, and generally being a better tenant. The guy finally moved out, owing us a bit of money. L said he was sorry to see him go, as he seemed like a nice guy who just got in with some bad people, and he would have liked to see him get his act together.
Fast forward to the other night. The guy called, and is apparently coming off rehab and is in Narcotics Anonymous. Not sure off the top of my head what the "steps" are, but if they are close to AA they have something to do with accepting responsibility, making amends, etc. Long story short, he called to find out how much money he owed us so he could begin repaying his debt.
I am glad that he has taken steps to get clean. I sincerely hope it works out for him, even if we never see a dime.
Fast forward to the other night. The guy called, and is apparently coming off rehab and is in Narcotics Anonymous. Not sure off the top of my head what the "steps" are, but if they are close to AA they have something to do with accepting responsibility, making amends, etc. Long story short, he called to find out how much money he owed us so he could begin repaying his debt.
I am glad that he has taken steps to get clean. I sincerely hope it works out for him, even if we never see a dime.
July 10, 2010
Which Tony Did You Get?
We have a tenant who is bipolar. L used to complain about him because he was always calling for some weird reason. L was gone for awhile and I had to collect rent. T would call and ask if I was coming by, and he was always on time, and nice about it. I couldn't figure out why L didn't like him. That's when he told me that T was bipolar. Now we crack jokes about how schizo T always calls L, and normal T always calls me.
T collects disability, and doesn't work. He pays his rent on time, but in small bills. I asked L if he thought T was dealing, but he said no, he just works for cash. He's actually really smart, just can't work a lot of regular jobs because of his diagnosis.
"Really smart" apparently doesn't do him justice. L was talking to him the other day about his business idea. T has cash money, a lot of cash money, and is willing to invest in the business. So L was talking to me about it and says nothing is for sure yet, and of course he will get an agreement signed that lays out the terms.
My thoughts, in about this order: What kind of jobs does he do again, to have that kind of money sitting around? If he has that kind of cash around all the time, no wonder he is paranoid. And why the hell didn't Larry get something signed right then? You know, in case generous T isn't there on the day L is ready to go into business?
T collects disability, and doesn't work. He pays his rent on time, but in small bills. I asked L if he thought T was dealing, but he said no, he just works for cash. He's actually really smart, just can't work a lot of regular jobs because of his diagnosis.
"Really smart" apparently doesn't do him justice. L was talking to him the other day about his business idea. T has cash money, a lot of cash money, and is willing to invest in the business. So L was talking to me about it and says nothing is for sure yet, and of course he will get an agreement signed that lays out the terms.
My thoughts, in about this order: What kind of jobs does he do again, to have that kind of money sitting around? If he has that kind of cash around all the time, no wonder he is paranoid. And why the hell didn't Larry get something signed right then? You know, in case generous T isn't there on the day L is ready to go into business?
Intro to the Slumlord Chronicles
L and I own some rental property. Not a lot, just one house and 12 apartments. The tenant of our house is great - mostly pays his rent on time, and in return he is very low maintenance. The apartments, on the other hand, are filled with an assortment of losers and weirdos. We currently rent to two registered sex offenders and a junk man who looks like Charlie Daniels (if Charlie Daniels wore sweat pants and flip flops), among others. Sad thing is, the tenants we have right now are not bad, relatively speaking. While they are not problem-free, they do pay their rent, and they generally offer something in the way of entertainment value.
In fact, things have been pretty quiet over there for most of the summer so far. The most interesting thing to happen recently was on the 4th of July. C and B decided to set off fireworks, which was fine. They managed to catch one of the trees on the fence row on fire. Apparently it wasn't an all out blaze, just smoldering, but the sad thing is that it didn't occur to either of them to get the hose and put it out. Luckily, L was there and noticed it.
Anyways, mostly a decent group of tenants right now, but that could change at any time.
In fact, things have been pretty quiet over there for most of the summer so far. The most interesting thing to happen recently was on the 4th of July. C and B decided to set off fireworks, which was fine. They managed to catch one of the trees on the fence row on fire. Apparently it wasn't an all out blaze, just smoldering, but the sad thing is that it didn't occur to either of them to get the hose and put it out. Luckily, L was there and noticed it.
Anyways, mostly a decent group of tenants right now, but that could change at any time.
July 9, 2010
To the Big Guy on the Little Bike
To the Big Guy on the Little Bike:
OK, true, I could stop right there and it would be funny enough, but the truth is you were not being funny at all.
