Gray Matters, Extended Version

I started this blog as a place to park all of the random thoughts that kept me from sleeping or from being otherwise productive. Then lately I haven't had reliable access to internet/computer except at work so I have resorted to the old-school strategy of making lists. Today I realized I was making lists of lists I needed to make, and I finally said "enough". So for now at least I am back to blogging in an effort to organize some of what has been making me nuts.

In a nutshell, it's not so much the quantity as the (to me at least) enormity of some of what is going on:

• L's business is going OK, but it has not completely replaced the salary he lost. Since we were not in great financial shape to begin with, this is really starting to stress me out. I won't go into detail because a) it makes me sound whiny and b) it doesn't help, but suffice it to say we are one more ER visit or major repair away from financial disaster.
• I have stayed at my job longer than I would have because it provides some stability and benefits. However, some big changes are coming in that department as well. I work for a boss who almost never gets in a hurry or gets excited, so when she does it is understood that I will drop everything and panic/adapt along with her. Sometimes this is temporary, but I think this time I am not going to adapt well, hence the panic. Trying to stay calm until I know more, but in light of the above, it's hard to do.
• I don't know yet if we will really move or not, but it is still on the table. Anyone who knows me knows that I have talked about living just about anywhere else besides Arkansas so the irony is not lost on me that I am freaking out a bit once a real opportunity presents itself. It's a good business opportunity, but it will require a job change for me, which has its pros and cons, and a financial situation that will probably get worse before it gets better. It's hard to see the pros to that, at least with a family to consider.

So, I make lists, or seek temporary distractions, but in the end no task or activity will make much difference until the big decisions are made - what is best for my family and my sanity - it doesn't get much bigger than that.

As for sleeping, I think that has become my other coping strategy. Off to self medicate sleep. 'Night.