Google the Clown

Never trust Google. I just found out that googling my name brings up the fact that I was kicked out of clown school. This is only partially true. I was actually kicked out of not one, but three different clown schools.

The first time was not my fault. I was young and impetuous. I did not understand the time commitment or the discipline that was expected of me when I wrote that check for $300 to the Clown College of the Ozarks. Even though I was asked to leave CCO, I did not give up my dream of being a clown.

After a couple of years of dead-end jobs, I finally saved enough money to go to a real clown college. But fortune was not on my side - I kept botching even the basics as I tried to develop my clown character. On the day we practiced walking in floppy shoes, I fell down and broke my jaw. It was OK that I couldn't talk, as that fit my character. But the next week when we introduced our characters, all the make-up and frizzy hair in the world didn't hide the head gear I had to wear.

The instructor decided I might be better as a sidekick. Trying to get on the good side of my clown team partners, I offered my car for practicing to see how many of us could fit. Unfortunately, a Fiat really is just made for two people - one to steer and one to push. All of those other clowns were just dead weight, but that didn't keep them from voting me off of Clown Island like some kind of loser.

In my third attempt, I decided maybe I was meant to be a sad clown instead. Problem was, people aren't supposed to laugh at a sad clown, and I kept doing things that made people laugh at me, just not in a good way. I finally decided to take what I had learned in clown school and apply it to a new career.

What did I have to work with? A nice collection of plaid jackets and colorful scarves. A court order to quit lurking around places where children gather. The ability to maintain the same expression, no matter what ridiculous sob story or hilarious excuse people came up with.

And that is how I came to work for the IRS.