Bittersweet

I haven't posted in so long because a: I have been busy and b: I have so many things going through my head at any given time that I have a hard time focusing on just one idea. Any attempt to post usually winds up being just another list of random thoughts. To wit:

• I have decided that something I hate even more than I hate reality TV - the morons who watch it, and perpetuate its very existence. On the other hand, the lack of intelligent programming means I finally got around to watching The Other F Word, which was funny and poignant and a little disturbing but mostly though-provoking.

• Paul Thorn at the Rev Room was amazing! He is like a younger Steve Goodman, only in the persona of a meth head preacher's son from Mississippi.
• The school shooting in Connecticut - almost a week later and I am still trying to wrap my head around the awfulness of it.
• Not ready for Christmas at all. I should be making chocolates instead of blogging, travel plans are undecided, and damn it all to hell, I am not going to get through it without a trip to Wally World. I am such a failure :-/
• Actually looked for signs of my old friend Bubba today. Maybe because I have too much alone time lately, maybe because I am feeling very disconnected from the people in my life, maybe just because.
• How I am one of the only people in my family to have gone to college. It didn't make me any smarter than most of them, but it did certainly give me a broader view of the world than some of my idiot cousins.
• I finally have a smart phone. I never thought I "needed" one but I like it, when I can get it away from my kids : )
• Feeling guilty I have not completed the anthology for writers' group. I am always very motivated when I leave the meeting, but then lose steam. I have decided I would get more from critique group if I could work it out.
• "Single life" is turning out to not be so different from married life. B and I seem to be doing alright this week. D has a shiner and L is about to lose a tooth. Other than looking like a total welfare family as we drive down the street, life is OK.
• Loving the Broncos this year. Still not Peyton Manning's biggest fan, but he has raised the bar for some players who were merely promising before.

OK, finally getting my head cleared. Time to make truffles. Last night's were white rum. Tonight it's bittersweet orange. They are not as pretty as Dianna's, but they are soooooo good.

Oh yeah, and for no reason whatsoever, except that he is hot:

Forward

What a very weird last couple of weeks it has been. Things were already kind of tense, between waiting on L's job situation, the election, my job hunt, B in general, and everything else.

Starting with the election, I am pretty pleased with the result, except that my district re-elected an idiot to the Senate. My co-worker and I have had lots of laughs at the expense of the people who feel their "side" "lost". If even a small portion of them would just shut their pie holes or move to Wyoming already, it wouldn't hurt my feelings a bit. I did get unfriended by one person. No great loss, I was about to cut him loose if he hadn't had the coconuts to do it himself. As for Rob, we'll see.

L started job training with Maverick on Sunday. I can tell already that there are going to be things I like about it, but that it is going to be very hard. He's gonna need to check in often to make sure I haven't killed B. Or maybe we'll get in a groove-last night we did alright. He's a good kid, but he got his momma's smart mouth and his dad's stubbornness, which means he is often in trouble, but never, ever "wrong".

Wednesday night I had weird dreams, which I haven't had in awhile. The cluttered version of the art building from college and the attic under construction are both recurring, but the dream of someone from college that turned a little kinky was definitely new! Not sure where that came from.

Lunch yesterday with Pam and Kim was good, and the craft thing tomorrow will be fun. I am trying very hard to reach out to people and to quit being so tight about admitting when I am not OK. After the thing in the morning, I am taking L to get her ears pierced for her birthday. D wants his to be a surprise. Then lunch with them at school on their birthday, and probably headed to OK for Thanksgiving. We don't always go, but coming so soon after G's passing, everyone has decided to make the effort this year. Hoping to go to CO again for Christmas, but won't know details until after next week.

