I Can't Stop

Anyone who knows me very well knows that the likelihood of me having a nervous breakdown is not inconceivable. Even if it wasn't already in my genetic makeup, life has given me some real crap to work with. Most of the time I hold the terror at bay by cracking jokes about my state of mental health and suppressing whatever it is that is bothering me. Then every once in a while I engineer a way to relieve some of the pressure, usually by picking a fight or drinking more than I should. Point is, I know that every once in awhile things are going to build up, I am going to have a fairly controlled mini-meltdown, and everything will be fine again for awhile.

When those "getting to know your friends" requests make the rounds, and the questions include "when is the last time you cried", I can usually say I don't remember. That's because I try really, really hard not to cry. I can usually manage to keep from crying, which is good. I have a much harder time stopping, which is not cool. The key here is that I maintain some feeling of being in control, which brings me to this week.

Tuesday, for no real reason, I could suddenly tell that I was about to lose it, so I skipped out of work. Then, before I even made it out of the parking lot and onto the street, I just busted out bawling. I mean like big, loud, snot-making bawling like a little kid. I sort of got it together after a few minutes, which helped, but the whole way home I had to keep trying not to cry. I was after all driving in rush hour and crazy fog.

I got home only to find out that I had a meeting. I made it through that OK, then went to have something to eat. Blame it on the coffee, but I slept terribly. At one point I was laying there debating if I should just get up, when I started crying again.

Wednesday was a very long day because I was exhausted and had to deal with whatever had brought this on. My boss wasn't at work, so I sent her an email. She wasn't there today either, although I got an email in return. She should be there tomorrow, when we are supposed to have an actual discussion.

There is obviously a lot I am not telling right now, but I should know more after tomorrow. On a better day, I might have a job I like again. In a better life, I wouldn't be stuck in a job and a life I hate because the alternative is unthinkable. At least for now I have stopped with the random crying.