First, you were driving way too fast, which is your own business. You were driving recklessly, which makes it mine. Bright blue shirt notwithstanding, bikers are harder to see in traffic, even when drivers are watching for you. But when you come flying around people, cutting in and out of traffic, you are a danger to yourself and to others. You give responsible bikers a bad rep, and make drivers less willing to share the road you.
Second, you need to learn to ride before you get out on the road. (You may have been in front of me, but I still saw you choke it in the intersection.) Then, when you learn to drive that little bitty bike, you can get a bigger bike that will actually carry your fat ass and do 90 without whining.
Your Skinnier, Bike-riding Friend
OK, true, I could stop right there and it would be funny enough, but the truth is you were not being funny at all.
First, you were driving way too fast, which is your own business. You were driving recklessly, which makes it mine. Bright blue shirt notwithstanding, bikers are harder to see in traffic, even when drivers are watching for you. But when you come flying around people, cutting in and out of traffic, you are a danger to yourself and to others. You give responsible bikers a bad rep, and make drivers less willing to share the road you.
Second, you need to learn to ride before you get out on the road. (You may have been in front of me, but I still saw you choke it in the intersection.) Then, when you learn to drive that little bitty bike, you can get a bigger bike that will actually carry your fat ass and do 90 without whining.
Your Skinnier, Bike-riding Friend
July 7, 2010
Stress
I hold my stress in by clenching my teeth. Weird thing is, my teeth aren't what hurt, it's my back right between my upper shoulder blades. I can feel it now, what a stressful couple of weeks it has been.
My cousin Rick has been missing since last Thursday. Local authorities have been searching without success. The National Guard was called, but all they did was make a pass through in a helicopter, and then abandon the search. The search area has been widened, and they have agreed to let civilian search groups join in the effort. They are still operating on the assumption that he fell in the canal. Whether he is in or out at this point, the chances are not looking good.
L got his 3rd and final corrective (I read it. It was a joke). He is not sure when his last day will be, or even if they will give him notice. Because he will be considered terminated, he will lose any accrued vacation. They have also told him they will fight him on unemployment, but he is documenting enough stuff to fight back. In the meantime, he has been doing a ton of research into his business idea. As with anything, it will cost money to make money. I am very stressed about this right now.
Amanda wants to be released. I totally understand where she's coming from, but I am pretty sure I am not going to change her mind. From a selfish standpoint, this sucks for me. I like Amanda and do not want to look for a replacement already. At least we are friends and can remain so, but again, it's a little stressful. She is leaving me outnumbered by the crazy lady and her sidekick.
Add to this the stress of other people I care about, stupid people I can't do anything about, and assorted other crap. You wouldn't know I am stressed by looking at me, but you would know it by listening to me. Any stress that doesn't sit squarely on my shoulders comes right back out of my mouth in less than helpful ways, like meaningless babble, your basic whining, or sarcastic criticism. My mouth has mostly stayed shut, at least this week, but my shoulders are killing me.
My cousin Rick has been missing since last Thursday. Local authorities have been searching without success. The National Guard was called, but all they did was make a pass through in a helicopter, and then abandon the search. The search area has been widened, and they have agreed to let civilian search groups join in the effort. They are still operating on the assumption that he fell in the canal. Whether he is in or out at this point, the chances are not looking good.
L got his 3rd and final corrective (I read it. It was a joke). He is not sure when his last day will be, or even if they will give him notice. Because he will be considered terminated, he will lose any accrued vacation. They have also told him they will fight him on unemployment, but he is documenting enough stuff to fight back. In the meantime, he has been doing a ton of research into his business idea. As with anything, it will cost money to make money. I am very stressed about this right now.
Amanda wants to be released. I totally understand where she's coming from, but I am pretty sure I am not going to change her mind. From a selfish standpoint, this sucks for me. I like Amanda and do not want to look for a replacement already. At least we are friends and can remain so, but again, it's a little stressful. She is leaving me outnumbered by the crazy lady and her sidekick.
Add to this the stress of other people I care about, stupid people I can't do anything about, and assorted other crap. You wouldn't know I am stressed by looking at me, but you would know it by listening to me. Any stress that doesn't sit squarely on my shoulders comes right back out of my mouth in less than helpful ways, like meaningless babble, your basic whining, or sarcastic criticism. My mouth has mostly stayed shut, at least this week, but my shoulders are killing me.
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