Oh Henrie

The Henrie family had five boys. Mike, the oldest, who I really don't remember. Greg, who did a few too many drugs and was fun to mess with, but not to take seriously. Gary, who was three years older than me. We wrote while he was on his mission, and went out a couple of times. David, who was a year younger then me. We also went out a couple of times. And Brent, who was a year older than me, and the one I liked the most. My mom used to tease me that I seemed determined to marry a Henrie boy.

I didn't marry Brent, or even come close, but we had a lot of fun. He drove a '76 T-top TransAm, which I loved to ride in. He was a flirt, and a great dancer, and did a good Eddie Murphy impersonation. He was a hugger :) We wrote a few times in college, and then sort of lost touch. My mom runs into him from time to time, and says he always asks about me. I think if I still lived there, our families could probably be friends.

Oh That Smell

Well crap. On a night when I was exhausted, at the beginning of the week when I really needed the sleep, I woke up halfway through the night and never quite went back to sleep.

I know why though. I had a dream. In my dream, I was going out for the evening with Him. Not sure where we were going, but we were dressed up. At some point we decided to go to a low-rent gambling place. We got separated. When we met up again, we hugged and he smelled amazing. I think that is what woke me up, and everything that came after was me trying to get back to the good part of the dream. It must have been the smell I was chasing, because he was being a bit of a jerk. There was some fence-climbing, and a fight over a hammer, and a break-up of the impromptu band over creative differences. At some point during the meeting with the owners of the racehorse I leaned over and caught a faint whiff, but then it was over.

I am annoyed this morning for several reasons. First, I am tired. Second, I am annoyed that in my dream I was following him around waiting for something that wasn't likely to happen. It was an interesting dream otherwise. Third, when I am tired, I am grumpy. I don't want to be grumpy, so instead of spending my commute to work trying to analyze the dream, I am going to think about all of the other people I have known who smelled good.

Starting with my dad, who always smelled like work and outdoors, in a good way. And Brent H, who usually smelled of Polo, even when he was sweaty :)

Stuff I Miss

Missing stuff on my mind this week:

1. Colorado, especially Denver, family and my friend Jules.
2. When I subsisted on a diet of alcohol and Denny's without gaining weight.
3. Having a social life.
4. For that matter, having a day where I could do absolutely whatever I wanted, including nothing at all.
5. And yeah, hate to admit it, but I miss having you-know-who to talk to about stuff, like work, and life, and football.

Mail Bags

Something that happened today prompted me to remember a conversation from a while back. It occurred shortly after my husband lost his job, when I found out this his former boss was accusing me of sending her hate mail:

Me: Why would Michelle think I was sending her hate mail?
L: Because someone is sending her hate mail.
Me: How come you didn't tell me about it (the accusation)?
L: Because I knew it wasn't you.
Me: Cool, thanks. Did you tell her that I it couldn't be me, because if I really hated somebody I wouldn't waste my energy or the price of stamp on their sorry ass?
L: No, I told her it couldn't be you because if it was you, you would have found a way to make her life miserable without her seeing it coming or knowing where it came from.

His assessment isn't exactly accurate, but neither is it completely out of line :) Anyways, something that happened today made me recall that conversation. I wouldn't have that same conversation per se, but if I were still speaking to Him, I might be tempted to ask "Should I ignore her, or is it OK to screw with her head some more, since I have nothing better to do?"

I wouldn't do something like that anyway.  No fun to be had messing with someone who already has issues.

Like a Period

Not that I am keeping track exactly. Just that every time I forget to anticipate it, there it is.

That's Just Wrong

Our neighbor's 14 year-old daughter had her baby. She is home, but the baby is in the ICU. It was born five weeks, or five years, too soon, depending on how you look at it.

Skin Quotient

I once read an article once about something called a skin quotient. The term was used to explain an individual's need for skin-to-skin contact with another person. The article explained why some people seem more touchy-feely, and what one might do if he or she was dealing with someone who had a vastly different skin quotient.

This article has stuck with me for a long time. I even tried to explain it to my husband. Sometimes at the end of the day, I would say that I had not gotten my skin quotient. He would patiently permit me to curl up against him for awhile, maybe 10 minutes max, before saying only half jokingly "Have you gotten your skin quotient yet?", which was his subtle way of saying he was ready for me to move to my own side of the bed.

Now he spends most nights in a chair, and any contact from him is pretty much incidental. At the opposite end of the spectrum, I had a boyfriend once who liked to wrap his arms around me and hold me all night. I am certainly not complaining about it, I just didn't "need" that much touch to be content. Ideally, somewhere in between is fine.