I hate not being able to make a plan, but I am trying to adjust to the fact that this is how life is going to be for awhile. Forward :)

Random Fall Thoughts

Wow, what a difference a month makes. The last post was one of those posts just for something to write. Then on September 25th, L's grandma passed away. We spent the next week in OK, then came home to begin prepping for the next phase. Biggest news of the last few weeks:

• L starts his new job on Sunday, if all of his tests go well.
• B is grounded into literally next year. For what? you ask. Mostly for having a smart mouth. Pretty sure he got that from his dad :)
• L's art work was featured in the county fair, where she received a blue ribbon and $2!
• Idiot neighbor kid broke one of our windows right before the weather got bad, so we haven't fixed it yet. Don't we look like the white trashiest house on the block!
• Applying for every job that looks remotely like something better than what I have.
• Other than the window, our house is looking pretty great. L's room almost finished, boys' room almost finished, warm weather forecast for Saturday, when we hope to get everything winterized and wrapped up before L starts new gig.
• Yeah, Peyton Manning's alright after all.

And the last word, in the news that is so old news, can I just say that I am SO sick of the political hate that is going around right now. I live in a state that no self-respecting politician ever visits, I already know who I am voting for, and if those people didn't go to my church, I would have un-friended them months ago.

Annual Letter to Him

Hey. Not much to write about, but it just seemed like it was about that time again. I am thinking back about the past year, trying to decide what has changed and what has stayed the same.

In family news, B has started junior high and the twins have started Kindergarden. We are staying busy with football, soccer, church and other activities. In work news, I am crazy busy right now with our annual conference, but as soon as I feel no obligation to my boss, I am going to start looking again for a new job.  For awhile I settled for just keeping an eye out for something, but now I am actively putting the word out to select colleagues and scouring the ads. I had thought I would be going to Florida next month, but that has changed. Other than being annoyed by the way my boss handled it, I don't mind not making the trip. I truly have enough to keep me occupied right now without another trip to plan.

Looking back, I wonder how I ever had so much time to spend chatting with and texting you all of the time. Was I less busy then? Was I neglecting my family? I try to tell myself  that surely if I had been that consumed with whatever it was we were doing, someone would have noticed. Then again, I had a husband who barely seemed to notice anything I did or didn't do. In that respect, things are a bit different now. Better in some ways. Just different in others.

So on one hand, nothing much has changed. Life is still busy with the same people and concerns. If anything is different, it must be my attitude. I wouldn't say I am happy, or even particularly satisfied with life right now. But I have quit looking for other people to make me happy. Instead, I am realistic about what I can and can not do or have. I content myself with kicking ass at the stuff I get right, and try to back off from the things I can't change. And that break from reality a few years ago? That's a distant memory.

I'd ask you how things are for you on your end, but...

To be honest, when I think back to the last time I thought about you, all I can come up with are questions. Not deep philosophical questions, or questions about feelings, but two very straightforward questions:

Why did you leave school, really? And when you kept apologizing for "what you had done to me", were you referring to leaving without looking back, or did you end up with a big wad of money from me that wasn't all yours to have?

No matter, it's not like we'll ever talk again. I'll just close by saying that I hope things are going well for you and your family. I hope you have at least found your happy place again.

I'll keep looking for mine, in places where I might actually find it. We'll see where I am next year at this time :)

It's Criminal

Don't know what's more annoying - my own family forgot my birthday, or my mom posted my age on Facebook. Not feeling pitiful, actually kind of laughing, with a little help from the song of the day:

You Were Always on My Mind

I have been feeling kind of nostalgic for college. Probably because we just came back from Tulsa and because school is about start. That plus a recent thread with my FB friends about the old Starship Records and Tapes and it's sister store, the head shop.That right there is a whole post in itself.

Some random stuff:

• RIP Maeve Binchy, one of my all-time favoriate authors
• how it's a good thing I never liked Chik-fil-A anyway
• how twice now I have gotten to know somebody way better through FB than I ever knew them in person, and they are both pretty cool
• how much of a tool Rob W really is
• how much my week changed because of a conversation and a comment
• a shower moment, with a big o, and weird vision of someone I used to know

And finally, music stuck in my head or otherwise speaking to me this week:

• It's Over, by Civil Twilight
• Everybody Talks, by Neon Trees
• Imagine, by John Lennon
• Shake You Down, by Gregory Abbott

Hot and (sort of) Ready

Wow, it has been so long since I posted that I sort of forgot how to log in. It's not that I haven't had plenty of things going through my mind, just no time to sit down and write. Of course most of those things are the usual - work, family, crazy life in genral.

