To the Husband of...

To the husband of the lady driving the burgundy Tahoe:

If your wife offers to help you get dressed, RUN AWAY.  If she zips your pants in any way like she zips the metaphorical zipper of merging onto the interstate during rush hour traffic, she is going to seriously injure you.

I know you don't know me, but trust me, I am just looking out for you and the boys. 

Your Concerned Anonymous Friend