Panic Attack

I was chatting with an acquaintance tonight and she mentioned that she was impressed that I could get up in front of 600 people to talk without panicking. She said that she has to take a Xanax and get a priesthood blessing just to give a talk in church. She is not the only person I have heard say something like that. I feel bad for those people, but I do not understand what it feels like to be them in that situation. I get nervous, and I worry about things, and I have a brain that jumps all over the place as it tries to keep up with my mouth, but I am not really prone to all out panic. 

The other night I woke up with what I imagine a panic attack might feel like. I was gasping, and getting very upset that I could not seem to get a deep breath, or get control of the situation. When I quit freaking out, my chest hurt and the bed was destroyed. I remembered that I fell asleep thinking about someone I used to know and a possible post I have been wanting to write. I looked at the clock and saw that only about 30 minutes had passed since I went to bed so it hadn't been long enough to be in a deep sleep. If anything, I must have arrived at the edge of the place where reality and dreaming sort of blurred together.

Was it a panic attack? Having never had one, I can't really say. And it's not like I am going to ask anyone. Then I would be comparing myself to someone who had a legitimate, medically-recognized condition shared by millions of people world wide. I am just stupid. And while I definitely know stupid when I see it, it's not the same as diagnosable. So why is it that the idea of speaking to a crowd of 600 people makes me only slightly nervous, but the thought of never seeing or talking to Him again is enough to generate the kind of fit that would wake me from a dead sleep with the whole center of my being feeling like I had been run over?