These days, most of my skin quotient is filled by my kids. B has not quite reached the age where it is uncool to show affection for a parent, although I worry that day is coming soon. The twins are still at an age where they are very generous with hugs and like to cuddle. I try to let this be enough, although sometimes I freak them out by holding on a little too tight or a little too long. I don't try to explain to them why, I just tell them that's what moms do.

Then I make a silent wish that they don't grow up and away too soon.

Signs

Signs I am strung a little tighter than usual this week:

1. I am achy all over, from getting hurt, and being sick, and generally having stress.
2. When I am not doped up from the medicine, I am acting like a three year old - a lot of unfocused energy, but with an attention span the length of my pinkie finger.
3. I am cranky, but not in the usual "no time for idiots" way I am cranky. I am cranky in the way that everything makes me want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.
4. For that matter, the most ridiculous things make me weepy. I did that thing I hate, where I get emotional and whiny, in front of complete strangers not once, but twice this week. I really hate that.
5. I am avoiding people and situations that I don't feel like dealing with, even though I know I am only delaying the inevitable and making it harder for myself later.
6. I am having a harder time than usual seeing a bright spot, even though I know part of my tension is only temporary and/or caused by not feeling well.

OK, enough whining. Going to bed now.

Avocado, Day Whatever

I finally got around to putting it in a bigger pot. It will need to come inside soon, but for now it is on the front porch, where the biggest challenge is keeping the ****ing neighbor kid away from it. Now we wait for it to grow thicker, so that it will support fruit. I have never gotten one to stay alive this long, so I have no idea how long it will take.

Advice and Observations

Since you asked :)

1.  Never say something in front of a three year old that you wouldn't want repeated at church.
2.  Don't be surprised if a blogger you are following who claims to have ADD suddenly quits blogging to open a pet store.
3.  Be prepared to handle the consequences if you take it upon yourself to educate someone who believes ignorance is bliss.
4.  If you want to practice your lip-reading skills, don't watch Josh McDaniels. There was zero challenge in figuring out what he was saying yesterday at least.
5.  If somebody mows your lawn for free, it is apparently too much to ask that:
     ~ he put things back where they belong when he is done
     ~ he clean up the clippings, at least in front of the door
     ~ he give your dog fresh water, minus the clippings
6. Just because they air an all-day marathon of The Dukes of Hazzard does not mean you have to watch the all-day marathon of The Dukes of Hazzard.

Crazy Dreams

I can't remember the last time I had a dream that I could recall when I woke up. But this weekend I had two, both of which are still vivid.

In the first, I was subpoenaed to be a witness in divorce court for someone else. I am not even sure that is possible, but it is still sort of disconcerting.

In the second, I arrived at a family event to find all of my stuff waiting in a pile for me to take as I was evicted from the family. A weird thing about this dream, besides the obvious, was that the pile included other people's crap too, which I seemed to load up and take with me without question. Hah, like I would ever deal with other people's baggage and unwanted junk without complaining.

Then, as I am writing this, I am informed by my boss that I will "have" to do something. Anyone who knows me knows that upon being told I "have" to do anything, or feeling that I am expected to do something without being given a choice, I get quite annoyed.

As if I wasn't already feeling crappy enough, and having dreams I would just as soon forget, I am now just pissy in general. Monday used to be my favorite day of the week.

Musical Memories - Part 2

More musical memories, associated less with a specific person and more with a memory in general:

Grease Soundtrack - 4th grade
Air Supply - synonymous with 8th grade dances
Jack and Diane, John Cougar - 8th grade in general
Centerfold, J. Geils Band - two weeks in New Mexico
Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler - volleyball bus full of freshman girls (worse than karaoke)
Rock Me Amadeus, Falco - cruising main in a Mustang
Dance, G**dammit, The Sparks - Band bus
Never Say Goodbye, Bon Jovi - Senior year
Meatloaf - driving to Keystone Lake with Shawn and DD
Erasure and Wild Thing, Tone-Loc - Clubbing with boyfriend's roommate 'cause boyfriend had to work :-)
Love Hurts, Nazareth - driving Jerry to the airport to pick up plane tickets
I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston - Inside joke with L
T-R-O-U-B-L-E, Travis Tritt - the DJ played it while security escorted us out
Sail Away, Enya - The Thursday Night Threesome
Friends in Low Places, Garth Brooks - taking the shuttle back to the parking lot from Oktoberfest
Only God Knows Why, Kid Rock - the spring that B was born
Jeremiah was a Bullfrog, Three Dog Night - babysitting a charter bus full of state legislators

So Who's on Third?

Dennis is a little weird, but basically a good guy. His girlfriend is nice enough, but a lot weird, in several ways.