Yes, work is the same is always - one crisis after another, thanks to a mess of a boss, on top of being genuinely busy, thanks to Jerry Sandusky (bad) and Obamacare (good). The biggest difference is that I am actively job hunting and feeling good about the prospects. Change is all around in my little work community, with things opening up, and a few allies who know what my workplace is like and that I am capable of more and they are willing to help me get it.

L's work is about to change too, I think. After two years of trying, and I mean really trying, his business is paying for itself, but not paying him a salary. He is thinking seriously about taking A up on his offer to drive a truck. He had passed part of the test and is working on scheduling the rest. Not sure yet how I feel about this. We talked about it for a long time yesterday, and if it goes as planned it will be good for our family. Problem is that nothing ever goes as planned for us. More on this if and when it happens.

School starts in a couple of weeks and I am so not ready. Ready for the twins to start school, yes, because they are going to love it. Ready even for B to start junior high. Looking forward to him playing football for the school and not just for parks and rec. But schedule- and home-wise, everything is in an uproar. I really should be in working on B's room, but I am not that motivated.

It was a long weekend, with a quick trip to OK on Friday, back late Saturday night. Then yesterday I helped L do cars. Today the kids are back, and it doesn't feel like I have had a break yet, not even a weekend. Plus, it is just way too hot to want to work very hard. It was 107 today, and supposed to be even hotter tomorrow. Ordinarily I would just take time off and work on projects, but not this year.

OK, break time over, time to get the kids ready for bed. Maybe tomorrow I will feel like making a stab at all of the things I have volunteered myself for.

The Week in Review

Thursday - housework and shopping
Friday - floated the Buffalo River
Saturday - family stuff
Sunday - church and family stuff
Monday - helped with 40 oil changes and 8 tire rotations!
Tuesday - discovered that our freezer had been off all weekend
Wednesday - planned to come home and cook food that had thawed. instead, spent the evening chasing parts for L's truck
Thursday - baseball cancelled. maybe, just maybe, back to our somewhat normal schedule for a couple of days. then a couple of crazy weeks while baseball and dance class overlap. then possible trip to NM, but won't know until after this weekend.

Several possible jobs and other changes on the table. About to make some decisions about where to go next.

Daily Quote

I just realized that's not a bald head, that's a solar panel for a dumbass machine.
(Jon Stewart)

Crawdads and Crushes

I have a hundred things going on that I would like to write about it, in addition to just writing to write. But life is busy right now, so I will stick with the ever-popular bullet list of current highlights:

• Billy K was arrested as a suspect in Rae's death after almost a year. Not sure what new evidence was presented, but no one I know saw this coming. Must call P about this, he will have the dirt.
• My boss is a condescending b*tch and I am getting really tired of it. A (younger, hipper) acquaintance of mine has deemed my resume worthy and I have already started putting it out there, along with an online portfolio of my work.
• After adding that I have been selected to edit an anthology of work by my writer's group. In the words of my second favorite politician, "This is a big f***ing deal". More to follow.
• As a self-confessed political junkie, it is driving me nuts that I don't have time to read and respond to all of the information that is being out there right now. Probably best that I just skim and check "like" on the occasional Facebook post. And keep ignoring the narrow-minded bigots I go to church with.
• Speaking of which, a backhanded compliment about the power of the virtual reunion that Facebook provides. Through it, I have reconnected with several boyfriends and guys I had a crush on as a girl. Of the three that didn't work out, all I can say is "Thank you, God", for letting them die a natural death before I saw what jerks they became as adults. As for the other two, another thanks, for giving me the chance to get to know them as well as I should have in the first place. Both have turned out to be smarter and more interesting than I gave them credit for when I was younger and more shallow.
• In general news, family is keeping me busy. Baseball and activities (crap, just remembered that I was going to write about the crawfish boil that we went to) are keeping us busy. Memorial Day is going to be bigger than usual this year, then we are going to New Mexico for Ivan and Jennifer's wedding in June.
• And in the back of my mind, counting down the days until I have to learn to like Peyton Manning or at least pretend to.

It seems like there is more to add, but these are the things that on my mind right now as I head home for the day. The drive will be used to clear my head of work junk and to keep composing the piece I want to submit for the anthology.

Quick Notes

• I helped L with work yesterday. I am a bit sunburned and a bit stiff and sore, but it was mostly not bad.
• B turns 12 on Saturday. He has had the same girlfriend for three - 3! - weeks now. That's kind of a big deal at his age.
• I got my hair chopped short again. Long was fun for awhile, but too much work when it is already hot and humid. Hope this is not a sign of another miserable summer again.
• Discovered an email to MY husband from Her, along with hints that she was going to send to other people on his friend list? I wrote a response to it on my private page, since it's not like I can actually address it with anyone. Here I will just say that the most disturbing thing about it is that almost a year after my last contact (text) with him, but almost as soon as L got his own Facebook page, she is still looking for ways to stir things up. I'm no expert, and neither am I the most objective person in this situation, but she does not seem like someone who knows how to have healthy relationships.

Busy Stuff

B spent all weekend texting a girl. As of last night, they were going together. Today she broke it off. I asked him if he was OK. He laughed and said yes. I think he's going to be fine. He has his first baseball practice tonight, which should keep him otherwise occupied.

Spring Break is next week. We are going to Branson for a couple of days. When school starts back up, he is making the switch from a clarinet to a tenor sax. We'll see how that goes. He also has to get a second set of braces. That's going to suck, since our orthodontic insurance doesn't kick in for a while.

I am looking forward to Spring Break. Not because we are going to Branson, but just because I am ready for a break. Work has been crazy busy for awhile now. I hauled about 30 boxes up from the parking lot today. Tomorrow I need to finish getting 1200 post cards ready to mail. Wednesday is a board meeting.That leaves Thursday and Friday to do online training, send 30 resource packets, and come up with a plan for getting the 30 boxes back out of my office. Then after Spring Break, trying to get caught up all over again so I can be gone to DC for a week.

Will just get crazier as baseball gets into full swing and L starts working business again. He still has his core clients, but he has been working for his mom during tax season rather than marketing to new clients during winter season. Good news is that business is paying off, and he seems mostly happy doing it.

Doesn't leave a lot of time for me to do my stuff, but I am still trying to fit projects in, and doing a better job of making the case for personal time. This month looks like I will get to return to writing group, which is the one thing that is mine only, and probably the thing I am most looking forward to.

Company Men

I was lying in bed one night, not in the mood to read but not ready to fall asleep. I entertained the idea of engaging in a little personal fantasy, but no helpful image came to mind and I soon fell asleep. A few weeks later, with a few more nights like that first one, and I am left with two things:

The second plot line of a novel I have been contemplating for awhile, and the realization that my most vivid memories of the person who used to be my go-to guy all seem to involve hugging.

Oh yeah, and a brief flash of the image of Ben Affleck's head on my chest.

2012

I don't usually make new year's resolutions, but I do sort of have some unofficial goals for the year - more self-discipline in general (diet, exercise, scripture study, time management in particular). Engage in some contemplation, but limit waxing nostalgic or dreaming unrealistic dreams. Be aware of my tendency for negativity and look for ways to be more positive and grateful in ways that are more than just sappy status updates.

I know, I know, "experts" say I should set a specific goal and benchmarks for achieving it. But I don't have those kinds of goals right now. Right now, I am just determined that 2012 is going to be the best year I have had in awhile. Why? Because it can't be any worse than 2011. Because I say so. Because it's time.