They had a roommate for awhile. She seemed normal. We couldn't figure out what she was doing with the two of them. Then she wasn't their roommate anymore.

Now they have a different roommate. The first account of any conversation with her went something like:

G: So she's his girlfriend (points to girlfriend and Dennis)
RM: yes
G: and you're their girlfriend? (points to roommate)
RM: (in a bitchy voice) NO, I am her girlfriend (points to first girlfriend)

So L is telling me about the conversation and I have to ask about the first roommate. Was that situation what we thought it was? Sort of.

Turns out Dennis invited that girl home to be their roommate/third partner. For whatever reason it didn't work out. So he invited the second girl home, same scenario. Only now Dennis' girlfriend and her girlfriend sleep together and drive around in my Miata. Dennis paid for the Miata and sleeps on the couch.

And that is where being a basically nice guy gets you in my apartment complex.

Edge of the World

I went to the edge of the world today
To see what I could see
The view was nice, the sky was wide
And time stood still it seemed

I went to the edge of the world today
To make myself be heard
The wind was but a whisper
But it took away the words

I went to the edge of the world today
To listen for a voice
The only sound was silence
And so I made a choice

I went to the edge of the world today
And this is what I saw
The view from there compared to here
Is not so different after all

I went to the edge of the world today
To see what I would find
I didn't take away as much
As what I left behind

I went to the edge of the world today
And said goodbye to him
And as I walked away I knew
The world would turn again

I went to the edge of the world today
And left reluctantly
But I'll go back until I find
A world that's made for me

Letter to Him

To My Favorite Rollercoaster Operator:

You tried to tell me that when the end came it should be short and sweet. In my typical fashion, I didn't really listen, except to the parts I wanted to hear. I will try to do better.

I didn't write before now because I wasn't sure what to say. I kept hoping that if I waited long enough, I might not have to say anything at all. Thing is, I am tired of waiting. I have spent too much time thinking "When X happens, then...", or "If Y happens, things will be different". That kind of thinking makes for an interesting conversation, but at the end I am always right back where I started. It works for a rollercoaster ride, but it doesn't work for real life. You know and I know that I will always be looking for something more.

As for you, I hope you find your version of happiness too. I really do. If you get bored waiting for it, I am currently staking out the vacant lot at the edge of town until the next carnival comes through. Seriously, if it turns out to be something you want to talk about, I'll be right here where I always am.

Until then, Mr. Rollercoaster Operator, thanks for the ride. It was fun while it lasted.

Still Your Friend if You Want,
Me

Fearless Love

Not normally a fan, but this song works for me today:

Odds and Ends

I went to the edge of the world.

OK, not really, but it's a good line, and a nice way of describing the view from Petit Jean Mountain.  We took the bike out for the day yesterday, which we haven't done in a while. It was a great day as far as weather, minimal traffic, and all that.

One of my favorite things about being on the bike is having time to just think and observe. The most interesting things I saw, besides generally nice scenery, were the sculpture garden of repurposed farm implements and the big lady in the little cart being pulled by a pony. Oh, and also the addition of a traffic circle in the middle of nowhere, where it used to be just a three-way intersection. Weird.

Speaking of weird, I also kept thinking of the guys I saw in the park a couple of days ago. Three guys were sword-fighting. With wooden swords and plywood shields. Day off from working at the used game store?

Besides checking out the view, and composing a poem using that opening line, I also had this thought running through my head:

The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off (Gloria Steinem)

I'm Tired (More Whining)

My permanent headache is back. The timing sucks, because I have neither the time nor the money to indulge in self-pity right now. The reasons for both are the same:

Trying to get new business up and running
F***ing bureaucracy
Gearing up for busiest time of year at work
CSP and all that drama

And I think I was wrong about something important. Nobody likes to admit that, which is why I am only sort of admitting it, and in a place no one who cares will actually see it.

Mostly I am tired. Of everything.

Musical Memories - Part 1

A while back, I mentioned that a certain song held some sort of emotional memories for me. Actually, I associate quite a few singers or songs with people, places or events. I'll start with songs that remind me of certain people. Most of these are farther in the past than the one that got me the other day, so they invite nostalgia more than emotion. Humor me if you will:

I'd Really Love to See You Tonight, England Dan - Brent H.
Rough Boy, ZZ Top - Scott S.
Just Like Heaven, The Cure - Phil/Felipe
Jukebox Hero, Foreigner - Eric M.
Livin', Lovin', Led Zeppelin - Tom C.
Beastie Boys - Paul and Eric
Fast Car, Tracy Chapman - Wes, aka Elroy
When I'm With You, Sheriff - Gordon
Flirting With Disaster, Molly Hatchet - Jen B.