Catching Up

I haven't posted in awhile because life has been crazy busy. I think things might be evening out a bit finally. Just a few notes to remind me what I have been up to:

Work has been nuts, but in a good way. After my little meltdown, things have sort of worked out. I am busy with things I enjoy doing and that seem to have a purpose, so I am feeling much better about the job situation than I have in some time.

I registered the twins for kindergarten yesterday. People always talk about how they cried when their babies went to school, but I am excited for them. Of course, it means that time is marching on, and I am about to be the parent of a kid in junior high.


I have a couple of personal things to check off my to-do list this weekend, and then my time will be freed up for March to do some things just for fun. Spring break is coming up, and then baseball will start for B and D (L has decided just watching is OK with her). Winter has been very mild, and signs of spring are all around. I am always more hopeful and positive when the sun shines on a regular basis. Hoping that L's schedule and the budget line up with some of the projects I have in mind, wink wink.

I have a new church calling, as expected. Still not sure what to do about it yet, but I think it will be interesting. More to follow on this, I am sure.

The last reason I took time to write today is to settle my thoughts in general. So much has been happening at work, home, in life that I don't seem to have time to stop and think about any one thing for very long. Sometimes writing it down helps. Sometimes writing it down keeps me from saying out loud.

Challenges

So I was released from my calling today. I knew it was coming, but I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Then as I was walking down the hall, several people commented on how I must be relieved and how I could go to grown up class now. I just smiled and agreed and went to class like always.

But all afternoon I have been thinking about it, and the truth is that I am not as relieved as everyone seems to think I should be.

First of all, I think most people are secretly glad they didn't have my calling. Their loss. Working with the kids every week can be frustrating, but it also way more fun than any other calling I have had. And while it is challenging to get and keep the attention of 50 kids every week, it is also true that they are more forgiving if you get it wrong once in awhile. And I always think if you can explain the gospel so a five year old gets it, you are doing OK.

That's just part of the story. The other reason I am not as relieved as expected is because I know what is coming. Or I don't know. That is, I know that there is another calling in store for me. I don't have enough details yet to know if I am excited about it or not. What I know for sure is that every calling is an opportunity to get out of your comfort zone and be challenged to learn and grow. The good news is that my possible new calling has the potential to be what I make of it.

The bad news is that I have a sneaking suspicion that the real reason I am being freed up from my calling with the kids is to prepare myself for B's move from Primary to YM. Gotta be honest, I am pretty sure I am not ready for that challenge. The thought of sitting in class and making small talk with old ladies looks good compared to trying to have an adult conversation with the budding adolescent that is now my son.

Off and Running

I thought I was doing really well. I came back from vacation with all sorts of energy and resolve and plans, and I was hanging in there. Then some stuff happened, and I am suddenly feeling overwhelmed and like I need another vacation. I don't think it's any one thing, just a combination of things, none of which I have time to write about right now. I am just going to make bullet points, and try to come back to them later.

• cat is gone, dog won't leave - she howls all night long, making sleep impossible
• crazy busy at work, which is a good thing
• crazy busy at church, which is supposed to be good but is stressing me out
• list of personal tasks/errands grows faster than I can find time to get them done
• I have a potential writing gig which is very cool, but frustrating that I can't dedicate more time to it right now
• enthusiasm for the gift basket project is dwindling, but I am sort of committed to it now
• a member of my TM group just passed away very suddenly

I keep thinking if I can just get through January and February, everything always looks better in the spring. If I can maneuver a day off for opening day at the races, that might work OK too :)

Survival

Christmas was mostly great. We made it in three long days and had a great time while we were there. We saw family, took B skiing, played a lot of pool while the kids played in the snow, saw wild life (including mountain lion tracks) and had no mishaps. We returned home and spent New Year's Eve day with L's family, which included more cool gifts, shopping and dumpster diving, and of course the annual bird drop. To summarize, I survived a cross-country road trip with my family, skiing, and the second annual aflockalypse, as well as the first day back at work.

I hope the cat was as lucky. We left her with grandma while we were gone, and no one has seen her since day three.